You make conflict worse when you …
You make conflict worse when you …
#1. Say calm down. Does anything fire you up more than someone telling you to calm down? You’ve just been invalidated.
Feeling put down makes you want to stand up for yourself.
High emotions combined with adrenaline makes fools of us all.
When emotions are high go for a slow walk with your “adversary.” Don’t talk much; just casually walk around the block. If that doesn’t cool the heat, postpone discussions.
#2. Demand that you’re right. Thinking back over the years I’m saddened by my need to be right. It prolonged conflict and strained relationships.
When you need to be right someone else needs to be wrong.
Put two people that need to be right in a room, close the door and walk away, and you’ll end up with the tip of an ear and the tip of a tail. They’ll devour each other.
Worse yet, demanding to be right is a backward facing exercise in futility that tries to fix history. There is only one sentence that solves past mistakes and offences. “I’m sorry, I won’t do that again.” Better yet, “I’m sorry, here’s what I’ll do to prevent that from happening again.”
Conflict resolution is primarily a forward facing process.
#3. Worry about who started it. Never say, “Who started this problem.” Mom was right when she stepped between me and my brothers and said, “I don’t care who started this fight, I’m finishing it.” When you worry about who started the fight you’ll have a conversation that begins something like this, “He hit me first.”
Rather than assigning blame, assign solutions.
Identify behaviors that build rather than undermine productive relationships, commit to them, and create accountability.
*****
What stupid things do leaders do while trying to solve conflicts?
What are your conflict resolution tips?
Coaches may take sides, overtly expressing that he is in favor of the other as it matches with his belief.
Before attempting to resolve a conflict, the leader must ensure that everyone is calm. The leader must start with recognizing each of something they have done good in the lately not necessarily related to the issue. He must then just throw leading questions that will make both parties realize what is right.
Franelyn,
Thanks for leaving your first comment on Leadership Freak. I love the conversation.
Best to you,
Dan
When my wife would come home from work upset, I used to immediately start trying to help her find ways to solve her problems. But I couldn’t understand why that never made her feel better – she didn’t even seem interested. I thought, “how could you not be interested in making this situation better???”
It wasn’t until I realized that I first had to address the emotional (personal) side and help her feel heard and understood that I could truly help her with any of her frustrations.
When people are fired up and upset, there’s usually a pretty strong set of emotions behind it. Until they feel heard and understood (first!), you’ll have a difficult time dealing with the more practical issues of solving the problem.
Tim,
Nicely said!
Emotions first…solutions after!
Thanks for leaving your own story that illustrates a powerful truth.
Cheers,
Dan
I can’t wait to see Kate’s comments – successful conflict resolution (and advoidance) is the ‘coin of the realm’ for customer service 🙂
What stupid things do leaders do while trying to solve conflicts?
What are your conflict resolution tips?
It’s funny that you posted this with “don’t tell people to calm down” as your #1 tip. Scott Ginsberg’s (www.hellomynameisscott.com) “fill in the blank of the day” on Facebook yesterday was: The best way to calm someone down is by __________.
My immediate response was “telling them to calm down.” It puts my teeth on edge when I hear 911 operators telling people, “Calm down, Sir” (CSR’s too, for that matter).
A couple of less-than-wise (I’ll try to avoid labeling any leader as “stupid” in favor of “in need of development!) actions leaders take when faced with conflict include: 1) avoidance 2) taking either side without having full facts, and 3) settling for an immediate resolution without digging around to figure out what root causes exist among groups of people in case there is a festering issue that will pop back up again eventually.
Gotta get to work so will just throw in quickly one conflict resolution tip – seems like so many responses this week have gotten back to the “basics” but it’s so important for a leader to take into account not just the words being said, but the non verbals and the “undercurrent” of many conflicts – necessary to understanding the full situation and providing good guidance to resolution!
Oops – I misspoke – my response to Scott was “NOT by telling them to calm down.”! Time for the brain to fully engage.
Paula – great information! I must admit that when I read “I’ll try to avoid labeling any leader as “stupid” in favor of “in need of development!” I immediately thought of a quote from that great American philosopher Forrest Gump -“Stupid is as stupid does!”
Ha, Harry, so many moments from Forrest Gump that apply in “regular life”!
Paula,
Thanks for sharing your insights. Great comment and like Harry, I love, “IN NEED OF DEVELOPMENT!” Thats too cool.
Your comment is a blog within a blog.
Best to you,
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read her bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
Love Dan’s post and Tim’s build – trying a rationale solve for an emotional issue is a recipe for disaster.
