Solution Saturday: The VP Verbally Attacked Me
Dear Dan,
I’m in need of some advice. I have an outstanding CEO. I truly enjoy having her as a leader. She believes in me and values my opinion. I was recently promoted to a leadership position.
While, I was very excited about this, other VP’s were not. One has a serious problem with it because our CEO didn’t ask her opinion. So much so, that on a Saturday we were both working, I asked her for some help, only to find myself being verbally attacked.
I was told that “no one likes me,”, I only got a “promotion” if that’s what I’d call it, because I’m friends with the CEO’s daughter. That has nothing to do with it, I work hard and value my job.
This conversation took place more than 3 months ago, and I still seem to have this target on my back. She even told me she was waiting for me to fail. I’m not sure what to do about it.
While I have pretty thick skin, and usually let things go, I feel like I was personally attacked for no reason, and because of this, I doubt myself.
I want to be the best possible leader for my team, but this VP seems to do anything she can to stir up trouble. She’s been here just as long as the CEO, so I don’t see her going anywhere.
Do you have any advice for me?
Attacked by the VP
Dear Attacked,
The people around us are the biggest factor in job satisfaction. I know this hurts and makes work miserable.
No reason:
Unfairness pours poison on the knife.
It might not be a good reason, but there is a reason you were attacked. The VP felt disrespected. Chances are, the VP wouldn’t have supported your promotion.
Your CEO:
Don’t expect your CEO to intervene. She may be supportive in private, but it costs too much political capital for her to step in.
Overstate:
Adversaries overstate problems. “No one likes you,” is an overstatement designed to put you down.
Believe:
Your CEO believed in you when she promoted you. Do your best to demonstrate the wisdom of her decision. Believe in yourself.
Relationships, gossip, value, and gratitude:
- Build strong relationships with everyone. You’re going to need them.
- Build the best relationship possible with your adversary.
- Don’t talk negatively about anyone, especially your adversary.
- Add value to everyone. Don’t ask them to serve you. Serve them.
- Speak well of everyone, all the time.
- Take your heartache to someone outside your organization.
- Display good manners and kindness to your adversary. Good manners are about you, not the person receiving them.
- Brag about others who help you achieve results. “Bob really helped us bring it home on our last project.” This helps others see your value without bragging about yourself.
- Let your performance be your defense. Don’t be defensive. It makes you look weak.
- Find a mentor or coach to help you navigate these tensions. You’re going to lose perspective. You need someone in your life who doesn’t have dog in the fight.
- Keep asking yourself, “What can I do that will make me proud?”
- Begin your day by making a gratitude list. Use gratefulness to overcome the power of darkness.
You have my best,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for “Attacked by the VP?”
Added Resource: “Adversaries into Allies,” by Bob Burg.
** I don’t count the number of words in emails I respond to as part of my 300 word limit.
I would also say pray. Pray each day about the situation to God. I tried this once at the recommendation of a friend about a very difficult boss that I had a while back. Note I said had. It took some time but about 1 1/2 in my boss was moved to another department. I know prayers are not always answered this way but you never know what it could bring.
Thanks Kandace. I’m glad you added a spiritual component to this conversation. I can think of several ways to pray for an adversary. You might pray they are moved, promoted, or fired. You might pray they get sick and have to leave the organization. 🙂 You might pray for a stronger relationship. You might pray that you grow because of them.
You made me think. Thanks
Great step!
“…pray for those who use you.”
I’m going to keep this advice handy. I imagine that when someone is going through this it’s easy to lose your perspective.
I’ve heard the saying, “Kill them with kindness,” and I think that’s pretty much the advice here. If you are kind, collaborative, positive and supportive of your team, then eventually what the other person says will sound increasingly petty. Not only that, but if she’s been around awhile, others know what she’s like.
I’d add that you document and date every conversation you have with this adversary – even trivial break room greetings – until the relationship is very much improved. Include who is in hearing distance. It will help you feel more confident if you’re questioned about an interaction.
Praying can’t hurt….
It is very unfortunate and difficult when these things happen as it takes a lot of emotional energy that distracts from the work at hand. Dan, your sage advice is solid. One facet I had not used in the past is utilizing an outside mentor to help navigate the challenge beyond a trusted friend to share the rant.
Keep up the good fight by applying these principles – in my case it took about a year to create a solid working relationship that still requires careful cultivation as it could very easily faulter if I am not careful. In my heart I believe the other person has quite a number of issues of their own and I was just their “target de jure”.
Thanks Doug. I find your comment both challenging and uplifting. One message I take is, don’t take it too personally. It still hurts, for sure, but taking it personally makes it worse.
The one year time frame is another thing that jumps out. We need to buckle in for the long haul if we plan to ride this out. Cheers
Well ‘HappySolutionSaturday’ Dan;
These concepts you share Dan, I share as well.
