One Skill Transforms Communication
When everyone talks to be understood, no one gets what they want.
We flip this principle in public life:
- Speakers study their audience.
- Teachers assess before they teach.
But in personal communication we feel the need to express ourselves.
The key to effective communication is, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” —Stephen R. Covey
The Key to Effective Communication:
People don’t typically listen to understand—they listen to reply.
Challenge: Set aside your inclination to quickly share your thoughts.
How to Seek First to Understand:
#1 Don’t rush to fix.
Don’t interrupt with a solution. Quick solutions feel dismissive. Get confirmation that you understand before adding your two cents.
#2 Eliminate distractions.
No phones. No buzzing. No screens. Presence begins with eliminating distractions.
#3 Reflect their heart.
- “It seems like this is painful.”
- “I feel like you’re disappointed.”
- “You seem frustrated.”
- “It looks like you’re concerned about doing this right the first time.”
- “That sounds overwhelming.”
- “It looks like this matters a lot to you.”
#4 Seek confirmation.
After reflecting their emotions ask:
- “Am I on target?”
- “Do you think I understand?”
- “Am I getting it?”
- “Does that sound right to you?”
#5 Go the extra mile.
Summarize what you heard—including emotions—then ask:
- “What am I missing?”
- “What would you like to add?”
- “Do you think I get it?”
- “What makes you think I get it?”
Tip: Match their emotional tone. Be excited with the energized. Be subdued with the sorrowful. Mirror, don’t mimic.
Final Thought:
You don’t have to agree to understand. Listen until people confirm your understanding. Only then can communication begin.
What communication principle seems more important than, “Seek first to understand, then be understood?”
What’s one simple thing you could do today to seek first to understand?
Lead with Ears: The Art of Energizing Aspirations
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People-Stephen R. Covey
Pay attention to nonverbal cues.
Notice body language, tone, facial expressions, and pauses. Often, what remains unsaid reveals the most. Learn to read between the lines. What is the unspoken message being conveyed?
Drucker talks about hearing what isn’t said. That includes those micro expression that flash on someone’s face for a split second and then they’re covered.
This is so great – I feel like this could be filed on Counseling 101 skills for all first-year students. Love this: “Don’t interrupt with a solution. Quick solutions feel dismissive. Get confirmation that you understand before adding your two cents.”
Hey, Travis, I’ve trained many coaches and everyone reports that the hardest thing is withholding your solutions.
Every time I get excited about my “brilliant” idea I try to calm myself! Best to you.
Here is one of my favorite Maxims: Think you know, think again. Ask and LIsten
Thanks for stopping in, John. I hope you are well. Wonderful quote.
How I wish to learn to follow this every time, especially when I am frustrated or hurting.
I feel you Christian.