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They say leadership requires sacrifice—your time, your energy, even your well-being. But let’s be honest: this paradigm isn’t just outdated; it’s destructive.
Self-Sacrifice:
The more you sacrifice, the less of yourself remains. It’s a slow erosion—of passion, creativity, and decision-making; the very essence of being an effective leader.
Self-sacrifice isn’t leadership. It’s martyrdom.
It is a seductive trap wrapped in noble intent. It robs you of the humanity that makes leadership meaningful. When you neglect yourself, you diminish your capacity to lead, to innovate, and to inspire. You end up trying to lead from a place of depletion, and that serves no one.
Sacrificing yourself isn’t a virtue. It’s a liability.
Self-Compassion:
There is a better way forward: self-compassion.
When you practice self-compassionate leadership, you learn to:
Be accountable for your well-being: Prioritize your health and energy as non-negotiable. Leading well starts with caring for yourself first.
Set Boundaries: Say “no” more often, know your limits, and fiercely protect your time and energy.
Embrace Imperfection: Leadership doesn’t require perfection. It requires humanity. Own your mistakes, learn from them, and show your team that growth is a journey, not a destination.
Self-compassion is a leadership epiphany.
It fundamentally rewires how leaders see themselves, shattering the illusion that harsh self-criticism drives success. It’s the moment when they realize that by embracing their own humanity, they unlock a deeper, more authentic form of leadership. This isn’t just a skill to be honed; it’s a revelation that changes everything.
You don’t have to lose yourself to be a great leader. There’s a better way, and it starts with you. Embrace it and watch how everything changes.
What makes self-compassion difficult for leaders?
How might leaders step toward self-compassion?
BIO
Massimo Backus has dedicated his career to empowering leaders with a powerful reminder: You are enough. His journey began amid personal battles with perfectionism and a harsh inner critic, fueled by the challenges of dyslexia. These struggles ultimately guided him toward finding and teaching self-compassion. As an executive coach, speaker, and facilitator, Backus has revolutionized the leadership styles of thousands across prestigious companies such as Amazon, Nintendo, Fox Entertainment, and Sony. He is the author of Human First, Leader Second: How Self-Compassion Outperforms Self-Criticism (Berrett-Koehler).
An interesting attribute for self-improvement and development! It can be nurtured with cautious mind and the will to help others with organised efforts. A good leader will create the work environment for him to perform his duties well and show the way to the followers to effectively excel and shine.
Thank you, Mrunal! Your insight into nurturing self-compassion with mindful and organized efforts is spot on. Leaders who cultivate such environments inspire their teams to thrive. I appreciate your thoughtful reflection!
I’m so glad you found this inspiring, Kelley. Implementing these ideas in the workplace can truly transform our work culture. Thank you for being an advocate for positive change!
I agree that self-compassion is a priority, and I appreciate the 3 focus areas. However, this is my greatest challenge as a leader. The volume of work that needs to be done, the constant pull for my time, and the intensity of issues I’m addressing are what impacts my follow through with self-compassion. Finding that I am starting to fall into that seductive trap described in the post. This post has re-energized me to take a step back and be intentional about self-compassion. Thank you!
So true, the feeling of being pulled in so many directions. Feeling stretched to the limit. But growing up being taught ” you have to be willing to go the extra mile and do whatever is necessary to get ahead.” If one positive thing came out of the pandemic, it was the recognition that a person’s well-being should be valued at work.
So true, Dan. The recognition of well-being in the workplace has indeed been a silver lining from a challenging time. I appreciate your reflection on this shift in values. Let’s continue to value our well-being!
Stacey, your honesty is powerful. It’s easy to fall into that trap, but recognizing it is a huge first step. I’m glad this post re-energized you, and I’m cheering you on as you prioritize self-compassion—you deserve it!
Mr.Backus is absolutely correct! I am in the human services field going on 44 years and learned not that long ago – as much as I love my work, I needed to take better care of myself. By doing so I believe I am a more effective leader. Setting boundaries is still a challenge but continue to work on that. Thank you for the ‘truisms’!!!
Thank you for sharing your journey, Nancy! It’s inspiring to hear how prioritizing self-care has made you a more effective leader. Keep setting those boundaries—you’re making a difference!
I’ll admit that I find this challenging. I know myself well enough to recognize my pendulum swings far in both directions. It “feels” like when I’m not pushing myself, I’m just wasting my time, and sometimes I realize that I am wasting time.
It is challenging to keep work life balance with so many competing demands and priorities. I will read this book as I am always interesting in new ideas to adopt or adapt. Thanks for sharing this new book!
Kathy, I’m glad this resonated with you. Balancing competing demands is no small feat, but I hope you find some valuable ideas in the book. Thank you for your commitment to growth!
Thank you Dan for this timely share! I have often felt like I have nothing in my tank after feeling like I need to push harder on myself with more hours for the “good of the team”. I’ve begun to realize that doing that doesn’t benefit anyone. I look forward to reading the book and working on making myself a priority.
Thank you Dan! I had to learn to care for myself by learning to say “no” to others. It changes done relationships drastically, but I was better off for the changes!
It is a constant battle to balance self and family versus the never ending needs of the business. Finding that balance is the key to health, happiness and success. Reading your blog has definitely helped me in the quest to find that balance. Thanks Dan!
I know somebody who has dyslexia and always has struggled with his harsh inner critic.
The challenge is how to help these people embrace their true abilities instead pf self-sacrificing.
I am a leader of a team at work. I enjoy it an never thought of this approach. It makes perfect sense.
I had a personal experience which proved this theory without me even being aware.
Unfortunately, my spouse had a heart attack, and I wore myself out taking care of him and the house, always pushing myself harder, then I hit a wall. I had to stop and show some self-compassion so that I could continue to care for my ailing spouse.
I will begin to implement this into my daily leadership style and see how it affects my “Teamies”.
I love this concept – on both a personal and professional level. In my opinion, women in particular put themselves last, and having this book to read, remind myself and share concepts with my colleagues would be awesome. Thanks!
I (and suspect many others) relate deeply. And I would venture there is one more reason to practice self compassion: as leaders, we are role models. And the greatest “legacy” we can leave is the next generation of leaders. But if we work ourselves to the ground; if we don’t prioritize self care and a balanced and happy life – who will aspire to be the next gen? Self-care and self-compassion is centred on the “self”, but it’s actually a generative concept and has returns well beyond the individual.
I grew up thinking that self sacrifice was just what was expected/done. It didn’t phase me to spend hours behind the work day in things that didn’t serve me well. Thanks for this message!
I feel ‘Addiction to success’ drives leaders to ‘SELF-SACRIFICE’ – both of which lead to a high cost of achievement.
