From Presence to Power: 4 Reasons People Bristle When You Show Up
Woody Allen said, “Showing up is 80% of life.” When you want to stay in bed, you get up. You raise your hand when the job is difficult. But there’s more to leadership than showing up.
People reflect the way you show up back to you.
4 reasons people bristle when you show up:
#1. Fixing people feels arrogant.
Nobody wants to be fixed. You can’t improve anyone. People transform themselves. You can participate. Saviors disrespect people’s competence. Rescuers create helplessness.
#2. Giving advice communicates detachment.
People resist your influence when you rush to solve their concern. Curiosity invites connection. Listening shows respect. People think you don’t get it when you offer quick solutions.
#3. Blabbing signals self-absorption.
Dominating conversations alienates people. Over-confidence stifles input. Words feel like manipulation when you don’t listen. Humility ignites innovation.
#4. Driving vision seems pushy.
Drive closes your mind. Your personal agenda creates resistance in others.
Openness precedes alignment.
5 practices that enhance people’s response when you show up:
#1. Show interest in people.
Admiration is a bridge of influence – not their admiration of you – your admiration of them. Write down three things you admire about everyone on your team. Bring those things to mind during interactions.
#2. Like yourself.
You drain people when you’re uncomfortable with yourself. Seeking validation makes you exhausting.
#3. Cheer when others shine.
Commit to notice success more than shortfall. Determine to focus on strength more than weakness.
#4. Practice vulnerability.
We care about Superman because kryptonite makes him weak. Apart from vulnerability Superman is disinteresting. You’re not a superhero. Your frailty makes others matter.
#5. Focus on better.
When the trajectory of improvement is acceptable don’t bring up disappointments. Fuel the fires of progress by honoring consistent wins.
What have you learned about your influence on the way people respond to you when you show up?
Dig deeper:
3 Creative Ways to Cultivate Meaningful Connection
3 Ways Busy Leaders Master Connection
Managers, You’re More Intimidating Than You Think (hbr.org)
This is a great article and can be applied to your everyday life in dealing with people even outside of the office. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Michelle. It seems like leadership principles should apply to real life. 😀
What a great post. I appreciate point #2 under the “bristle” section. Often people want to be heard – not have their problem solved. This is especially problematic when we either 1. don’t let them finish their thought before interrupting to give our “solution” or 2. come up with the “solution” so quickly after their thought has concluded that they can feel belittled because they didn’t solve the issue sooner. Both communicate that one was listening to respond, not to truly hear the other side.
Great post, Dan! TY!
Wonderful point, Josh. We don’t intend to belittle, but a quick mind combined with a busy schedule makes it easy to view people as interruptions. Let’s hurry to the next thing. Just a minute or two can make a big difference. Perhaps one or two questions. Or asking, what do you think?
Cheers.
LOVE this message! Thank you.
My pleasure, BMO.
Dan, Excellent post. I think it would be better though if you switched the order of your main points to say….
Just kidding! You are right fixing people and jumping into advice is like throwing up a wall. To be honest, this is an area where I need to improve my practice. My default, when I’m teaching/coaching (and parenting), I slip into either lecture mode or problem-solving mode. I need to refine how I approach this discussion to try to take people on the journey of learning and critical thinking and not trying to do it for them. In my defense though, sometimes getting the level of engagement to do this can be difficult. I wonder what I can do to improve that… hmmm.
Thanks again for your insights!
Thanks for your reflection, S. You and I share the Mr/Ms fix-it mentality. When I train coaches trying to stifle our inner fixer is one of the first challenges to face.
Leaders who have been fixers often find engagement a challenge. People aren’t used to thinking. They say, “Just tell me what to do.” In a way, they are saying, “You take responsibility.”
It takes time and practice to fix less and enable more. I wish you well on the journey. After many years of coaching, I still need to quiet my inner fixer.
Love this one, Dan! Thank you. It is interesting to me that finding the one thing on my list that I want to change can easily counteract all the others that I don’t do. Thanks for the learning moment!
Thanks for sharing a good word, Robin. It is interesting how one area seems to bleed into others.
Dan – Today’s post is powerful. You gave me insights into why I often alienate rather than inspire. Plus, your recommendations for coping with these challenges inspired me to constructive action, chiefly because I recognized some ways I instinctively already have worked to change. This post guides me in transforming giving advice into sharing wisdom. Especially powerful as I began a 5-year process yesterday of evolving my consulting practice into gradual retirement. In the next phase of my career, I wish to make a difference for clients (and my family and friends) by sharing wisdom rather than peddling advice. Long time since I thanked you for your stalwart work here. Overdue!
Thank you, R.C. Congratulations on finding yourself in the age of the sage. It’s a great place to be. A friend of mine says the skill of enticement is important when it comes to sharing wisdom. How to create a thirst or openness to receive wisdom. Enjoy the process.