How to DO Anger

Frustration is useful in the moment but destructive as a lifestyle. Nagging anger at work leads to gloom and grief.

“Depression is anger turned inward.”—often attributed to Sigmund Freud

I never met an angry person who wasn’t also depressed (using the word “depressed” in a nontechnical sense).

Feelings and Carwashes

Feelings are unreliable. I feel like washing my truck makes it run better.

Emotions are information. Sometimes they align with reality. Sometimes they’re crazy. Clean fenders don’t impact engine performance.  

Fixing Anger

What should you do with frustration if emotions are unreliable?

Fixing frustration is like curing brain cancer with an aspirin.

Emotions aren’t the most important thing. Yes, feelings matter. What you DO with your feelings matters more.

How to DO Anger

1. Clarify issues.
2. Identify what you want for the relationship.
3. Define what you want for yourself.
4. Challenge the story you’re telling yourself.
5. Own your contribution to the issue.
6. Align your response with your values.
7. Take a step toward resolution.

Questions for Reflection

Turn raw emotion into productive behavior.

1. What do I want this relationship to look like after the dust settles?
2. How could my response strengthen (rather than weaken) trust?
3. Am I reacting to the real issue, or have multiple frustrations piled up?
4. What do I want for myself? Respect? Peace of mind? Influence? My own way?
5. How could this be a growth moment for me?
6. If others described my behavior, what would they say?
7. How can I turn this frustration into fuel for clarity, courage, or change?

A superficial truck wash doesn’t fix my pickup’s engine. Deep breathing doesn’t resolve root causes. It deals with symptoms.

Emotional control is healthy. More importantly, leaders need to know how to DO frustration effectively.

It takes courage, honesty, vulnerability, and vision to DO anger like a leader.

How can leaders deal with root causes instead of just symptoms?

How to Use Anger to Make You a Better Leader

Managing Anger, Frustration, and Resentment on Your Team HBR