Embracing their own humanity seems to be a step in the right direction – but leaders’ humility should not come in the way, as a roadblock
I agree, I am just now realizing how much I need to care for myself after being a caretaker for my father for a few years. That was a draining experience that caused a lot of brain fog.
Something I have built into my leadership style since COVID is being more accountable for my own health, wellness in balance in my career. It sounds like this book is delivering a similar message and may offer more tips and advice.
This is revelatory and goes ‘against the grain’ of contemporary corporate culture which seeks to squeeze everything out of leaders in ‘sacrifice’ to the mission.
This is a great message and one that we need to be reminded of often. Once in a new human resources leadership position, I was asked by one of my subordinates what qualified me for that position. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I told them I was qualified because I was human and keeping that in mind throughout my leadership roles has helped so much.
Is there a fear that the world will criticise you as selfish?, giving excuses for not measuring up?
How might leaders step toward self-compassion?
In the game of life what is important? health or just work? Healthy leadership achieves more in the long run both for the self and for the organisation.
This is such a revalation for me. We have the egoistic aproach and the self-sacrifising aproach and what is the balance between the two? Very interesting.
Mental health matters! Do the things you need to do to take care of your self first! Remember the safety demo on a plane – put your oxygen mask on first. You’re setting the example for those you lead. I have recently started listening to morning affirmations to help get my mind in a position of calm and positivity each morning. I block out focus time on my calendar and am very mindful of whether or not to give it up. I’ve worked for organizations that worked me to the bone and I fell apart mentally. Life is not worth being martyred for your work. We are more than our career. I’m no where near where I want to be in this journey for balance and self-compassion, but I am much farther along than I was 10 years ago.
Great first post of the week!
Early in my career – especially when co-workers started to have children and the obligations that came with those – and because I had chosen not to – I began to think that one of the ways I could/should lead is to allow those parents to have full lives and for me to “cover” in terms of working weekend and evening events so that they could be with their families. It didn’t occur to me until it was almost too late and I got a series of personal wake up calls of my own due to parents and a spouse needing care that my own life, my own calendar needed to have mattered to. It’s impossible to drink from an empty cup and unwinding from decades of trying to do so has been a difficult journey.
There are so many great things about this post and doing the work of self compassion. When we first lead inward and allow ourselves grace and compassion, then we can be that kind of leader for others. I find those leaders that have the most self judgement of themselves….. also are most judgmental of others. Leaders need to model this for their teams. When they do this, they are giving others permission to do the same.
This is a timely message for me and my family. I’ve shared your post with each of them as a reminder to take care of “me” first to gather confidence and inner strength. Thanks for sharing, Dan.
I have been in school administration for 17 years and found this to be 100% true. I was a principal for 14 years and burned myself out. I’ve switched back to Assistant Principal now and couldn’t be happier! It’s so nice to not have to do everything for everyone. There was always too much to do and not enough time. Now I am spending more time with my family and feel so much more relaxed. The cut in pay was totally worth it. We all know that money does not buy happiness. Taking care of myself and making time for the other things I love to do is making me happy.
I am at my best when I set boundaries and take care of myself – but it is a challenge. I am at my worst when I let my job take over all of my thoughts and energy. It takes effort and conscientiousness to keep those boundaries up and not let stress and other people’s emergencies knock them down.
I would love a copy of this book. I work in an industry where if you aren’t working 12 plus hours days then you aren’t seen as a leader and won’t move up. I keep trying to push back on that but am now considering not applying for higher position because the expectations are unrealistic.
Self-compassion is difficult for leaders because they often feel a deep responsibility to serve others, and traditional views of leadership equate sacrifice with commitment. Many leaders believe they must always be available, pushing through exhaustion to meet the needs of their team. This creates guilt when they try to prioritize their own well-being, as if caring for themselves means neglecting those they lead. Perfectionism and the fear of being vulnerable also make it hard for leaders to accept their own limitations without feeling they’re letting others down.
But empathy begins with oneself. When leaders recognize that self-compassion isn’t selfish but a foundation for effective leadership, they gain the capacity to better serve those around them. By embracing their own humanity, they not only model strength through vulnerability but also create an environment where their team feels safe to grow and innovate. In caring for themselves, they unlock greater clarity, empathy, and resilience, allowing them to lead from a place of wholeness, not depletion
When you are looking back at the arc of a long career and realizing you have worked for several great leaders and they weren’t all alike, you finally get the point, there is no one way to do it. What many great leaders do is be themselves and take bits and pieces from all the advice to sand off their rough edges and accentuate the qualities they do have. Certainly managing your time and energy are keys to success that most will never learn or will learn but not do anything about. Because working like a dog feels like a success strategy.
This message resonates so strongly with me. As a passionate leader, I find myself consistently trying not to lose my total self in my work and walk that balance of self preservation vs. passionate change leader. Would love to hear the full message of this book!
Great Post. I especially see this with men. As men, we are constantly keeping score (salary and prestige) and we tend to let our friendships go. We have to invest in our relationships – not just our family.
a knee jerk reaction at first…what? we’re not supposed to sacrifice self? where’s the line between “dying to yourself” and not sacrificing self? seems juxtaposed. I’be been through the devastation of burn out and came back from it, and dont want to go back…sounds like an interesting read and a needed one for our “its not enough” culture. thx
Wow! Struggling with perfectionism and being my own worst critic, this makes me wonder if I need to consider a change in my lifestyle to be a more effective leader and person overall.
I very much agree that making the shift from self-sacrifice towards self-compassion isn’t just a skill to be honed; it’s a revelation that changes everything. We are allowing ourselves to be more human.
This was very timely for me. I am a building administrator and as much as I want boundaries and to say no the amount I am expected to do by many is unrealistic and unsustainable. Education at this time needs more messages like this as we hear some about protecting the teaching staff, in which not only I do but I firmly agree with, but little about in impact on administrative positions. Leading is a challenge with the other items now tasked on us. I’m looking forward to potentially reading this book to move away for the track I am on and find a reasonable balance before I burn myself out.
Through my own therapy journey and also years of flying (that’s a haha reference), you can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself. By doing that it also sets the tone for others to practice self care and care for their subordinates as well.
Great message that for me is also timely. Thank you.
Self-Preservation. We must understand leadership is not our identity, it’s a calling equipped by God. Our identity is in Christ. Boundaries are paramount. It is okay to let “No” be a complete sentence. I needed this reminder today. This book sounds like pages full of wisdom.
I have the honor of coaching school administrators and teachers- the messages shared here resonate with their experiences and how I try to support them with. What a gift to be able to help people care for themselves.
I think the important thing here is that you have to model the behavior you want from your people. When you don’t care for yourself, don’t forget that you are setting an example for others.
So many of (the very good points) go so much deeper. Each leader may have a different history as to why, for example, self-compassion, is difficult. Or, what truly drives their need for self-sacrifice.
