The Truth about Emotion: Stop Solving Problems that Don’t Exist
Imagination produces emotion.
Feelings are based on perceptions. An imagined offense causes real resentment. Emotion produces action. Emotion based on an imagined violation results in destructive action. Don’t trust your feelings.
Emotion leads to action:
Assumption leads to emotion leads to action.
Confirm before you act. You notice quiet team members in meetings. The story you tell yourself is they’re disinterested. Don’t waste energy solving problems that don’t exist. Maybe someone who doesn’t speak up in meetings is an introvert.
Don’t spew the evil you feel. Saying, “I’m upset because you’re disengaged,” adds unnecessary heat to conversations.
Negative stories:
We tend to make up stories about people’s selfish motives, negative intentions, or bad character. Don’t say:
- You hurt my feelings.
- I work harder than others.
- You made me mad.
- I resent what you did.
- You aren’t fair.
A better way:
Verify assumptions before acting on feelings. You are responsible for your feelings. No one makes you mad. Don’t blame someone for stressing you out.
Give voice to positive intentions. Begin with “I,” not “you.” I would love…. I want…. It’s often easier to voice destructive emotion than to speak positive intention.
Use anger to understand what you don’t want. Suppose you’re upset because others go home on time while you work late. You feel under-appreciated. Keep your feelings to yourself. You don’t need to spew your dark feelings on everyone. Say, “I want to discuss workload. I want to carry my weight and I want to be able to go home on time.”
Stories generate emotions. Before you act, confirm assumptions. The negative stories you make about others might be fiction.
Have you experienced unnecessary heat because of dark feelings that ended up being based on imagination?
Keep digging:
3 Destructive Lies about Feelings
3 Ways to Expose Deceptive Emotions
Emotion and action (uwaterloo.ca)
The tricky part about feelings is that they rule our thoughts. We are not, at heart, rational thinkers; we are emotional actors. Then we use our thoughts to justify our feelings (believing it’s just the opposite).
When I used to meet with a pastoral counselor in my former calling, I’d often tell him about a situation, saying, “I was thinking that…” He’d usually interrupt me and say, “I don’t care what you thought, I’m interested in what you felt.”
Our feelings and emotions are part of us. They can be suppressed, but not silenced. (The old adage, “When you bury your emotions, you bury them alive.”) Better to spend time and become acquainted with our emotions – destructive and otherwise – then learn how to co-exist with them.
Just my thought…. er… feeling.
BB
So true, Brion. Noticing our feelings and using them to inform our best self is powerful. Ignoring our feelings doesn’t work.
When it comes to dark emotions, I find them useful when I use them to craft positive intentions. It’s not that I’m angry that’s important. What’s important are the dreams I have for a relationship, for example.
It’s one thing to say, “You made me mad,” and another to say, “I want us to build a mutually supportive relationship.”
I see relationship and teams go off the rails when they believe it’s useful to vent to each other. It might be helpful. Often things are said that aren’t true or are completely unnecessary. There is one goal for talking, it’s working to make something better.
Thanks for your comment. As you see, it got me thinking. Much appreciated.
I have got into similar situations . Initially my feelings got the better out of me and I could do nothing about it. Over a period of time, I realised that there are better ways to handle it. I am still a work in progress. Thanks Dan for giving a new perception.