Dear Dan,
My superintendent told me I’m not getting the position.
He said, “You have great ideas, but take it slow. And he repeated, “Take it slow. Don’t rush anyone. I like your ideas, but you make people afraid of you.”
How should I take this?
Thanks for your advice. I always read your blog when I wake up on the morning.
Unintentional Intimidator
Dear Intimidator,
I’ll never forget when someone said, “I think you like to intimidate people.” Ouch! I think of myself as a fuzzy teddy bear. She thought I was a grizzly bear.
The feedback you would like to reject is often the most useful.
Leaders intimidate, even if they don’t intend to. For small-hearted leaders, making people squirm is a power-trip. But that’s not who you aspire to become.
Painful feedback provides an unexpected perspective on yourself.
4 dangers of unintended intimidation:
- Fear silences. People won’t tell you you’re intimidating because you’re intimidating.
- Fear makes people agree just to avoid confrontation.
- Fear makes people aggressive. You may experience unnecessary push-back.
- Fear motivates, but you won’t bring out someone’s best by consistently making them afraid.
7 ways to respond to painful feedback:
#1. Accept the confusing difference between intent and impact. You don’t intend to intimidate others, but others feel intimidated.
#2. Thank your superintendent. You’re fortunate to have someone who speaks the truth to you.
#3. Clarify the feedback. “Could you give me some examples?”
#4. Reject defensiveness, explanations, and excuse-making.
It doesn’t matter that feedback seems unfair. Just listen and explore.
There’s a grain of truth in feedback, even if it seems off base.
#5. Establish importance. Ask your superintendent, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important to my advancement is dealing with this issue?”
#6. Talk this over with trusted colleagues.
#7. Lower intimidation with relationship-building.
- Give yourself extra time when walking from one meeting to another so you can pause and say ‘hi’. Being in a rush is intimidating.
- Eat in public places.
- Smile. Maintain gravity but stop frowning.
- Practice gentle curiosity. Aggressive curiosity is intimidating.
What suggestions do you have for Unintended Intimidator?
(I don’t count the question in my 300 word limit.)
Bonus material:
How to be less Intimidating (Lifehacker)
How to Communicate Without Intimidating (Our Everyday Life)
What to Do When Your Coworkers Find You Intimidating (Glassdoor)