Good message, one we don’t think about very often yet the impact on our leadership abilities and the work with our teams are impacted. Time to rethink all we are doing and focus on what matters.
This could not have appeared in my inbox at a better time. Erosion has been underway at my workplace for far too long and many of us have been trying to slow the ill effects. Sacrifice bleeds into all aspects of life – family, friends, workplace and self.
Self compassion! Such a powerful message to leaders! Shifting to this mindset will require time and support as we’ve spent so long beating up ourselves and telling others how we must work harder and harder to achieve. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other.
This is a very timely and important message as a Leader’s well being is secondary to the demands. These demands don’t slow down at night, weekends and holidays. I woke up at 4:00am last night and could not get back to sleep due to complex work issues. This unfortunately has become more the norm then the exception.
Self-Compassion “isn’t just a skill to be honed; it’s a revelation that changes everything.” That is the real nugget of truth for me. The thought of everything changing is both exciting and terrifying.
This is a great concept, I do struggle with giving up my time to get other things done. Maybe its a culture thing. Its hard to say no sometimes depending on where the ask is coming from. Would love to see the book. Thanks for sharing.
Self-compassion is a new term to me and I agree with Stacey Spencer that it should be a priority. And as reader Ted stated “Finding that balance” is the key to health, happiness and success. Some great responses to a great topic today. Thanks to Dan for his work and for the help it provides.
Work life balance is very difficult for me to achieve. Delegating isn’t always the solution but learning to put myself first is something I am working on. Sometimes the leaders needs come first so they can continue to lead the team.
This article is so timely for me – thank you! At times, I have felt like I have had to choose between self-care and leadership. Either choice can lead to burnout in some part of life. As I grow in my leadership, I see how the flow of self-compassion helps keep everything moving forward in the direction I want to go in, and the importance of practicing that skill in all areas of my life.
I have lived self-sacrifice at the office too many times in my career and paid for it physically and emotionally. Self-compassion was a foreign concept to me until around COVID. I am now more accountable for my well-being. It is hard and sometimes comes with guilt but I hope to get better at it with each day. Would love to see how this is covered in the book.
Self-compassion is more nuanced than typical thinking about self-care. For me, it is showing up for myself in moments of weakness and doubt and offering myself the same degree of respect that I strive to give others. It is the foundation of self-care, but not exactly the same. Interesting points. Thank you.
Self-compassion is difficult when also trying to be a servant leader. So many conflicting demands and determining which are most important is often difficult. Trying to balance the needs of others and the need for rest for myself is something I really struggle with. Great post!!!
The default for any leader is compassion. Without the connection to people and their needs, we cannot be effective. Self compassion is more difficult to address. The comments are as important as the post!
It is refreshing to hear that leadership does not have to be a zero sum game. Winning as a leader does not have to come at a cost to our health or relationships. Unfortunately, self-compassion is a simple concept that is difficult to pull off. Would like to read more about it.
This is so difficult because there is always work to be done. It is easy to take it home with you every single night! I know I find myself working at home often and always feeling like my work is not complete. As leaders we need to know where to “turn if off”: computers, phones, emails, brainstorming, worrying, etc.
It’s important to be reminded that we are people first; however, once you attain leadership it’s like we’re expected to be mechanical in how we treat staff and ourselves. We still make mistakes and that should be okay.
Great message and ties to other leaderships. I believe we will also see this play out in the generational divide where our younger workforce is more focused on personal well-being. As we look also look at the “employee experience” this is also a critical point that must be addressed up front in setting the proper foundation for success.
Such a thoughtful and powerful message. I have been living through a season of self sacrifice on a non-profit board. Trying to serve the community where I live and support local businesses, has created not only issues with my family and friends, it has been impacting my ability to find new clients for my own business.
This message has really driven home the need to be a better human first and always.
This is such an important message. I’ve fallen for the self-sacrifice trap and the situation I’ve recently found myself in isn’t a good one. People, take care of yourselves, if you don’t no-one will!
Self compassion is something we all struggle with…. We always seem to give it openly and fully but seem to fall short when its about ourselves. Cant wait to read this one!
“Human First, Leader Second”-How timely and how appropriate. I am still growing in this area, having discovered that we cannot “run on empty” and we cannot give what we do not have. We are not productive in that state. Great message!
Self-compassion is difficult for leaders because we frequently do exactly the opposite of the three categories that you provided for self-compassion.
1- Well Being- do leaders take care of themselves physically and mentally? Things like getting enough sleep, exercising, finding an enjoyable hobby like reading, gardening or cooking. All too often the answer is no.
2- Boundaries- do leaders say “No” often enough? Do you have boundaries for work and family time? Personally, I don’t believe in “work life balance”, but I am a STRONG believer in “Work Life Separation”… and that separation requires boundaries.
3- Standard of Perfection- oftentimes leaders are not happy unless something goes perfectly. What a double edged sword because it is the desire for that perfection that can lead us to achieve at a high level and it is the feeling of being unsatisfied when we’re not perfect that can lead us down the path of burnout.
How can leaders step toward self-compassion?
– Awareness. Be aware when you are getting too tired to perform at an optimal level. Be aware when it is time to go for a walk. Know that it is important to make time for exercise, hobbies, friends and family.
– Utilize the buddy system. Have a mentor in a similar position that you can call. Maybe not even call for advice, but just to vent off some steam. There’s merit to that. Have a friend that can help you be accountable to yourself in the areas of self-compassion.
– Boundaries. Saying “No, that’s for someone else to do” is powerful for yourself and the person you are delegating to. Set clear boundaries with your direct reports about time away from work. I stress to my team that when I’m here, I’m all the way here. And when I’m at my kids’ games or something personal then I’m there and the only reason to contact me is if life or property is at risk.
Self-Compassion would have been quite a paradigm shift for me prior to the pandemic. However, being an educational leader through the pandemic, self-compassion was the path to self-preservation in many instances. I have multiple friends that would be categorized as Level 5 Leaders that consistently place the needs of others before themselves and have the “Do whatever it takes to help others succeed.” mindset. However, at our last get together the subject of burnout came up and the importance of being able to take care of our selves in order to take care of our families and those we serve. Needless to say, today’s post really registered with me.
Great point and after reflecting on this, I know I have myself have often caught myself easily falling into the trap of sacrificing so many things especially fitness and family thinking it is part of leadership and often tell my subordinates not to sacrifice.
Most of the time we fail as leaders in this area, the book will be a perfect tool to reminds us we are as important or more than our jobs and that we must reflect, we aware of the erosion! thank you !
This is such an important message. Easy to understand, yet difficult to implement at first. Once grasped, it’s a game-changer! There are some great one-liners in this piece. I’ll have to post them on my desk. Thanks for the insight!
I gave up perfection a long time ago. It’s way too much work and wastes far too much time on things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. I find that for most things in life, close enough is close enough.
