Do This Instead of Defensiveness
Suppose everyone loves your spaghetti sauce. Your grandmother brought the recipe from the old country. Your family raves about it. Your friends go back for seconds. But one day your sister’s friend joins the family dinner.
She swallows her first bite and says, “I think this sauce could use more oregano.”
Defensiveness invites rebuttal.
Unexpected criticism invites defensiveness. You do your best at work and the boss suggests minor improvements. Or your sister’s ungrateful friend comes to dinner.
Defending yourself lowers status:
- You should enjoy the sauce and keep your mouth shut except to say thank you.
- Everyone loves my sauce!
- How much spaghetti sauce have you made?
- The oregano is in the cupboard. Help yourself!
Alternatives to defensiveness:
- Express Gratitude: Thank you for your observation.
- Seek Clarity: What makes you say that?
- Pursue Solution: How might I address this issue?
- Listen actively: I hadn’t thought of it that way. Tell me more.
- Ignore it: Pretend you didn’t hear the criticism and change the subject.
Two universal responses when defensiveness rises up:
#1. Pause.
Defensiveness doesn’t defend anyone.
Knee-jerk reactions are seldom useful. The person who says everything on their mind multiplies trouble. You don’t need to express yourself. Pausing slows self-sabotage.
#2. Rely on prepared words.
Wisdom prepares for the inevitable.
Know what to say before discomfort grips you. Preparation enables composure.
When I feel on the spot, my prepared ritual begins, “Thanks for saying that.” I raise my eyebrows. The ritual gives me time. I might add:
- “Tell me more.”
- “Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you.”
- “What brings that to mind for you?”
What are some destructive expressions of defensiveness?
What do you do when you want to defend yourself?
Read: How to Defeat the Subtleties of Defensiveness
8 Behaviors Defensive Leaders Overuse
Hi Dan and all,
As we know the sauce is solid, and all our sister’s friends are a lil bit flakey and also have many food rules, another option is “bless your heart” . Wise guests especially close friends may dare to workshop the cocktails, the newest beer or even the playlist. But we DO. NOT. TRY. TO. GAINSAY. GRANDMAMA.
Naturally and thankfully work is up for discussion 😀
Wish you all a great week,
Cate
Oh my! I need to spend more time in the South. I learned about “Bless your heart” years ago on one of my trips down there. I so appreciate your reminder. Bless you.
“Tell me more” or “What makes you say that?” are two of my ready responses to either criticism or praise. Dan, you’ve taught me that curiosity opens doors, and I can say that defensiveness closes them. As a preacher and teacher I receive both affirmation and criticism. You (and my dad) have helped me open doors to further understanding. But a response of “Oh, yeah? Says you, maybe!” will never move a conversation forward.
I feel the power of, “…curiosity opens doors, defensiveness closes them.” Thanks for sharing. I appreciate the good word.
Love the reminder to pause to thwart self-sabotage. Many times have I regretted speaking up in knee-jerk defensiveness…. but never for taking a pause and asking….”Tell me more about that….” Thanks for this reminder!
I feel your pain, Robin. Me too. I have an internal drive to say something quickly. It seldom serves. Those planned responses really help me. But still, the urge is powerful.
I believe we all have a tendency to get defensive at times. My “episodes” seem to occur most when I am criticized for something I am very confident in or proud of. Thank you for the reminder to pause and hit my reset button. I also like the suggestions to have some prepared statements to help deal with criticisms.
Wow! So true. When I feel like I know – which is far too often – correction offends me. A pause says, “Settle down big boy! Take a breath. Maybe they’re right. You could be wrong.” Yet my prideful voice whispers, “Probably not.”
Great topic. Often the instigator isn’t trying to make you defensive, just adding their bit of unsolicited advice.
There is the quintesential Canadian response “sorry” available.
If it’s a serious rebuke, don’t forget “ouch”! It almost lets you discuss it in the third person.
Thanks, Ian. I’m glad you expanded the scope of this conversation. Our frustration with people might be misplaced. It is a challenged to be “helped” but assuming good intentions might soften the sting a little.
Those Canadians know a thing or two.
I pause to let my brain get ahead of my mouth. Unfortunately my mouth must be working out because it is often faster than my brain. Thanks for the reminders so I can strive to be better.
“… let my brain get ahead of my mouth.” <— Brilliant.
A flapping tongue stokes unwanted fires.