How to Use Anger to Make You a Better Leader
The things I regret in life are often associated with anger.
How to use anger to make you a better leader
Do want:
No one complains, “I’m furious. This steak is cooked perfectly.”
Anger is useful when it looks beyond ‘don’t like’ to ‘do want’.
Anger is harmful when it festers into blame, inaction, and bitterness.
Anger reflection:
Reflect on something or someone that makes you angry. Sink into that feeling. Describe what makes you angry.
People that make me angry are…
- Self-centered.
- Arrogant.
- Unhelpful.
- Know-it-alls.
- People with hidden agendas.
- People who play office politics unethically.
- Pushy.
- Angry.
- Lazy.
- Emotional. (Outbursts and hot emotion drive me nuts.)
#1. It’s me.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung
The things that irritate me about others are sometimes in me. Arrogance is easy, for example.
The things that irritate me about others are sometimes my opposite. I never have a hidden agenda, for example.
The first place to look when you’re angry is in you.
Anger expects things from others. Let yourself feel anger. Now ask, “What do I expect from myself?
#2. Speak up.
Anger gets worse when you don’t speak up.
Tolerance isn’t good when it comes to bad things.
One of two things happens when I don’t speak up. I bury it and it festers. Or I coddle it until I blow up. Both responses harm me and my relationships.
- Speak up with kindness and respect.
- Never speak into important issues when you’re emotionally hot.
- Use questions to create clarity. Maybe you’re angry because you don’t get it.
- Begin with, “I could be wrong.”
- Just say, “I see this a different way.”
- Speak to make something better, or don’t speak at all.
- Avoid defensiveness.
Where does your angry mind go when you pull it back from blame, inaction, or bitterness?
How might leaders coach angry team members?
Added resources:
How Negative Impulse Triggers Positive Response | Leadership Freak
Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper – Mayo Clinic
Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? (umich.edu)
How might leaders coach angry team members? To borrow a spiritual leaders suggestion on this: “One must understand people(team members) relate with me (leader) much more for what they can be with me than what I am with them”.
This will help I guess.
Thanks Nagarajan. If I understand your comment, you’re suggesting we focus on the value we bring others instead of the value they bring us?
That’s one way too. Thank you Dan for that insight. The comment I meant was Anger can be due to the fact that you want the relationship to accomplish what you want whereas if you realise the other person relates to you for what he can accomplish.. we may be able to better handle anger.
If we look at “Anger” fueled by “immaturity” we have a crash happening and there is no one that’s going to come out with ruffled feathers. We need to harness the Anger and redirect it as mentioned you a useful sense of accomplishment. Screaming louder will not solve the problem, listening with ear plugs will have the same results.
Anger at least means the person is feeling something. And I find that easier to work with than someone who just couldn’t care less.
Jennifer, your first sentence is captivating!
“”What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.” –Leslie Knope
Oh to be more like Leslie!
I find myself angry a few times a week, which is less than usual. I know exactly where it stems from originally, and when I encounter it during work, it triggers memories and anger.
Incompetence and poor leadership resulted in a preventable death many years ago. When I see incompetence, laziness, indifference to producing a quality product, I look at why. Was it lack of training? Inability to perform the task? Inadequate resources? Other factors involved?
Am I over-reacting?
Leaders should be expected to correct those issues, and if steps are taken and that fails, take the next steps needed to address the original problem.
That leadership has not happened in the past 3 years, so the anger has changed to being at the poor leadership not taking effective action that results in sustained improvement. Even slight improvement would be welcome.
I should be able to correct over-reacting, but it gets old real fast having to repeatedly spend significant amounts of time on the above.
It’s not right, but to keep my sanity, health and reduce stress, I find myself having to become as indifferent to laziness and sloppy work as others have.
No one died in my world, but I also get frustrated at inaction in the face of (to me) preventable problems. There’s an alternative to indifference. https://www.liberatingstructures.com/7-15-solutions/
I used to find myself angry at something much later on after it had happened. Then, the only things I would be left with were guilt, shame, hopelessness and at time more anger at myself. Now things are changed. I get a bit annoyed but not angry. I can feel and observe physiological changes happening in me with changing situations. Also, now I talk. Talk and don’t vent out.
There’s a saying in Punjabi, “Banda banday da daru honda ay” which means “A man is another mans whisky/liquor” implying that it is by talking and making oneself vulnerable that one finds solutions.
I believe that when we see someone in anger, it brings us the responsibility upon us to find out what’s their “reality” and give them perspective of a given situation. Logic and reason before emotions.
Answering this question has really got me thinking! In both my paying work, and my volunteer work, I find myself vacillating between anger, disappointment or saddness when I see people underperforming on my teams. They appear capable of the task but either don’t see their potential, don’t wish to work toward the team’s goal, or could care less about accomplishing that goal. It makes me question myself: do I credit people with more potential than they have?; do I care too much about the work/outcome? I find it hard to negotiate a personal middle ground in these issues — and when it’s a question I ask about my own children, it’s even worse.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung
I was having a conversation with one of my colleagues and this summarizes our sentiments completely. EVERYTHING comes down to self esteem, you either have it, and are aware of your flaws and how to lean into them for growth, or you don’t, and you respond in ego to everything around you. This is great stuff. I REALLY enjoy your blog.
Thanks Danielle. Your contrast between self-esteem (I’ll insert confidence) and arrogance is a little unnerving. When I lack confidence I tend to respond in ego. That’s a bit of a kick in the pants.
Your first statement, “The things I regret in life are mostly associated with anger” is very accurate in my life too. There have been times that I have been angry and gave an answer or acted in a manner that had negative impacts. I was recently around an individual who was a manager over a decent size organization. He gave a statement that I would like to hold on to for the rest of my life. I am summarizing his statement, but it was along the idea that it is okay to tell someone that you will get back to them with an answer. He went on to discuss that sometimes it is not best to give an answer right away and especially when emotions are involved. Many times, when anger is involved in the answer, the answer or my actions are later regretted.