To be honest, I have never thought about self-compassion as a part of being a leader. This is really something I need to think about in greater detail to see how I can apply this.
I think a lot of people (myself included, if I’m honest) pay lip service to this concept, but then go right back to the self sacrificing because that’s where we feel “comfortable” and relevant. This is a very necessary reminder to all of us. No one likes to work for a martyr!
This is just the reminder I needed. I retired last year and then committed to a short-term overseas volunteer position. Upon returning home, I decided I’d do it again. I’m leaving the end of this month for another five month stint in Asia. However, I realize I’ve not allowed enough time to “fill my tank” while home.
What a great reminder! Often times I think as Leaders we tend to give constantly to our teams and the organizations; we work for that we often always neglect ourselves. Hence why self-care and wellness has become a huge topic over the last couple of years. We should be mindful of needing to be kind and understanding with ourselves.
An excellent reminder – we can only lead when we have gas in the tank for the journey. When many places are telling us to pour out more than we have, this book sounds like a much-needed perspective. I’m glad to know about it, and look forward to reading it!
I’ve definitely struggled with this. I’m curious about how to prevent this going too far, where sometimes leaders become too self-indulgent to the ignorance of team’s needs.
The author Massimo is flagging up a different perspective of leadership that has been often overlooked. This will serve as wake up call to those who view leadership as a burning candle. Let them be graceful enough to have self compassion and reinvent their leadership personality. A good book no doubt that will help leaders rediscover themselves. Thank you for drawing my attention to this piece.
A while since I’ve been by your blog, Dan, and per usual, the timing is perfect. I pushed myself a bit too far and came up broken. Literally took a brutal fall that could have been prevented by rest. But the business. The family. The work. The needs of the many over the one. The people depending on me. The people who weren’t going to show up, so I guess I have to stand in the gap. Was it truth? Maybe. But a truth is also that I didn’t value my body screaming for a break. Our non-negotiables in life have to begin with a few things, like nurturing oneself and one’s physical container. Sans the guilt, the drama, the expectations–what is HEALTHY does not look like martyrdom or neglect or abuse. Pain isn’t always gain. And these bodies of ours, these wonderfully miraculous vessels, deserve so much more rest and pause and breathing than we give them. When they are well rested and breathed, our other skills and decisions better fall into place. Our society pushes and prepares us for revving up and serving and working “better” and holding our breath as we hold our nose to the grind of perfection to support others. It does not prepare us to slow down, to pause, or to stop. Much less take a tumble. Even one imperfect moment, or pause, can make a difference.
Even though I promote self care all the time for the staff I work with, it’s very difficult for myself. I think that is because not only do I have a lot to do during the day, I also feel like I need to be there for my staff at all times in case they need something or have a question. I always want them to feel supported and that I am available to them. I almost always eat lunch at my desk and never take breaks. Lately, I have been making myself walk away from my office for lunch and also just walking around outside for 10-15 min a couple of times during the day. It has been life changing because I am able to decompress for a bit. I also feel like I have a clear head to come back to be that actual support they need. I also am trying to practice more of what I preach. By that, I mean I have vacation time so if I’m feeling off, it’s ok to use it. I have also been trying to do things like go out to lunch with another manager or I have actually bonded with another manager that works in a different part of the state. We periodically do a teams call, where we discuss those “wanting to bang your head on the desk” moments. It’s been wonderful because we both can relate. Lastly, I try really hard to spend the last hour of the day wrapping up any big or critical things. I think it’s super important to be able to walk away at the end of the day and not think about work until the next day. I leave it there.
Balance, balance, balance!! If I don’t take care of myself first, I can’t possibly achieve my goals. At the end of this thing called life, I hope my achievements aren’t measured by the amount of work I completed, but by what I was able to pass on, how I made others feel, and if those that I worked with say, “Laura lead well and was a great human being” then mission accomplished! That starts by taking care of me first. Can’t wait to read this one!
Ties in nicely with work I’m currently doing on mindfulness and Bowen Family Systems Theory as it applies to the emotional systems of the workplace (in my case schools). Leaders thrive when they are clear on where they end and others begin, their core values and goals, and can act as a non-anxious presence in the face of surrounding togetherness pressures. Looks like a wonderful book.
After 33 years as an educational servant, I can truly say I’ve sacrificed my health and well-being to be the best leader I thought I was being until I realized my cup was empty. This is so powerful because it’s so hard for a school principal to say no and set boundaries.
Showing up as vulnerable human allows others to connect with you and follow someone that they can trust and believe in. Taking care of yourself allows your staff the freedom to take care of themselves.
The message of self sacrifice was a prominent theme prior to COVID. Yet the nature of exempt or salaried positions still allude to this concept, especially in government agencies where salaried individuals are expected to work at least 40 hours a week and any additional hours till the work is done without additional compensation. (Not a balance of 40 per week across a month as corporate salaried employees experience.) I know self compassion is my responsibility and I try to lead by example, but the demands of my position sometimes sabotage my efforts. I hope I’m selected for the free copy as I am eager to learn more.
Great reminder once again Dan. Easier said than done sometimes. As I have grown as a leader, I have found this to be so important. In the early days we were taught to self criticize and be hard on ourselves to be better leaders. Mistakes were viewed as bad instead of learning blocks to prepare for the future. Powerful paradigm shift to see the benefits of this type of approach. Lover your articles and keep them coming!!
I really enjoyed the concepts of Massimo’s book — I was fortunate to see an early copy before its official release. Highly recommended for anyone doubting their ability as a leader, or those thinking of moving into a supervisor role.
It’s like a good night’s sleep – always a great idea and strange how difficult it can be to let go and receive the gift. We’re wired to believe self-critique is how you move yourself and others forward (“try harder; you’re not good enough!”). But…when self-compassion is discovered (unfortunately, usually it takes a fall, failure, or loss of some sort to know this gift), it’s revelatory. Not only does your most powerful, authentic self show up in leadership – so too does a whole of creativity, wisdom, and courage that you did not know about.
This is such an important message to all leaders.
Thank you, Cassie! I couldn’t agree more—this is a message that resonates deeply with the realities of leadership today. Your support means a lot!
I love this concept and the dire need for this to be implemented in our work places today. Thanks for the inspiration.
An interesting attribute for self-improvement and development! It can be nurtured with cautious mind and the will to help others with organised efforts. A good leader will create the work environment for him to perform his duties well and show the way to the followers to effectively excel and shine.
Thank you, Mrunal! Your insight into nurturing self-compassion with mindful and organized efforts is spot on. Leaders who cultivate such environments inspire their teams to thrive. I appreciate your thoughtful reflection!
I’m so glad you found this inspiring, Kelley. Implementing these ideas in the workplace can truly transform our work culture. Thank you for being an advocate for positive change!
