Dangerous Stories Leaders Tell
The stories you tell shape the emotions you feel.
Emotions can’t distinguish truth from fiction. You feel real fear watching a horror movie. Novels produce sadness, anger, compassion, and joy.
Infuriated
Years ago, my email signature included an Edward de Bono quote: “Those who think they know, don’t.” A director took it personally. He told himself I wrote it specifically for him.
He confronted me. I explained that the quote was on all my emails. We went around the conversation three times before he let it go.
Stories produce real feelings.
We cling to the emotions our fantasies create.
The Mirror
The fantasies we tell about others are about us. We might blame others for our negative feelings, even when our own stories create them.
5 Ways to Rewrite Negative Stories
- Own your interpretation. “I saw what Bill did and told myself he was arrogant.”
- Open your heart to hear another’s story. A negative story closes your heart.
- Audit friction. “What narratives are we telling ourselves that fuel conflict?”
- Default to the best. Choose positive interpretations until proven otherwise.
- Clarify early. Don’t let imagination ferment. Ask questions early.
Be the architect of your perspective, not the victim of your fantasies.
Power tip: Create and explore alternative interpretations.
How might leaders avoid the destructive baggage attached to the stories we tell ourselves?
How to Translate Hot Emotions into Positive Action
From Emotional Triggers to Values-Based Leadership
This is excellent. Open your heart to hear another’s story. That echoes Covey’s first seek to understand… It’s so very possible that the story we tell ourselves is inaccurate and unkind. Sometimes I think the worst of others [but for some reason I always think the best of myself!]. I appreciate this, Dan.
As I told my kids when they were growing up: You are not a superhero, and you don’t have an archnemesis. No one woke up this morning plotting against you, trying to make your life as difficult as possible. In fact, they probably never even thought about you when they woke up. Start from that perspective, and it usually reduces the drama.
This really hit home. The story about the email signature is a perfect example of how quickly we can build an entire narrative that causes real pain, all based on a fantasy. I’ve been on both sides of that situation, and it’s a powerful lesson in humility. The commitment to ‘own your interpretation’ is the first and most difficult step. This is a great framework for taking back control of our emotional responses. Thank you!