In case this discussion gets heated, just remember: stay calm, recognize that I’m right, and you started it.
🙂
Mark,
You crack me up!
Best,
Dan
There is an old proverb that says “everyone’s story seems right until the other side is heard” As leaders we need to make sure we get all the information we can from all parties involved before making judgments and decisions. Only listening to one side of the story before making judgments and decisions will lead to disaster. The other mistake I see commonly made is when people judge the thoughts and motivations of another person. Unless the person tells us what their thoughts and motivations are we cannot know them. Making judgments and decisions on assumed thoughts and motivations is inviting disaster
Hi Harry,
Thanks for dropping in and leaving a couple useful suggestions.
Judging motives. I wonder why you are saying that? 😉
I’m currently reading QBQ – The question behind the question. It’s great. The author isn’t real keen on “why” questions. He prefers what and how questions.
Some say working off assumptions makes an an ass out of you and me. Sorry for the cliche.
Cheers,
Dan
Great post, Dan. Conflict is one of the most common sources of energy drain in ministry leadership. I’m glad you highlight it here.
I know of a leader who claims to listen but only when those around him agree with him. Conversation is the arena of competition to him and he must win every match. I have 3 tips for conflict resolutions:
1) Listen
2) Listen
3) Listen
P.S. “Resolution” is a misnomer. We never really resolve conflict with others as long as we’re alive. Just when we think we’ve “resolved” conflict, conflict shows up again and we are unprepared for it. Rather, think in terms of conflict “management”.
P.P.S. Now, Dan, calm down. 🙂
Scott,
1…2….3…..4….5…..6…..7….8……9……10 ahhhh that feels better.
I think I’m calm now. 🙂
Thanks for bringing up the idea of management vs. resolution. I’d like to think we can resolve conflicts and I suppose past ones can be “resolved” but a new one can emerge in a moment.
Your comment on draining energy reminds me a quote from Townsend. “A good manager doesn’t try to eliminate conflict; he tries to keep ti from wasting the energies of his people.” I think that idea fits with your idea of managing vs. resolving.
Best to you,
Dan
I understand conflict can be resolved. But if the resolution causes us to think we’ll never have a run-in with the person ever again, we’ll be negatively impacted. Maybe it’s best described as “Conflict ResolutionS”.
I love the Townsend quote. I also have seen this one:
“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”
Great Stuff Dan! Thanks for the insights and advice. Peace to you, my friend….
Rick,
A good word is always pleasant and helps renew our energy. Thank you.
Best to you,
Rick
Dear Dan,
I agree that ” I am sorry” has great healing power. It actually expresses the power of the person. It shows the person personality. People who unconditionally say sorry are stronger than the one who say sorry conditionally. It is a sign of humility, acceptance and strength. On the other hand, when people don’t easily say sorry are arrogant, full of ego and ignorant too. It is their perceived strength and power but actually it is their weakness that weaken them.
I also believe that one should blame problem and not people. Similarly as you have mentioned one should blame behaviour and not the source. This apporach has strong power to restore relationship and to improve remedy finding behaviour. I think when leaders finger at source, they make it worse. So, finger on problem, behaviours and practices rather than people. When we finger at people, we land up in looking the people in different way but when we focus on problem, we still maintain our relationship and attitude unchanged.
My conflict resolution tips are looing and appearing calm, creating trust and caring the person otherside and even after the worst situation, trying to be good with the person. I am not sure when “When you need to be right someone else needs to be wrong. But When your intuition and conscience say that you are right, it is enough, you need not to make someone wrong. It occurs on healthy ground. On unhealthy ground, you do not need to make someone wrong, even if you think They are wrong. An Arabic horse can not claim that he can run faster than donkeys when he is staying with them because anyhow donkeys will make horse to run slower than them. Why because ground is not proper.
Dear Ajay,
Thanks for a rich comment.
Your comments re: apologizing and personal strength rings true with me. I find my reluctance to apologize is rooted in my own pride and pride is a clear indication of weakness.
Additionally, few things are more destructive to the conflict resolution process than focusing on people rather than observable behaviors.
Best regards,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. His bio is at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
Don’t know if I am being (and others) contrary today or what…
1) Is ‘conflict’ getting a bad rap here?
Part of what I read perhaps between the line is when emotions run high and as Ajay noted, behaviors run contrary,interpersonal conflict can arise as by product. The root issue is not managing emotions and behaviors and having your blinders on tunnel vision.
2) Do we really need to ‘resolve’ conflict?