I agree that self-compassion is a priority, and I appreciate the 3 focus areas. However, this is my greatest challenge as a leader. The volume of work that needs to be done, the constant pull for my time, and the intensity of issues I’m addressing are what impacts my follow through with self-compassion. Finding that I am starting to fall into that seductive trap described in the post. This post has re-energized me to take a step back and be intentional about self-compassion. Thank you!
So true, the feeling of being pulled in so many directions. Feeling stretched to the limit. But growing up being taught ” you have to be willing to go the extra mile and do whatever is necessary to get ahead.” If one positive thing came out of the pandemic, it was the recognition that a person’s well-being should be valued at work.
So true, Dan. The recognition of well-being in the workplace has indeed been a silver lining from a challenging time. I appreciate your reflection on this shift in values. Let’s continue to value our well-being!
Stacey, your honesty is powerful. It’s easy to fall into that trap, but recognizing it is a huge first step. I’m glad this post re-energized you, and I’m cheering you on as you prioritize self-compassion—you deserve it!
Mr.Backus is absolutely correct! I am in the human services field going on 44 years and learned not that long ago – as much as I love my work, I needed to take better care of myself. By doing so I believe I am a more effective leader. Setting boundaries is still a challenge but continue to work on that. Thank you for the ‘truisms’!!!
Thank you for sharing your journey, Nancy! It’s inspiring to hear how prioritizing self-care has made you a more effective leader. Keep setting those boundaries—you’re making a difference!
I’ll admit that I find this challenging. I know myself well enough to recognize my pendulum swings far in both directions. It “feels” like when I’m not pushing myself, I’m just wasting my time, and sometimes I realize that I am wasting time.
It is challenging to keep work life balance with so many competing demands and priorities. I will read this book as I am always interesting in new ideas to adopt or adapt. Thanks for sharing this new book!
Kathy, I’m glad this resonated with you. Balancing competing demands is no small feat, but I hope you find some valuable ideas in the book. Thank you for your commitment to growth!
SO much truth! Finding balance is important.
Absolutely, finding balance is crucial! Thank you for highlighting this essential part of the conversation.
This is an enlightening message and concept, one of mind over matter. Too often overlooked but at the heart of everyone’s beginning.
Thank you, Michael! You captured it perfectly—self-compassion is often overlooked but foundational. Let’s keep this vital message at the forefront.
Thank you Dan for this timely share! I have often felt like I have nothing in my tank after feeling like I need to push harder on myself with more hours for the “good of the team”. I’ve begun to realize that doing that doesn’t benefit anyone. I look forward to reading the book and working on making myself a priority.
As someone new to a leadership role, this is a good reminder that leadership doesn’t require perfection.
Thank you Dan! I had to learn to care for myself by learning to say “no” to others. It changes done relationships drastically, but I was better off for the changes!
This would be so helpful to me right now. Thank you!
It is a constant battle to balance self and family versus the never ending needs of the business. Finding that balance is the key to health, happiness and success. Reading your blog has definitely helped me in the quest to find that balance. Thanks Dan!
I know somebody who has dyslexia and always has struggled with his harsh inner critic.
The challenge is how to help these people embrace their true abilities instead pf self-sacrificing.
I am a leader of a team at work. I enjoy it an never thought of this approach. It makes perfect sense.
I had a personal experience which proved this theory without me even being aware.
Unfortunately, my spouse had a heart attack, and I wore myself out taking care of him and the house, always pushing myself harder, then I hit a wall. I had to stop and show some self-compassion so that I could continue to care for my ailing spouse.
I will begin to implement this into my daily leadership style and see how it affects my “Teamies”.
Thank you for your insight.
I love this concept – on both a personal and professional level. In my opinion, women in particular put themselves last, and having this book to read, remind myself and share concepts with my colleagues would be awesome. Thanks!
Thank you for this very important reminder.
I (and suspect many others) relate deeply. And I would venture there is one more reason to practice self compassion: as leaders, we are role models. And the greatest “legacy” we can leave is the next generation of leaders. But if we work ourselves to the ground; if we don’t prioritize self care and a balanced and happy life – who will aspire to be the next gen? Self-care and self-compassion is centred on the “self”, but it’s actually a generative concept and has returns well beyond the individual.
I grew up thinking that self sacrifice was just what was expected/done. It didn’t phase me to spend hours behind the work day in things that didn’t serve me well. Thanks for this message!
I feel ‘Addiction to success’ drives leaders to ‘SELF-SACRIFICE’ – both of which lead to a high cost of achievement.
Embracing their own humanity seems to be a step in the right direction – but leaders’ humility should not come in the way, as a roadblock
I agree, I am just now realizing how much I need to care for myself after being a caretaker for my father for a few years. That was a draining experience that caused a lot of brain fog.
This message is for me! Thank you.
A message we all need to hear and be reminded of ongoing.
Simple, yet powerful advice.
Thank you for reminding us of our humanity.
Something I have built into my leadership style since COVID is being more accountable for my own health, wellness in balance in my career. It sounds like this book is delivering a similar message and may offer more tips and advice.
This is revelatory and goes ‘against the grain’ of contemporary corporate culture which seeks to squeeze everything out of leaders in ‘sacrifice’ to the mission.
This is a great message and one that we need to be reminded of often. Once in a new human resources leadership position, I was asked by one of my subordinates what qualified me for that position. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I told them I was qualified because I was human and keeping that in mind throughout my leadership roles has helped so much.
What makes self-compassion difficult for leaders?
Is there a fear that the world will criticise you as selfish?, giving excuses for not measuring up?
How might leaders step toward self-compassion?
In the game of life what is important? health or just work? Healthy leadership achieves more in the long run both for the self and for the organisation.
This is such a revalation for me. We have the egoistic aproach and the self-sacrifising aproach and what is the balance between the two? Very interesting.
Mental health matters! Do the things you need to do to take care of your self first! Remember the safety demo on a plane – put your oxygen mask on first. You’re setting the example for those you lead. I have recently started listening to morning affirmations to help get my mind in a position of calm and positivity each morning. I block out focus time on my calendar and am very mindful of whether or not to give it up. I’ve worked for organizations that worked me to the bone and I fell apart mentally. Life is not worth being martyred for your work. We are more than our career. I’m no where near where I want to be in this journey for balance and self-compassion, but I am much farther along than I was 10 years ago.
Great first post of the week!
Early in my career – especially when co-workers started to have children and the obligations that came with those – and because I had chosen not to – I began to think that one of the ways I could/should lead is to allow those parents to have full lives and for me to “cover” in terms of working weekend and evening events so that they could be with their families. It didn’t occur to me until it was almost too late and I got a series of personal wake up calls of my own due to parents and a spouse needing care that my own life, my own calendar needed to have mattered to. It’s impossible to drink from an empty cup and unwinding from decades of trying to do so has been a difficult journey.
