Reflections on the Way Home After Visiting a Dying Friend
We’re returning to Pennsylvania after visiting my friend Cy. He’s dying. You can’t predict these things but it’s a matter of weeks, not months. I’m glad we made the trip.
Cy is clear as ever, but he gasps for air after five or six words. I didn’t ask him for any final insights into life but we talked for about three hours.
I met him when my hair and beard were brown. He’s lived by faith and character all that time. Any questions about the meaning of life or facing death seemed ridiculous. But I can’t help reflecting on the frailty and brevity of life as my wife drives us home. His frailty and ours.
Two of life’s great questions are; who are you helping, and who is helping you.
3 factors determine potential:
- Personal talent, aspiration, and resolve.
- Circumstances and opportunities. Being born in the US provides more opportunities than being born in the jungles of Brazil.
- Relationships that include helping.
The length of our step and the height of our reach depends on our ability to give and receive help.
Relationship:
Leadership is bounded by the people you help and the people who help you.
Choose your helpers carefully. But what ever you do, choose many. Emulate their character and tolerate their frailties. Choose relationships with people who challenge more than comfort.
Cy’s strength calls out strength in me.
The illusion of self-sufficiency limits potential and squanders opportunity.
Helping-relationships:
- Mould who both become.
- Contribute to how far both go.
- Expand capacity and strengthen resolve on both sides.
Everyone depends on others. Respect dependence or you’re doomed to contribute less.
Toward the end of our visit, Cy said, “I didn’t want you to make such a long trip just to see me.” Then with mischief he said, “But I’m worth it.” I didn’t need to reply.
I visited Cy because he matters to me. But I also made the trip because I matter to him.
How might you acknowledge the people who are helping you?
Who needs your help today?
This one gets a heart e-moji and a hugging heart e-moji
How might you acknowledge the people who are helping you?
EASY–tell them and thank them!
Thanks for that deep sharing, Dan. My heart is with you. Your reflections on relationship and helping are profound. They suggest both the findings of neuroscience and an open heart.
Better yet, take care of them.
Dan
Showing friendship at a difficult time like that is what being a true friend is all about. Having done that a couple times, it is never easy. Sitting with my old mentor, George, was easier than our young friend and mother of three. The key is to show up, tell stories and help your friend, and their family, take their mind off their issue for a short time. Great and timely post for many of us.
Brad
Nice Gratitude Note, Roger
“Personal talent, aspiration, and resolve. Circumstances and opportunities. Being born in the US provides more opportunities than being born in the jungles of Brazil. Relationships that include helping.” Having been born in this country from Immigrant stock (1/2 Italian, 3/8 Swedish, 1/8 Scots-Irish) I have always valued what this country has given to me which starts with “equal opportunity” not “equal outcome”. I’ve always strived first to pass this along to my family, my Chinese wife (Taiwan) and our daughter (now 28 adopted from China) and Son (now 26 adopted from China), and now our SIL (also 28 and also adopted from China). I continue to have many conversations with all of them about talent, aspiration, resolve, and “passion” and from that giving to others you meet along the way. From the results, I continue to see I do believe I’ve been successful in molding some fine your adults ready (with God walking with them) for anything life presents. For that, I give thanks each day I am upright and respirating.
I was Cy 5 years ago, except that I made a miraculous recovery. I hugely valued every single person who came to spend time with me. It meant and still means the world to me. My recovery gave me a better perspective on the frailty of life. Hopefully, your readers don’t need to stand at death’s door to understand that.
Despite not knowing Cy, thank you for visiting him. I’m sure it made his day.
Your last sentence says it all, short and to the point. I’m experiencing these visits more frequently these days, while they certainly bring about a sense of sadness, most of the encounters have been filled with joy and grace; and, that’s been reassuring given what we’ve see on the national scale these days.
A mentor of mine once said that one of the great tragedies of life is to have an experience and miss the meaning of it. Thanks for sharing the experience and the meaning Dan!
Dan,
Thank you for the reality check for many, one day we all get there.
I can say Cherish all the times you shared together with CY, knowing some day we will all meet again is the light and the end of the tunnel.
Amen
The most humbling aspect facing death with someone we hold close is that it brings deeper meaning to life. Without death there is no dark for the diamonds of wisdom to glisten from. Endings/beginnings, regrets, forgiveness., thankfulness. 10 years ago this month my mum chose me as her death partner, which seemed natural for us though also strange because my younger sister and her shared a closer relationship but my mums thinking was spot on as usual. I had the ability to stand shoulder to shoulder with dad during a challenging 5 months as that prior December mum was released from hospital with a letter confirming a grade 4 brain tumour, life expectancy 5 months, put your affairs in order ! I kid you not. There in black and white, held in a porcelain white hand was a letter confirming her time was limited and dated. The wonders of medical expertise they had it right to the day. Some brothers buried their heads in the sand hoping it wouldn’t happen, my sister stayed home with her family unable to face the reality and dad and I did what needed to be done with the mental tools we had at that time with the support of caregivers, marie curie nurses, doctors and family in their own capacities. We all learned so much, not without its angst and drama and mostly appreciating and highly respecting the various teams of health workers who became part of our extended family performing roles none of us could have carried out effectively. To this day thank the universal spirit that my mum has become part of again for that life experience. Sad that it was.
Dan, You mention relationships today, and it shows up frequently in the past. I think your messages about relationships are so needed these days. We have people we call friends, but it is said a person generally has only about five true friends during their lifetime. Relationships seem to be one of the most powerful aspects in our lives. Your time with Cy seems to reflect one of those relationships.
What started in response to a desire to be a better leader has helped me become a better human. Thank you, once again, Mr. Rockwell. Your words are powerful.
Thinking of you Dan.
I have a close friend in the same situation. I traveled to Orange Beach to see him 2 weeks ago.
Prayers offered.
On Tue, May 11, 2021 at 8:32 AM Leadership Freak wrote:
> Dan Rockwell posted: ” We’re returning to Pennsylvania after visiting my > friend Cy. He’s dying. You can’t predict these things but it’s a matter of > weeks, not months. I’m glad we made the trip. Cy is clear as ever, but he > gasps for air after five or six words. I didn’t ask ” >
Those types of relationships are the purest and most valuable commodity on the planet. Blessings on Cy and his family, and on you my friend for carving out the time, energy and love to spend the day with him.
God be with your friend Cy and his Family and you, Dan. As much as we love and will miss our relatives and friends that pass away, we must understand and believe that they will be at peace, free of all of their illnesses and ailments and pain and suffering, and with all of their loved ones who have passed away. I know this because I died on an operating table when 18 and God sent me back to life. The longer I have lived the better I understand this. What waits for all of us after we pass away is and will be great. Take care!
Just awesome. Many others have put eloquent replies on why this is such a meaningful post. This is so thought-provoking.