Painful Experiences: The Key to Your Future

The dark side of leading is being haunted by dark memories. Painful experiences shape you.

7 reasons painful experiences cling:

1. Emotions don’t understand time. You feel fresh pain from old experiences.
2. It could happen again.
3. Others don’t get it. You don’t feel heard.
4. Revenge motivates you.
5. Blame is more fun than responsibility.
6. Forgiveness eludes you.
7. Your inner critic reminds you how disappointing you are.

Painful experiences are headwinds at first. When pain achieves its purpose, it propels you forward.

Release:

The three challenges of moving forward are learning, integrating, and letting go.

1. Failures haunt.
2. Offenses sting. Fear of pain blocks joy.
3. Unmet expectations weigh down. A disappointing past grows heavier with time.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” Herman Hesse

5 principles for finding release:

1. Press through. Don’t wait for pain to disappear. 
2. Grow tender, not hard. Let yourself feel pain.
3. Stay vulnerable, not foolish.
4. Listen to the darkness. What positive message comes to you from your dark experiences?
5. Forget forgetting. Forgetting is a pipe dream. You always remember. Release requires habitual forgiveness.

4 forward-facing questions:

Build the future now. Behave your way into your preferred future.

You repeat the past when you wait for the future.

1. What positive character traits are painful experiences calling you to develop?
2. If things were better, what would they be like? Build “better” now.
3. How might hardships expand your potential? For example, pain humbles the heart if you let it.
4. Picture the future you would love to live. What forward-facing behaviors might you engage in today?

Support Others:

Your future includes people.

Turn others toward their future when they’re circling the black hole.

Come alongside:

1. Accept, don’t reject or correct, their sadness.
2. Ask questions.
3. Listen.
4. Reject the need to make it better.

How have painful experiences shaped you?

What advice do you have for someone experiencing dark emotions?

Still curious:

Painful Experiences: 5 Ways to Gain Advantage

Growth Hurts: Create Positive Discomfort

How Painful Experiences Changed the Trajectory of a Fortune 300 CEO

The Role of Suffering