This sounds very intriguing! I’ve always struggled with balancing service based leadership with my own well-being.
There are so many great things about this post and doing the work of self compassion. When we first lead inward and allow ourselves grace and compassion, then we can be that kind of leader for others. I find those leaders that have the most self judgement of themselves….. also are most judgmental of others. Leaders need to model this for their teams. When they do this, they are giving others permission to do the same.
This is a timely message for me and my family. I’ve shared your post with each of them as a reminder to take care of “me” first to gather confidence and inner strength. Thanks for sharing, Dan.
I have been in school administration for 17 years and found this to be 100% true. I was a principal for 14 years and burned myself out. I’ve switched back to Assistant Principal now and couldn’t be happier! It’s so nice to not have to do everything for everyone. There was always too much to do and not enough time. Now I am spending more time with my family and feel so much more relaxed. The cut in pay was totally worth it. We all know that money does not buy happiness. Taking care of myself and making time for the other things I love to do is making me happy.
This book sounds exactly like what I need to be reading right now.
You can’t hope to effectively take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.
Taking care of yourself is huge – every day trying to teach oneself this huge component of being a successful leader is for sure a struggle.
I know several leaders who need to read this! Including me!
I am at my best when I set boundaries and take care of myself – but it is a challenge. I am at my worst when I let my job take over all of my thoughts and energy. It takes effort and conscientiousness to keep those boundaries up and not let stress and other people’s emergencies knock them down.
I would love a copy of this book. I work in an industry where if you aren’t working 12 plus hours days then you aren’t seen as a leader and won’t move up. I keep trying to push back on that but am now considering not applying for higher position because the expectations are unrealistic.
Self-compassion is difficult for leaders because they often feel a deep responsibility to serve others, and traditional views of leadership equate sacrifice with commitment. Many leaders believe they must always be available, pushing through exhaustion to meet the needs of their team. This creates guilt when they try to prioritize their own well-being, as if caring for themselves means neglecting those they lead. Perfectionism and the fear of being vulnerable also make it hard for leaders to accept their own limitations without feeling they’re letting others down.
But empathy begins with oneself. When leaders recognize that self-compassion isn’t selfish but a foundation for effective leadership, they gain the capacity to better serve those around them. By embracing their own humanity, they not only model strength through vulnerability but also create an environment where their team feels safe to grow and innovate. In caring for themselves, they unlock greater clarity, empathy, and resilience, allowing them to lead from a place of wholeness, not depletion
I have been working on self-compassion…can’t wait to learn more
When you are looking back at the arc of a long career and realizing you have worked for several great leaders and they weren’t all alike, you finally get the point, there is no one way to do it. What many great leaders do is be themselves and take bits and pieces from all the advice to sand off their rough edges and accentuate the qualities they do have. Certainly managing your time and energy are keys to success that most will never learn or will learn but not do anything about. Because working like a dog feels like a success strategy.
This message resonates so strongly with me. As a passionate leader, I find myself consistently trying not to lose my total self in my work and walk that balance of self preservation vs. passionate change leader. Would love to hear the full message of this book!
Great Post. I especially see this with men. As men, we are constantly keeping score (salary and prestige) and we tend to let our friendships go. We have to invest in our relationships – not just our family.
a knee jerk reaction at first…what? we’re not supposed to sacrifice self? where’s the line between “dying to yourself” and not sacrificing self? seems juxtaposed. I’be been through the devastation of burn out and came back from it, and dont want to go back…sounds like an interesting read and a needed one for our “its not enough” culture. thx
Wow! Struggling with perfectionism and being my own worst critic, this makes me wonder if I need to consider a change in my lifestyle to be a more effective leader and person overall.
I very much agree that making the shift from self-sacrifice towards self-compassion isn’t just a skill to be honed; it’s a revelation that changes everything. We are allowing ourselves to be more human.
This was very timely for me. I am a building administrator and as much as I want boundaries and to say no the amount I am expected to do by many is unrealistic and unsustainable. Education at this time needs more messages like this as we hear some about protecting the teaching staff, in which not only I do but I firmly agree with, but little about in impact on administrative positions. Leading is a challenge with the other items now tasked on us. I’m looking forward to potentially reading this book to move away for the track I am on and find a reasonable balance before I burn myself out.
I see where this is something I need to work on.
Through my own therapy journey and also years of flying (that’s a haha reference), you can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself. By doing that it also sets the tone for others to practice self care and care for their subordinates as well.
Great message that for me is also timely. Thank you.
Self care is not a selfish act!
Self-Preservation. We must understand leadership is not our identity, it’s a calling equipped by God. Our identity is in Christ. Boundaries are paramount. It is okay to let “No” be a complete sentence. I needed this reminder today. This book sounds like pages full of wisdom.
I have the honor of coaching school administrators and teachers- the messages shared here resonate with their experiences and how I try to support them with. What a gift to be able to help people care for themselves.
I think the important thing here is that you have to model the behavior you want from your people. When you don’t care for yourself, don’t forget that you are setting an example for others.
This is an inspiring message for today that I think we all need to remember.
“There is a better way forward: self-compassion.”
‘A life of sacrifice is the pinnacle of art, and is full of true joy’ – Gandhi
So many of (the very good points) go so much deeper. Each leader may have a different history as to why, for example, self-compassion, is difficult. Or, what truly drives their need for self-sacrifice.
Thank you, not only for the article but for the book. So many of us need to learn how to cut our selves some slack sometimes.
Good message, one we don’t think about very often yet the impact on our leadership abilities and the work with our teams are impacted. Time to rethink all we are doing and focus on what matters.
Very interesting read. Would love to read into a more in depth analysis.
This could not have appeared in my inbox at a better time. Erosion has been underway at my workplace for far too long and many of us have been trying to slow the ill effects. Sacrifice bleeds into all aspects of life – family, friends, workplace and self.
This couldn’t come at a better time for me. Great message.
This would be a great read. This is the very topic that myself and several others are working through.
Self compassion! Such a powerful message to leaders! Shifting to this mindset will require time and support as we’ve spent so long beating up ourselves and telling others how we must work harder and harder to achieve. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other.
This is a very timely and important message as a Leader’s well being is secondary to the demands. These demands don’t slow down at night, weekends and holidays. I woke up at 4:00am last night and could not get back to sleep due to complex work issues. This unfortunately has become more the norm then the exception.
Self-Compassion “isn’t just a skill to be honed; it’s a revelation that changes everything.” That is the real nugget of truth for me. The thought of everything changing is both exciting and terrifying.
Very timely post for me. Thank you for raising the topic.
Interesting concept. Looking forward to reading.
Wow – this is a timely message and a good reminder. You cannot work with an empty cup. Take time to fill your own before serving others.
