How to Break Free from People Pleasing and Speak Your Mind
All people-pleasers lose themselves.
The #1 regret of the dying is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
You always fall short of your best self when others define you.
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing:
#1. Own your addiction.
Begin by confessing you’re addicted to people-pleasing. Confess to yourself and to trusted allies. Just say the words, “I’m a people-pleaser.”
You never overcome a personal challenge that you blame on someone else.
#2. Practice saying no before you need to say it.
Saying NO sets you free.
Roleplay saying no with a trusted ally. (Yes, practice saying NO out loud.)
You go further by including trusted allies, supportive colleagues, and encouraging friends on the journey.
#3. Speak up with kindness.
- Determine YOUR OWN perspective before you speak. What do you really think? How do your words express your values?
- Listen. Deep listening precedes effective talking.
- Consider impact. Speaking your mind includes respect for the impact of your voice on others.
- Follow one rule. Only open your mouth to make something better.
- Chill out before you speak if you feel frustrated. Calm yourself, then speak.
- Speak with openness. “I could be wrong, but ….” “I wonder if ….” “At this time, I think….” Don’t invite unnecessary resistance.
- Don’t resist resistance. Thank people for offering alternatives, even if they seem contradictory. “Thanks, I’ll think about that.”
- Avoid defensiveness.
- Don’t apologize for your perspective.
- Receive appreciation gracefully.
#4. Improve incrementally.
Narrow the scope of focus to one thing at a time. Say NO once this week, for example.
#5. Contradict your inner critic.
Your inner critic needs approval from others while disapproving of yourself.
What are the dangers of people-pleasing?
How have you overcome inclinations toward people-pleasing?
Bonus material:
7 Ruthless Truths about Your Inner Critic (LF)
Why It Doesn’t Pay to Be a People-Pleaser (Berkeley)
21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser (PsychCentral)
Great article, Dan! I find it most difficult to say “no” when it comes to family. I am good at deep listening to understand at work and can say “no” there because of position and authority. However, when it comes to family, the roles change and I aim to please – and I will practice your points in the article to overcome and say “no” when I really do not agree with family members.
Thanks Lisa. Your comment is so interesting. It seems that ROLE impacts freedom to act. Some roles we have give us freedom. Some roles bring us into bondage.
Your comment reminded me of saying, “Not right now.” Cheers
I agree with Lisa. It’s harder for me to say no to family, especially my adult kids.
Thanks for jumping in Jenifer. It seems like it would be easier to say no to adult kids…I’m fascinated by this. Perhaps it’s concern that they will pull back if we do something “unpleasing”.
I feel this emotionally, but logically, they should be adults.
What are the dangers of people-pleasing?
We try to please others so they will like us. It’s an insecurity about our self-esteem and self-worth. If we felt fully secure, we wouldn’t need their approval.
Funny thing–when we say no or disagree, we often don’t lose the other person’s approval—we actually gain their respect, as long as we have a valid reason to say NO or disagree.
Some self refection is always helpful. Why do I need someone else’s approval to think or do__________?
Thanks Paul. Your insight that saying no actually increase other people’s respect for us is so true. I’ve had others tell me the same thing. Saying no didn’t blow up in their face. It increased their standing.
Your caveat is important. We need good reasons and, of course, we need to say no with kindness.
Saying “No” to one thing often means saying “Yes” to something else that is more in keeping with our purpose, goals and values. Having the courage to say “No” is not selfish. In fact, people pleasers often feel resentful over time and act out in ways that are detrimental to genuine connection, diminishing the quality of their relationships.
Exactly, Kim. Thanks for mentioning YES. Saying no enables yes. And saying yes enables no, if we are willing to focus our energy on priorities and say no to distracting activities.
Also, I hadn’t thought about the resent that builds up when we do things we don’t really want to do. very helpful.
Years ago, I found a quote that I actually had as my screen saver on my computer for awhile: “Don’t let your mouth take on more than your shoulders can bear.” I have learned since then that saying “No” doesn’t cause the world to end or people to hate me. In fact, quite the opposite. People appreciate that I only take on what I can reasonably do. If I say I will do something, I do it and do it on time and properly. If I say I won’t do something, I also explain why I am not the right person (don’t have the skills, don’t have the time, don’t have the passion), and also try to suggest other people.
So helpful, Jennifer. The feeling I get from your comment is compassion. Saying no can be motivated out of concern for others. It doesn’t have to be selfish. Or angry, for that matter.
Thank you for posting. I have JUST started doing this across the board with my work and family. To put it lightly, it has not been well received after years of being a people pleaser, even with my subtle or softer “no” or just not going along with what I normally would not push back with. I am finding myself and all those around me frustrated – first, myself by those not accepting my changes based on my knowledge and expertise (and love for family) and second, others from which I can sense the surprise and what I can assume is what they think is out of character for me. I am feeling resentful towards others for finally taking their advice on pushing back and not stopping my progress at work to assist them with theirs.
Thanks for being open and vulnerable, Karen. I’ve heard the same thing from others. Frankly, people love it when we do everything they want and hate it when we start saying no.
I wonder what the path forward looks like? It seems like kindness and compassion are still called for, even when being firm.
In the past, I’ve encouraged people to be honest. I see your frustrated and so am I. How might we deal with our frustration?
It’s also important to declare ourselves. “I’m working on controlling my own schedule.”
One thing to reflect on is a positive goal. If you we’re being a people pleaser, what would you be? Aim for that.
I wish you well on the journey.
“Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said: “In the coming world, they will not ask me: “Why were you not Moses?” They will ask me: “Why were you not Zusya?” –Parker Palmer
Thanks John. Love that! In the end, we are evaluated on who we are, not who someone else was.
Important topic.
As a leader, it’s my responsibility to create the space in which people are comfortable to say no. When I’m clear about my expectations, they know that saying “no” is respectful, and saying “yes” is a commitment. Both are welcomed.
My two cents: I think saying no has two forms, “No. Thank you.” and “No, because…”
The first can be followed with a specific detail of gratitude for having been asked.
The second shifts the conversation from no to the reason for saying no. It’s really an invitation to discuss the reason, which is great if the idea is to remove the barrier to saying yes. If that’s not the intention then the simple “No. Thank you.” is more helpful.