You can avoid tough conversations. You cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding them. The longer you wait, the more courage it takes.
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Brené Brown
How to Begin Tough Conversations
Focus on Relationship:
- “I need to discuss something difficult because our relationship matters to me.”
- “There’s something important I’ve been avoiding. I’d like us to talk about it.”
- “I value you. That’s why I need to be honest about something difficult.”
Focus on Growth:
- “I know you care about …. What you’re doing doesn’t serve you.”
- “I care about your success too much to stay silent about this.”
- “I respect your potential. That’s why I need to address something that isn’t working.”
Focus on Conversation:
- “I might not see this perfectly, but I need to share my perspective.”
- “I’ve noticed a pattern that’s creating problems. We need to talk about it.”
Sentences that Derail Tough Conversations
Don’t trigger resistance.
- “You always…”
- “Everybody thinks…”
- “This is probably pointless…”
- “Calm down.”
- “I guess I’m the bad guy.”
- “No offense, but…”
Practical Principle
Start with purpose before problems.
People listen better when they know you care. Stay calm. Be honest. Aim to make things better.
Tough AND Tender
Be kind. Don’t lower standards.
“Be tender with people and tough on standards.” Doug Conant
Too much truth makes you a pit bull.
Too much kindness makes you a doormat.
The cost of tough conversations is less than the price of avoidance.
Which beginning sentence works best for you?
5 Questions to Ask During Tough Conversations
Are You Dreading a Work Discussion? HBR