This is a great concept, I do struggle with giving up my time to get other things done. Maybe its a culture thing. Its hard to say no sometimes depending on where the ask is coming from. Would love to see the book. Thanks for sharing.
Self-compassion is a new term to me and I agree with Stacey Spencer that it should be a priority. And as reader Ted stated “Finding that balance” is the key to health, happiness and success. Some great responses to a great topic today. Thanks to Dan for his work and for the help it provides.
Work life balance is very difficult for me to achieve. Delegating isn’t always the solution but learning to put myself first is something I am working on. Sometimes the leaders needs come first so they can continue to lead the team.
This article is so timely for me – thank you! At times, I have felt like I have had to choose between self-care and leadership. Either choice can lead to burnout in some part of life. As I grow in my leadership, I see how the flow of self-compassion helps keep everything moving forward in the direction I want to go in, and the importance of practicing that skill in all areas of my life.
Great reminder and everyone needs to be reminded of this often that we are truly enough and need to have a full cup to be a good leader.
I have lived self-sacrifice at the office too many times in my career and paid for it physically and emotionally. Self-compassion was a foreign concept to me until around COVID. I am now more accountable for my well-being. It is hard and sometimes comes with guilt but I hope to get better at it with each day. Would love to see how this is covered in the book.
Very timely post, thank you for sharing.
Self-compassion is more nuanced than typical thinking about self-care. For me, it is showing up for myself in moments of weakness and doubt and offering myself the same degree of respect that I strive to give others. It is the foundation of self-care, but not exactly the same. Interesting points. Thank you.
Self-compassion is difficult when also trying to be a servant leader. So many conflicting demands and determining which are most important is often difficult. Trying to balance the needs of others and the need for rest for myself is something I really struggle with. Great post!!!
The default for any leader is compassion. Without the connection to people and their needs, we cannot be effective. Self compassion is more difficult to address. The comments are as important as the post!
It is refreshing to hear that leadership does not have to be a zero sum game. Winning as a leader does not have to come at a cost to our health or relationships. Unfortunately, self-compassion is a simple concept that is difficult to pull off. Would like to read more about it.
This is so difficult because there is always work to be done. It is easy to take it home with you every single night! I know I find myself working at home often and always feeling like my work is not complete. As leaders we need to know where to “turn if off”: computers, phones, emails, brainstorming, worrying, etc.
Thank you
It’s important to be reminded that we are people first; however, once you attain leadership it’s like we’re expected to be mechanical in how we treat staff and ourselves. We still make mistakes and that should be okay.
Thank you for the message!
Great message and ties to other leaderships. I believe we will also see this play out in the generational divide where our younger workforce is more focused on personal well-being. As we look also look at the “employee experience” this is also a critical point that must be addressed up front in setting the proper foundation for success.
Such a thoughtful and powerful message. I have been living through a season of self sacrifice on a non-profit board. Trying to serve the community where I live and support local businesses, has created not only issues with my family and friends, it has been impacting my ability to find new clients for my own business.
This message has really driven home the need to be a better human first and always.
This is such an important message. I’ve fallen for the self-sacrifice trap and the situation I’ve recently found myself in isn’t a good one. People, take care of yourselves, if you don’t no-one will!
self-compassion requires that we prioritize ourselves as an important enough part of our ‘to do’ list.
This is an excellent reminder. Thank you.
Self compassion is something we all struggle with…. We always seem to give it openly and fully but seem to fall short when its about ourselves. Cant wait to read this one!
This was a powerful message. Thank you for sharing.
This is going to be a paradigm shift!
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like a great book that I need to read!
“Human First, Leader Second”-How timely and how appropriate. I am still growing in this area, having discovered that we cannot “run on empty” and we cannot give what we do not have. We are not productive in that state. Great message!
Self-compassion is difficult for leaders because we frequently do exactly the opposite of the three categories that you provided for self-compassion.
1- Well Being- do leaders take care of themselves physically and mentally? Things like getting enough sleep, exercising, finding an enjoyable hobby like reading, gardening or cooking. All too often the answer is no.
2- Boundaries- do leaders say “No” often enough? Do you have boundaries for work and family time? Personally, I don’t believe in “work life balance”, but I am a STRONG believer in “Work Life Separation”… and that separation requires boundaries.
3- Standard of Perfection- oftentimes leaders are not happy unless something goes perfectly. What a double edged sword because it is the desire for that perfection that can lead us to achieve at a high level and it is the feeling of being unsatisfied when we’re not perfect that can lead us down the path of burnout.
How can leaders step toward self-compassion?
– Awareness. Be aware when you are getting too tired to perform at an optimal level. Be aware when it is time to go for a walk. Know that it is important to make time for exercise, hobbies, friends and family.
– Utilize the buddy system. Have a mentor in a similar position that you can call. Maybe not even call for advice, but just to vent off some steam. There’s merit to that. Have a friend that can help you be accountable to yourself in the areas of self-compassion.
– Boundaries. Saying “No, that’s for someone else to do” is powerful for yourself and the person you are delegating to. Set clear boundaries with your direct reports about time away from work. I stress to my team that when I’m here, I’m all the way here. And when I’m at my kids’ games or something personal then I’m there and the only reason to contact me is if life or property is at risk.
Self-Compassion would have been quite a paradigm shift for me prior to the pandemic. However, being an educational leader through the pandemic, self-compassion was the path to self-preservation in many instances. I have multiple friends that would be categorized as Level 5 Leaders that consistently place the needs of others before themselves and have the “Do whatever it takes to help others succeed.” mindset. However, at our last get together the subject of burnout came up and the importance of being able to take care of our selves in order to take care of our families and those we serve. Needless to say, today’s post really registered with me.
Tim- I am an educational leader also and felt the same way about today’s post.
Great point and after reflecting on this, I know I have myself have often caught myself easily falling into the trap of sacrificing so many things especially fitness and family thinking it is part of leadership and often tell my subordinates not to sacrifice.
Learning to implement self-compassion is harder than trying to recite the alphabet backwards. Thank you for this great reminder!
Most of the time we fail as leaders in this area, the book will be a perfect tool to reminds us we are as important or more than our jobs and that we must reflect, we aware of the erosion! thank you !
Why is this so hard!? I can talk the talk to others; but can’t follow it myself! Great read and reminders!
This is such an important message. Easy to understand, yet difficult to implement at first. Once grasped, it’s a game-changer! There are some great one-liners in this piece. I’ll have to post them on my desk. Thanks for the insight!
I gave up perfection a long time ago. It’s way too much work and wastes far too much time on things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. I find that for most things in life, close enough is close enough.
Thank you for these great reads. It all goes back to self love. It’s not being selfish, it’s loving who God created; it’s our responsibility. 🙂
To be honest, I have never thought about self-compassion as a part of being a leader. This is really something I need to think about in greater detail to see how I can apply this.