Ya know, the #1 Thing that bothers me most is that a great deal of CEOs and Executive’s that truly believe in you are very reluctant to do so publically, ‘IF’, “that position challenges their credibility, their image, and how others (perceive) value to the organization.
I guess Jack Nicholson was rite in ‘A Few Good Men’ when he said; “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” Why is it, all our lives we are taught to tell the truth, yet in the twilight years lose the strength to stand up for our convictions even though we know its the right thing to do.
FYI, I personally know the real Naval Physician who determined the cause of death. He’s a personal friend and lives in my neighborhood. Remind me to tell ya the story some time.
Cheers Dan
SGT STEVE
Thanks SGT. Corporate leaders rise to the top, in part because of understanding the dynamics of power. Some organizations only promote people who know how to play politics. When that happens, we should expect posturing from our leaders.
Hmmm.. the Naval Physician…. you’ll have to tell me about that one day.
I’m amazed that you seem so confused in a “role of leadership”. It sounds like you were not prepared or qualified to take on that Leadership role, for leading is more than managing. And with that it appears that you are not even managing the controversy.
First, what kind of Middle School is this, for the behavior is childish, petty and immature.
Second, you need to address the dysfunction pragmatically in how its affecting the bottom line of business for a kumbaya attitude of hoping it will go away won’t work.
Third is this an all woman environment for if so there appears to be an estrogen caddiness that likely won’t subside if all are sweeping it under the rug. This comment is not intended as sexist but a reality check on how women can feed off other women’s emotions, both good and mayhem
You need to develop relationships based on performance- those are the strongest alliances for you offer successes to and for others
You need to deal with the cancer, don’t accommodate it or look the other way hoping tomorrow is different, for that individual is working to oust you; know that!!
Lastly, expose her subtlety, which apparently its not, find a vehicle to expose her and her incompetence without throwing you out with the bath water as well; Identify how this dysfunction does not represent the companies best interest. Otherwise, buy that bag of apples and get a tin cup, for you will be on the street corner begging for nickels
Thanks Don. I hope you come out of your shell…
ah Dan, you have good ideas and concepts but some are so ethereal that the shell must be cracked, broken and cast aside ,for reality says cocooning doesn’t always realize butterflies.
As a CEO with 20 years experience some of that experience has unfortunately been dealing with this type of toxic behavior. For your upward communication, approach your CEO and define the issue in concise nuetral unemotional terms such as “there appears to be some friction between *insert name* and me” (no he said/she said/I said, whining or complaining because you become the person you are having an issue with), assure him or her that you have clarity and confidence that you can manage the situation. Turn to the positive and invest your time sharing the steps that you’re taking to ensure your success in your role and keep the conversation about your positive development. In this you will demonstrate confidence, leadership, that you are aware of the problem, that you are owning it, that you will not make it his or her issue and that you have everything under control.
In your approach with this person, peers, and others demonstrate the same kind of leadership, level-headedness, confidence and desire to help and be better. Be the person that resulted in your promotion in the first place and do not let this derail you. Most of all do not succumb to victimization, gossip, complaining, or other type of equally destructive behavior. Avoid being false or smug, just be your genuine, high performance, happy self it’s that easy it’s also that difficult.
A swan can gracefully glide across the lake because the water that would otherwise sink it, rolls off its back.
Thanks Brad. You articulated something that I was trying to get at but didn’t. Let the CEO know you’re able to manage this. In this way, the CEO is free to do their job. I’m so thankful you shared your insights. I find them very helpful.
Love your use of level-headed and unemotional.
Brad,
Perfectly said! And I love the swan analogy and will be using it in the future! We are all human and even though it’s a work environment sometimes emotions get in the way, and this happens with men too, I’ve witnessed both in my almost 30 years in a corporate world. You have to rise above and do your best, be your genuine self! Again well said.
I believe sitting down with the VP one on one and having a discussion off site if possible to open a dialogue to clear possible views that could be cloudy. Lay your views on the VP that you do your job to your best and if they have constructive criticism you will listen and try to do better. If they chose to attack you because they don’t like you, you may have to dig deeper to clarify what it is they don’t like and try to find a common ground to accept each other as professional in the business and outside of work go your separate ways.
Thanks Tim. I particularly like the idea of go your separate ways outside work. We don’t have to like the people we work with. It helps. But it isn’t necessary.
Thank you for dropping in this morning.
Always with you, somedays prefer to absorb others views!
I like this advice…”Let your performance be your defense. Don’t be defensive. It makes you look weak.”
There is also a mental game we must win, it’s the silent “I’ll get them” game.. for me this is really difficult, because it’s a cancer that steals my joy, erodes my spirit… and I’m very good at hiding it from everyone but the real-me.
Thanks Ken. Your comment is so powerful because of your courageous transparency. Our enjoyment of “getting even” is seen in the popularity of revenge movies. It might be fun to watch on the screen, but as you indicate, it’s deadly in real life.
Thinking about getting even is cancer. You nailed it. Thanks for sharing your insights.
