Three Ways to Escape the Rescuer Trap
Dysfunctional leaders play one of three relationship roles, persecutor, rescuer, or victim. “The victim feels helpless, the rescuer has the answer, and the persecutor tells you whose fault it is,” Marlene Chism in, Stop Workplace Drama.
Depending on the situation, you could assume any role but you usually identify with one. Leaders frequently assume the role of dysfunctional rescuer.
10 marks of rescuers:
- Provide quick fixes.
- Take ownership of things they don’t own.
- Feel caught in the middle.
- Drained from resentment.
- Hide the truth to protect people.
- Like to control the show.
- Difficulty watching less competent people learn new skills.
- Obsess about other people’s problems.
- Get angry when others don’t take their advice.
- Difficulty saying no.
For the record, I’m a persecutor not a rescuer. Although, like rescuers, I am a control freak. But, I’ve seen many rescuer-leaders. As a persecutor, I feel sorry for rescuers but that’s another story.
Three suggestions:
- Identify the intended outcome and why you think things can’t be completed without you.
- Stop taking responsibility for others and take responsibility for you.
- View others as capable and when necessary let them suffer and learn.
Two principles:
- Trust yourself enough to speak the truth as you see it.
- Trust others enough that they can deal with it.
The kicker:
If you can’t employ the two principles, “you don’t have real relationships anyway,” Chism.
I thought “Stop Workplace Drama,” was an organizational book but it isn’t. It’s a personal development book that helps leaders identify and move toward their desired future. The Drama Triangle is a transactional analysis tool developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman. Marlene applied it to leadership and work.
What are the pros and cons of leaders as rescuers?
What’s the difference between enabling and rescuing?
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Exactly right, there are some drama triangles outside the workplace this applies to also…
Yes!! This is why I love this tool, because you can apply it as easily with your teenage daughter as with your employee.
My “parent of a teenager daughter” radar just perked up. 🙂
You wouldn’t believe how often I hear someone say, “My daughter is a drama queen!” Ha ha.
Teaching kids and teens about this tool, helps them to become highly aware and responsible.
A friend of mine taught her young daughters, and they would come home from school and say, “Mom, I had a triangle-free day.”
Hi Dan,
I’d be interested in knowing how the triangle defines a persecutor – hopefully that’s still coming.
I think the danger of rescuing can be seen in my case. I used to be a big-time rescuer. My problem was with principle #2. I didn’t trust that other people could handle criticism, or being in trouble, or having to change, or difficult assignments. I finally decided the soft ones would have to toughen up, and the underskilled ones would have to learn, and I could live with work that was only 80% as good as I would have done. Ironically, I found out I didn’t have any soft people, and my underskilled ones were a lot better than I thought. And they started doing things better than I had. All those years that I thought I was elevating our performance, and the organization actually was getting less during that time.
As my boss often says, “I hate it when I find out I’m the limiting factor.”
Greg,
Your insights are spot on. LOL
When we take on other people’s emotional work we add to the dysfunction. This happens with leaders, with parents, and even with spouses.
In the book, in the forth and fifth principle, I talk about the effects of how we “see” each other and how that impacts the way we treat the other person.
The fine line that a leader has to walk is to be mindful when delivering discipline or criticism so that the intention behind it is growth, otherwise the rescuer turns into a persecutor.
Really enjoyed your observations.
This is also defined as codependency, essentially using the fact that one is ‘helping’ others to increases one’s feeling of self worth.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency)
It’s something that I have fallen afoul of in the past, less so now as I tend to catch myself before I make a move.
Good point.
In the book I make the distinction between “helping” and “rescuing.”
The main distinction I find is the feeling-tone. When a person feels resentment after “helping” then usually it’s because they were rescuing.
Your ‘feeling-tone’ is spot on Marlene and a very important distinction. Sometimes we don’t get that feeling initially, it comes over time, perhaps ferments into residual resentment or it leaves a resentment residue.
Awesome article. In this day were families are stretched and caretakers have to juggle work-life balance, this is a wonderful guide to establish healthy boundaries. Thank you for sharing,
In behavioral health, the persecutor is the perpetrator (obviously less appealing a title and has often been a victim in the past).
These behaviors/roles run deep and also often with limited/nil awareness that one is assuming that role reflexively. Before you know it, you are asking yourself–how did I get in this mess (whose fault is it? and then the emotional tsunami is not far behind. (Insert a Jeff Foxworthy-esque, “you might be a rescuer if you keep helping and protecting and helping and yet nothing changes…” here)
It is also interesting to see how easily one can slide from one role to another, very much a dysfunctional death spiral (You might be a victim if you look in a mirror and all you see is Eeyore). There almost is a Sirens-like calling to these roles. (You might be a persecutor if you are tired of all this BS and just wish these people would pull themselves up by their bootstraps…and that still won’t be good enough for you.)