I think a lot of people (myself included, if I’m honest) pay lip service to this concept, but then go right back to the self sacrificing because that’s where we feel “comfortable” and relevant. This is a very necessary reminder to all of us. No one likes to work for a martyr!
Simple words that pack a punch, so now the work is to apply
You have to be your best self to lead.
This is a great reminder for leaders. Thanks for sharing!
This is just the reminder I needed. I retired last year and then committed to a short-term overseas volunteer position. Upon returning home, I decided I’d do it again. I’m leaving the end of this month for another five month stint in Asia. However, I realize I’ve not allowed enough time to “fill my tank” while home.
As an executive coach, part of my practice is work/life balance. I believe this book on self-compassion plays into that. I’d love getting a free copy!
Wholeheartedly agree. I just quit a foundation after 16 years where the k
Leadership is subpar at best. I cannot give anymore. Hurts too much.
What a great reminder! Often times I think as Leaders we tend to give constantly to our teams and the organizations; we work for that we often always neglect ourselves. Hence why self-care and wellness has become a huge topic over the last couple of years. We should be mindful of needing to be kind and understanding with ourselves.
An excellent reminder – we can only lead when we have gas in the tank for the journey. When many places are telling us to pour out more than we have, this book sounds like a much-needed perspective. I’m glad to know about it, and look forward to reading it!
Massimo plants his flag on the hill of being human and relatable. Well done!
I’ve definitely struggled with this. I’m curious about how to prevent this going too far, where sometimes leaders become too self-indulgent to the ignorance of team’s needs.
Interesting perspective ! Very different from what we’re encouraged to live like most days
Have loved your book recommendations so far. Sounds like another good one!!
The author Massimo is flagging up a different perspective of leadership that has been often overlooked. This will serve as wake up call to those who view leadership as a burning candle. Let them be graceful enough to have self compassion and reinvent their leadership personality. A good book no doubt that will help leaders rediscover themselves. Thank you for drawing my attention to this piece.
A while since I’ve been by your blog, Dan, and per usual, the timing is perfect. I pushed myself a bit too far and came up broken. Literally took a brutal fall that could have been prevented by rest. But the business. The family. The work. The needs of the many over the one. The people depending on me. The people who weren’t going to show up, so I guess I have to stand in the gap. Was it truth? Maybe. But a truth is also that I didn’t value my body screaming for a break. Our non-negotiables in life have to begin with a few things, like nurturing oneself and one’s physical container. Sans the guilt, the drama, the expectations–what is HEALTHY does not look like martyrdom or neglect or abuse. Pain isn’t always gain. And these bodies of ours, these wonderfully miraculous vessels, deserve so much more rest and pause and breathing than we give them. When they are well rested and breathed, our other skills and decisions better fall into place. Our society pushes and prepares us for revving up and serving and working “better” and holding our breath as we hold our nose to the grind of perfection to support others. It does not prepare us to slow down, to pause, or to stop. Much less take a tumble. Even one imperfect moment, or pause, can make a difference.
This title is one I need to read!
Looking forward to reading this one – #1 is still the biggest struggle for me.
Even though I promote self care all the time for the staff I work with, it’s very difficult for myself. I think that is because not only do I have a lot to do during the day, I also feel like I need to be there for my staff at all times in case they need something or have a question. I always want them to feel supported and that I am available to them. I almost always eat lunch at my desk and never take breaks. Lately, I have been making myself walk away from my office for lunch and also just walking around outside for 10-15 min a couple of times during the day. It has been life changing because I am able to decompress for a bit. I also feel like I have a clear head to come back to be that actual support they need. I also am trying to practice more of what I preach. By that, I mean I have vacation time so if I’m feeling off, it’s ok to use it. I have also been trying to do things like go out to lunch with another manager or I have actually bonded with another manager that works in a different part of the state. We periodically do a teams call, where we discuss those “wanting to bang your head on the desk” moments. It’s been wonderful because we both can relate. Lastly, I try really hard to spend the last hour of the day wrapping up any big or critical things. I think it’s super important to be able to walk away at the end of the day and not think about work until the next day. I leave it there.
Balance, balance, balance!! If I don’t take care of myself first, I can’t possibly achieve my goals. At the end of this thing called life, I hope my achievements aren’t measured by the amount of work I completed, but by what I was able to pass on, how I made others feel, and if those that I worked with say, “Laura lead well and was a great human being” then mission accomplished! That starts by taking care of me first. Can’t wait to read this one!
Ties in nicely with work I’m currently doing on mindfulness and Bowen Family Systems Theory as it applies to the emotional systems of the workplace (in my case schools). Leaders thrive when they are clear on where they end and others begin, their core values and goals, and can act as a non-anxious presence in the face of surrounding togetherness pressures. Looks like a wonderful book.
After 33 years as an educational servant, I can truly say I’ve sacrificed my health and well-being to be the best leader I thought I was being until I realized my cup was empty. This is so powerful because it’s so hard for a school principal to say no and set boundaries.
This sounds like a very interesting read!
Showing up as vulnerable human allows others to connect with you and follow someone that they can trust and believe in. Taking care of yourself allows your staff the freedom to take care of themselves.
A great reminder for all of us!
The message of self sacrifice was a prominent theme prior to COVID. Yet the nature of exempt or salaried positions still allude to this concept, especially in government agencies where salaried individuals are expected to work at least 40 hours a week and any additional hours till the work is done without additional compensation. (Not a balance of 40 per week across a month as corporate salaried employees experience.) I know self compassion is my responsibility and I try to lead by example, but the demands of my position sometimes sabotage my efforts. I hope I’m selected for the free copy as I am eager to learn more.
Great reminder once again Dan. Easier said than done sometimes. As I have grown as a leader, I have found this to be so important. In the early days we were taught to self criticize and be hard on ourselves to be better leaders. Mistakes were viewed as bad instead of learning blocks to prepare for the future. Powerful paradigm shift to see the benefits of this type of approach. Lover your articles and keep them coming!!
Managing the tension between finding and losing self I find to be one of the most difficult “plays” of the leadership dilemma.
I really enjoyed the concepts of Massimo’s book — I was fortunate to see an early copy before its official release. Highly recommended for anyone doubting their ability as a leader, or those thinking of moving into a supervisor role.
It’s like a good night’s sleep – always a great idea and strange how difficult it can be to let go and receive the gift. We’re wired to believe self-critique is how you move yourself and others forward (“try harder; you’re not good enough!”). But…when self-compassion is discovered (unfortunately, usually it takes a fall, failure, or loss of some sort to know this gift), it’s revelatory. Not only does your most powerful, authentic self show up in leadership – so too does a whole of creativity, wisdom, and courage that you did not know about.
Truly value, not only this particular blog post, but your faithfulness and commitment to adding value to us.
Thank you
Excellent advise!!! I really support the idea!!!