Imagination produces emotion.
Feelings are based on perceptions. An imagined offense causes real resentment. Emotion produces action. Emotion based on an imagined violation results in destructive action. Don’t trust your feelings.
Emotion leads to action:
Assumption leads to emotion leads to action.
Confirm before you act. You notice quiet team members in meetings. The story you tell yourself is they’re disinterested. Don’t waste energy solving problems that don’t exist. Maybe someone who doesn’t speak up in meetings is an introvert.
Don’t spew the evil you feel. Saying, “I’m upset because you’re disengaged,” adds unnecessary heat to conversations.
Negative stories:
We tend to make up stories about people’s selfish motives, negative intentions, or bad character. Don’t say:
- You hurt my feelings.
- I work harder than others.
- You made me mad.
- I resent what you did.
- You aren’t fair.
A better way:
Verify assumptions before acting on feelings. You are responsible for your feelings. No one makes you mad. Don’t blame someone for stressing you out.
Give voice to positive intentions. Begin with “I,” not “you.” I would love…. I want…. It’s often easier to voice destructive emotion than to speak positive intention.
Use anger to understand what you don’t want. Suppose you’re upset because others go home on time while you work late. You feel under-appreciated. Keep your feelings to yourself. You don’t need to spew your dark feelings on everyone. Say, “I want to discuss workload. I want to carry my weight and I want to be able to go home on time.”
Stories generate emotions. Before you act, confirm assumptions. The negative stories you make about others might be fiction.
Have you experienced unnecessary heat because of dark feelings that ended up being based on imagination?
Keep digging:
3 Destructive Lies about Feelings