When everyone talks to be understood, no one gets what they want.
We flip this principle in public life:
- Speakers study their audience.
- Teachers assess before they teach.
But in personal communication we feel the need to express ourselves.
The key to effective communication is, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” —Stephen R. Covey
The Key to Effective Communication:
People don’t typically listen to understand—they listen to reply.
Challenge: Set aside your inclination to quickly share your thoughts.
How to Seek First to Understand:
#1 Don’t rush to fix.
Don’t interrupt with a solution. Quick solutions feel dismissive. Get confirmation that you understand before adding your two cents.
#2 Eliminate distractions.
No phones. No buzzing. No screens. Presence begins with eliminating distractions.
#3 Reflect their heart.
- “It seems like this is painful.”
- “I feel like you’re disappointed.”
- “You seem frustrated.”
- “It looks like you’re concerned about doing this right the first time.”
- “That sounds overwhelming.”
- “It looks like this matters a lot to you.”
#4 Seek confirmation.
After reflecting their emotions ask:
- “Am I on target?”
- “Do you think I understand?”
- “Am I getting it?”
- “Does that sound right to you?”
#5 Go the extra mile.
Summarize what you heard—including emotions—then ask:
- “What am I missing?”
- “What would you like to add?”
- “Do you think I get it?”
- “What makes you think I get it?”
Tip: Match their emotional tone. Be excited with the energized. Be subdued with the sorrowful. Mirror, don’t mimic.
Final Thought:
You don’t have to agree to understand. Listen until people confirm your understanding. Only then can communication begin.
What communication principle seems more important than, “Seek first to understand, then be understood?”
What’s one simple thing you could do today to seek first to understand?
Lead with Ears: The Art of Energizing Aspirations
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People-Stephen R. Covey
