10 Ways to Talk While Listening
Listening is a way of seeing.
Being heard transforms. “When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” Brenda Ueland
When was the last time you felt seen while someone listened to you?l
Novice listeners should practice not talking. Experienced listeners know how to speak while listening.
10 Ways to Talk While Listening
#1. To clarify: “Can I make sure I’m hearing you correctly?”
#2. To paraphrase: “So I hear you saying …”
#3. To express interest: “Tell me more about that,” or “That sounds important.”
#4. To connect: “That must have been tough,” or “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
#5. To be curious: “What happened next,” or “How did that affect you?”
#6. To maintain focus: “Can we go back to what you said earlier about…?”
#7. To slow the conversation: “Let’s pause for a second. This feels important.”
#8. To check conclusions: “It sounds like honesty really matters to you.”
#9. To affirm: “Thanks for saying that.”
#10. To practice humility: “What am I missing?”
Listening Practice
Set aside ten minutes to see with your ears. Don’t evaluate. Seek to understand.
Reflect what you hear. Describe the assumptions forming in your head. Ask, “Is that what you mean?”
Listen to learn about people because people flourish when they feel seen.
Use your ears to see and invite transformation.
What prevents people from using their ears to understand?
What tips for listening might you add?
Challenge yourself: Could You Be a Lousy Listener Without Knowing
Dan, I like all your suggestions. Three tips I would add:
1. Give your full, undivided attention. Eliminate all internal and external distractions. Utilize a personal cue word, such as “listen” or “be present,” to maintain focus on the speaker when your mind wanders.
2. Make eye contact. When speaking or listening, maintain eye contact. When listening, strive to make eye contact 50 to 70 percent of the time. Aim for steady eye contact, especially when the speaker is sharing something personal, important, or emotionally charged.
3. Pay attention to both ideas and emotions. Notice how they feel about what they are saying — it’s often just as important as the words they use.
Thanks for your suggestions, Paul. You reminded me of a tip for people uncomfortable looking people in the eye. Look at a spot on the middle of their forehead, just above their eyes.
Always ask “Is that what you mean?” to confirm understanding. This solves half your communication issues. Also great for marriage.
Thanks, Stephen. It’s surprising how frequently the message I make in my head isn’t the intended message.
It’s hard for me to select which suggestion I like best – they are all wonderful and great ways to promote healthy conversations and honest relationships.
Thanks, Travis. In my case it’s learning plus practice plus lots of time. A few things stick 🙂 Steady on.
just wanted to say thanks for this Dan,
I wrote this down as a little cheat sheet to remember. Love your blog and read it everyday.
Cheat sheets are a great tool…along with sticky notes and iphone reminders. Your good word is encouraging.
It is much easier to do these when the person is right there in front of you. But in today’s world, a lot of conversations are done remotely. You can turn on the camera, but it isn’t quite the same. And since you have to leave the computer on, it is so much easier to get distracted and drift. It’s something I struggle with on a daily basis.
Thanks for bringing this up Jennifer. I recently read an HRB article critiquing hybrid work. They talked about the challenges of video meetings. Please let me know any useful strategies you come up with.
I position the video box for the meeting right below my camera so I can look into the camera while speaking. This makes more meaningful eye contact and allows me quick glances to see the facial response of the others in the conversation. Having a notepad for physical notes is very helpful in keeping me engaged: something to do with my hands, something to focus on if the material or conversation isn’t engaging, and a place to make quick notes about questions I have or points I want to make so I am not tempted to interrupt. Behave like a courtroom attorney!
Powerful tips, Amy. Showing up to watch for things is better than just showing up. Show up with intention. I hadn’t thought of keeping notes on body language. I’m going to try this. Thanks.
Good morning Dan –
One more suggestion to the list of 10. To further seek clarification, and to invite conversation, state:
“Help me to understand…” (how you arrived at that solution, what other options you considered, etc.).
This demonstrates your partnership in the conversation, as well as letting the other person fully explain their thinking or their actions – without judgement, conflict, or shutting the other person down… .
Always great suggestions to start the day. Thanks Dan! Cheers, Cheryl
Wonderful suggestion, Cheryl. Anything to strengthen partnership is helpful. People don’t like feeling they’re out on their own. Thanks for sharing your insight. Cheers!
One of the suggestions I have used to practice Active Listening comes in a challenge form. I challenge individuals to choose someone that they don’t necessarily listen to carefully, (it is usually their child or spouse) and spend the next 7 days purposefully listening to everything they say to you. At the end of that week, they realize how much they typically miss when not actively listening, They also usually hear things they would rather not know! I learned things from my two teenagers that I would have preferred not knowing but I realized exactly what active listening is! Try it . . . !
Powerful challenge, Bonnie. I was thinking a morning. When you said a week, I thought that is a challenge! For me it’s humility to not need to add my two cents.
I grieve. I’m in leadership and coaching roles. I think I’m the world’s WORST listener. I just have to butt in! I feel a compulsion to give “insight”. I must enjoy hearing myself speak more than loving the person I am attempting to hear!
I wish I had an instant recording and feedback for every conversation.
You and most everyone else. I’ve trained many coaches, butting in is almost a universal issue. I just can’t resist sharing my “wisdom.”
Pingback: The importance of listening can’t be exaggerated – Articles & thoughts from Framework Marketing