A couple of thoughts:
1 – This IS a “corporate culture thing” and the other people at senior levels must be aware of it and understand the poisonous aspects of this over time. I think the advice that Dan gives is spot-on. If there has been no serious repercussions to this point, and you and your performanance are meeting or exceeding goals and expectations, I would just keep on keeping on and take pleasure in the fact that you are bugging her this much! (grin)
This should pass, or the culture should begin to address it. Stay above the muck as best as you can.
2 – I see Dan Rockwell being called “Dan Landers.” I can see regular column advice taking him far, syndication worldwide. Some cartoons take him into the Dilbert territory and the advice with input takes it into a new place, I think.
There is Great Value in perspective, and Dan Landers’ perspective on these kinds of things is Most Excellent!!
This stuff needs its own blog! Seriously. Do you know how many people could really benefit?
.
Thanks Dr. Scott. I’m glad you bring up culture. After reading the email, I concluded that the culture was sick and “Attacked” needed to navigate this on her own. I hope I’m wrong.
Love your use of “meeting and exceeding goals and expectations.” These types of situations are invitations for people to shoot themselves in the foot!
Thanks for the encouragement re: Dan Landers. It took me a minute to get what you were saying. 🙂 I really enjoy how everyone seems to chime in to offer suggestions.
I really DO think an “advice column” would have a lot of positive benefits and merit its own blog, for research purposes. Imagine the keywords you could use!!! (grin)
It’s been said, but look for the opportunity to address the situation. Playing the game of staying one step ahead of your VP, making sure you dot your i’s and cross your t’s is exhausting and as Dan said is a miserable life and has zero job satisfaction. I would say DON’T get frustrated to the point where you decide to leave. Do all you can to stay and grow through this right where you are at.
Thanks Dean. You remind me that these negative situations can have positive outcomes. I’ve found that the people who irritate me have, in a weird way, made me better. When we cut and run, we miss the opportunity to grow. It’s easier said than done, but worth hearing. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I needed to hear this today – great advice. Thank you
Thanks Rachel. Best for the journey!
A great post Dan, and a truly rich thread of conversation from all who have chimed in…I learn so much and grow from ALL of you.
It sounds like the “grinchy” VP is not feeling like she matters much…maybe there is fertile ground there for building a relationship with her…everyone is carrying a burden we often don’t know anything about.
This is a typical ‘mean girl’ situation and needs to be nipped in the bud or it will explode and sadly that usually means on you, not the mean girl. The sad fact is that humans in groups follow behind the person who seems the strongest. This doesn’t mean don’t do what is listed above – in fact that list is something you should always be doing because it is just good business. Add to that – approach VP and let her know that she was out of line and that her personal issues with you have no business in the business. She will retaliate so be ready to set your boundaries.
And know, while she is attacking you personally this isn’t personal on you. It is all about her.
You can do this.
I just posted #7 on my Facebook page under “Food for Thought”.
It’s a freeing thought!
Been there. Still AM there to some extent. Just about the only way to keep going sometimes is to use your adversary’s behavior to your advantage. The way I look at it, I get a built-in, real-life reminder every day of what I need to avoid – namely gossip and negativity. I know it sounds weird (believe me, because I’m not a glass-full kind of guy,) but I have GRATITUDE for a daily in-person reminder to take the high road. I’ve found that I’ve been more encouraging and more selfless since encountering behavior that is the opposite. I can only control what I can control, after all. So if someone wishes to be adversarial, have at it, man. I’ve so far (knock on wood) been able to turn that into positive enegery serving and encouraging everyone else around me. Hope this helps/makes sense.
Some notes based on my own experiences and my understanding of this scenario:
1. The attacker is most likely, the preppy cheerleader type growing up. Never really had to work for what she got. Most likely the oldest sibling or an only child.
2. She doesn’t really comprehend a hard life.
3. This behavior tells me she feels threatened, and thinks she is losing her seat at the table. She feels vulnerable, so must dethrone you.
4. In this scenario, you are already the better person. Like Dan says, believe in yourself.
5. Just let the scenario play out, and she will reveal herself. Do not yield to this type of behavior. Pretend like it’s not happening.
6. Find an opportunity to do a good deed that makes her look good and don’t take credit for it. It will neutralize her feeling of being threatened and build trust.
7. She won’t be the last. This is a life lesson to help you grow. Just remember, your reaction will only feed her behavior.
Darrin
Great thread. I would like to add no matter how difficult it is focus on a positive aspect of that person and be like the 3 monkeys…hear no evil, speak no evil and see no evil and continue to maintain your integrity and deliver. Your adversary will show her true colors whilst ones professionalism is maintained.
Great advice! When I was a kid, my parents told me to “kill ’em with kindness.” It’s not the easiest lesson to learn – but, definitely the most rewarding! Approach the “mean kids” as a challenge. The reward is to know you have torn down their walls … it’s all worth it. So sad that we must continue to “play this game” into our adulthood, though.