From many conflicts and discomfort comes the clear need to change, progress, and grow. Nature demonstrates that clearly. From our conflicts, our errors and our missteps, don’t we learn the most?
3) I agree with Scott, conflict is never truly resolved, once conflicted, unless Peabody’s Wayback Machine has been created (oblique reference), the conflict just is and will be a tick mark on a timeline. What we do with what has been conflicted shows the leader’s chops.
If it is interpersonal and not organizational conflict (two separate and sometimes overlapping issues), in a variation on Ajay’s observation, ‘what is my role in the is interaction and am I helping or hindering it toward a healthy resolution?’
Course, when in doubt, I just call in the flying monkeys and they take care of the issue.
My dear obstinate, contradictory friend, 🙂
I just called in the flying monkeys and your comment vanished!
Seriously, thanks for pointing out the benefits of conflict. To jump on your band wagon. Research indicates that moderate levels of conflict can produce positive change. However too much and you get implosion or explosion or both.
As always, I enjoy you and your creative comments.
Best regards to you,
Dan
Doc is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. However if he doesn’t stop being obstinate I may have to put him on probation. :-). You can read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/doc
You can be right, or you can be in a relationship. Choose one.
Tammy,
Thanks… short, sweet, and right on.
Best,
Dan
I work a lot with customers and manage internal projects, so I see a lot of “conflict”. I put it in quotes because often the ones I see are a result of poor communications. I take each person aside and ask “what can you tell me about this?” which allows them to tell me whatever they need to say. Some will vent a bit (which is healthy, and I commiserate that they had a bad day), and then they (or I) get down to the details.
I often find myself asking, “did you tell them that?” because they will say they were busy and forgot, or something changed and they continue on with the same assumptions as the project started out with.
After listening to both sides, I can usually see where things derail. I sit down with each side again, and point out some things they did not do (‘wrong’, only makes things worse) and how they could do things differently. I ask them if they want to get things back on track and move forward. If they seem open to it, I’ll suggest they say they are “sorry things got off track.” It’s a way to move forward that doesn’t imply PERSONAL fault, but acknowledges things went wrong. Every relationship is the responsibility of ALL parties. Working in support, often it was the product I supported, and not me, yet people feel better when an apology is given.
Then we sit everyone down and work through how to communicate better. I guide them how to communicate “bad” news, such as delays, and rather than looking for fault, work together to figure out how to reduce the impact of the problem. I suggest things like giving heads up earlier so the other person has a chance to do so for their team.
I teach that escalating a situation isn’t a bad thing (people sometimes think it makes them look incompetent), but it is a sign of good judgment and that you need more resources than just you.
People often get into “conflict” because they are afraid of how the other person might take it, but having had to deliver bad news to customers often enough, I find that if I am honest, give reasons why things happened (delay from engineering, product management chose not to include a feature in the product), people are usually reasonable. And if I am dealing with a hot headed, unprofessional person, I deliver the news to them, copy their boss, so that cooler heads prevail.
susan.
Dear Dan,
It’s not easy to resolve conflicts and there is no single formula to bring corrections once conflicts arise. Leaders need to understand the root causes of conflicts and understand the affected parties along with their behavior. They should invest their time and efforts to resolve conflicts and do good justice by pointing out the mistakes and blaming the undesired act of the concerned person/s.
Keeping silent, seeking compromise or ignoring conflicts are not the solutions and good leaders will never go with this kind of attitude. They would be concerned since it would affect the overall work environment, the enthusiasm level of affected parties and the spirit of other people in the surrounding.
Most conflicts will never arise if people keep respect of each other, understand the mutual view points, have a broader interest of the organization, community or society that belonged and most importantly forget the ego.
Dear Dr. Asher,
Your observation and points given are simply marvelous. I absolutely agree that leaders should find out root cause and take remedial action. Keeping mouth shut, overlooking repeated occurring unfavorable incidents really affect overall organizational performance especially of deserved ones. Why leaders overlook negative behaviors, attitude and actions. My long observation is that leaders who keep quiet are usually position centric rather than people centric.
I strongly agree that when people respect each other, most of the conflicts will not arise. This will also create trust with each other. It is possible when leader create such impression, message through creating environment. In this sense, it is top down approach.
I am sure you have reflected what you believe and do to your respective organization.
Regards
Ajay
The need to be right is something I fall prey of more often than not. And sometimes it’s not easy to fight. I guess it’s one of those things you learn with experience, but I agree that sometimes one has to step down in order for the conversation to proceed.
It’s not always easy to admit you’re the one who has to, though.