Before the drama drowns you, Marlene’s suggestions and principles are absolutely necessary to start treading water, get some air and then begin swimming away from the riptide.
Getting some distance from the drama so that your perspective is not enmeshed, awash in emotion and skewed is probably the only way to break the cycle. Once away from the swirl, you ask yourself, what is/was my role in this–did it help or did it hinder the process?–not the individuals, the process (usually it hindered if you are honest with yourself) This may also be the time to adapt to an eye in the sky, neutral observer of the process role if you can juggle a bit. That level of centeredness is needed to not get sucked back into the dysfunctional vortex.
Distance . . . absolutely. Sometimes we don’t recognize our roles but we know what drama feels like, and maybe what dramatic language sounds like. Getting a little space for some objectivity can only help. Reflecting on what you say, Doc, it occurs to me that it will take some deliberate work not to swing from one of the drama triangle roles to a very dis-passionate, non-relational mode of interacting, which isn’t always helpful either.
Great points! Yes, breathe and get distance.
When I was writing about this years ago, I interviewed Dr. Karpman and he said, “If you play one role you play them all.”
(You figured that out immediately.) Most people do not realize this important dynamic.
If you rescue long enough, you feel resentful. Then when you feel resentment for any length of time you feel like a victim, which will make you angry eventually and then you persecute.
It really is a circle, but most of us recognize our main orientation and then falsely believe we don’t enter into the other two roles.
Personal responsibility is definitely the way off the triangle…owning the part you played.
As I often say, “It takes two to play games unless you are playing solitaire.” LOL
Thanks for the great insights and wisdom guys.
As a recovering rescuer, I think it’s a role that many new managers assume. They’re afraid to let go, to see their employees make mistakes and to lose control. It sometimes takes years and complete exhaustion to realize you’re way is not always the best, you’re answers are not always right and that you have to say no. This post is so true. Thank you Dan.
What are the pros and cons of leaders as rescuers?
In reading this information, I don’t know that there are clear pros and cons. I say this because I think the goal would be for the leader to try to find a more “central” way of being – which would involve unentrenching (is that a word?) him or herself from the deeply embedded rescuer behaviors. I think number five, which discusses hiding the truth to protect people, is among the worst of the “cons” though – and actually leaders are often far less successful at hiding truths than they believe they are!
What’s the difference between enabling and rescuing?
I think an enabler is more the equivalent of applying fertilizer and insecticide to a nuisance weed (in other words making it possible for the enablee to continue down their destructive path) whereas a rescuer tries to prune and shape the enablee/rescuee into a beautiful sculptured creation — without addressing its inherent “weedness.”
And with that I’ll stop with the plant analogies!!
And as a little point of personal privilege, I want to encourage everyone in the LF community to wish Dan a happy birthday. Happy birthday, Dan – we appreciate all you do to keep us thinking and believing that through effective leadership we can create great things in our business and personal lives. 🙂
thanks for the birthday greetings Paula…I spent the day with my Sweetie and now we are at our daughters visiting three grandchildren.
Happy Birthday, Dan! Or as my brother always says to me, Happy Anniversary of your 39th Birthday.
thanks for the birthday greetings Greg. Having another one is better than not having one. 🙂
I’ve got a boss who is a rescuer. She’s always rescuing clients. The clients that we all hate because they destroy creativity and make our lives hell.
So her rescuing tendencies may rescue the client and make them happy, but she’s shredding our team. Rescuing is an addiction for her and like all addictions, it hurts the people closest to you and the people you need most.
Just have to say how much I enjoy the conversation and thanks to Marlene for joining in. Awesome
Happy Birthday, Dan!
A great post about some very common, self-limiting behavior. When it comes down to it, I think leaders do these things because either they:
a) don’t know what else to do or
b) enjoy the benefit (self-importance) that comes with these behaviors or
c) aren’t aware they’re doing it
Or perhaps d) …some combination.
When I think about what I really want (the situation resolved, the players to gain the skills to avoid or solve in the future, etc) it helps refocus me on productive leadership solutions rather than the corners of the triangle.
Take care and enjoy the remainder of your day,
David
Hi Dan, it is still not 12am where I am so it is fair for me to say “Feliz Cumpleanos y que cumplas muchos mas!” Gracias mi amigo y que Dios te bendiga. 🙂 Birthdays are when we pause to remind ourselves that for 364 days you made a difference and we thank you for it. 🙂 Cheers
And I will be the ‘belated’ props Dan—very appreciative that your parents created you and for your own creative baby-the LF community!
I enjoyed this article – will need to think it over, and am looking forward to your persecuter & victim versions 8^).
It’s good to know where you stand with someone. Games often result when the roles are switched. Passive agressive behaviour could be an example of this.