The Leader You Don’t Like Doesn’t Like You Either
It’s likely that at least 50% of the people on your team are unhappy with their jobs. 65% would like a new boss.**
Leaders don’t like the people they lead, either. Have you heard leaders complaining about colleagues, superiors, or employees? Who hasn’t?
People don’t leave organizations, they leave people.
Dislike:
We don’t like each other because we don’t trust each other.
- She throws people under the bus.
- He plays politics and kisses butt.
- They’re in a clique.
5 ways to build strong relationships at work:
- Lower expectations. You don’t have to be best buddies with colleagues to like them. You connect with some and not with others. Don’t fight it.
- Elevate transparency.
- Tell less – Ask more. When was the last time you asked about where they want to go with their career or project?
- Show respect. Stop judging others by your strengths. Respect them for theirs.
- Build positive environments. Don’t begin with, “I’m not happy with our relationship.” Go for a walk and ask, “How might we create an environment where people love to come to work?”
- Describe, illustrate, and commit to the same high impact behaviors.
- Make it normal and nonthreatening to talk about performance. The annual performance review is a colossal waste of time, if it isn’t backed up with daily performance conversations.
- What’s working? What makes that important?
- What can we make better, today? How?
- What’s your team doing that makes you proud?
- Choose to care. We like people who care for us. We don’t like people who don’t like us. It’s a choice to seek another’s best interests.
- Fixate on strengths more than weaknesses. It’s difficult to like someone when all you think about are their weaknesses.
How might leaders build strong work relationships, today?
**Job Satisfaction: 2014 Edition
It’s no wonder then why Gallup reports that over 70% of employees are NOT engaged at work. We need more passion!
Thanks Vince. Glad you pointed to Gallup’s work. I did some casual internet searching on this topic today. The evidence is overwhelming. We have a serious problem.
A dear friend shared the book “Shine: Using brain science to get the best from your people” by Edward M Hallowell, MD. He says that connection is crucial to an endeavor and with another person in order to thrive. He also reflected that we must put our most positive selves forward, note and appreciate others in the most simple and honest ways. Leaders should promote others before they promote themselves which he believes will go a long way to create a more positive climate. AND he cites that having a best friend at work is a major predictor of superior performance. I wholeheartedly agree that choosing to care with a focus on strengths will truly elevate any team. (And ensuring that those strengths are assigned logically to create the best synergy in production. Ya know, ensuring that folks are on the right seat on the bus, putting their strengths forward)
Thanks Sharon. When I think about past projects, failures, and successes. It’s the people I was connected with that first come to mind. The first thing to work on is connecting with the team.
Hi Dan,
I love that you have pointed out people don’t like their leaders and leaders don’t like their people. It is such a 2-way street.
I am also pleased to see you imply that trust is the root cause of what is going on in the relationship. Liking & trusting are not the same thing and trusting your leader and the people with whom you work makes all things possible and goes way beyond simply liking your leader, team members & colleagues.
I often ask my leaders: what can you do today to build trust and create the working alliance you want to have with your people?
Thanks much for your observations,
Cindy Charlton
Thanks Cindy. I’m taking, “Liking and trusting are not the same thing,” to the bank. It’s great when we like each other. It’s devastating when we don’t trust each other.
Talking about performance in a non-threatening way is key. When things go wrong, I regularly ask the questions about how can we make things better next time? What did we learn? These are key to improving the team, and getting the team members involved in the solution process.
Thanks Jay. If we can’t have these conversations in constructive ways, we’re bound to keep having them. In addition, I think we doom ourselves to mediocrity.
Dan, there are so many things to love in this post. I wonder what would happen if every company tore down their mission statements and replaced it with what you wrote here?
If we all only remembered “Show respect. Stop judging others by your strengths. Respect them for theirs.” I wonder how much conflict would be dramatically improved?
Thanks Alan. Wow! My head is swelling. Seriously, it’s not deep, is it?
Thanks for the encouragement and consistent participation.
Alan, I so agree that “Show respect . . . ” and respecting others for their strengths rather than comparing them to ours can be a powerful approach in work relationships.
Alan, Dan’s statement reminds me of the statement “We judge ourselves by our intention and others by their actions.” I believe Stephen R. Covey is either the author of that statement or popularized it.
Dan, what you write each time falls into the category of “Simple but not easy” in terms of being or doing.
My son-in-law asked me today why companies don’t pay more attention to keeping good employees from leaving. I told him it’s because it’s easier for them to hire new people than to do the “simple” things to improve what needs improved. What they need to do isn’t complicated; it’s just not as easy as hiring new people whenever needed. Where are the leaders! (Said with great appreciation and respect for the great ones we have.)
Thanks Alan. Yes, there is a deceptive hope that simple is easy. If it was, we’d be doing a lot more simple things. 🙂
Dan, I have heard the statement over the years that people leave people, not organizations, yet in a research meeting I was in several years ago we were told of research that indicates that is not completely accurate. I did a quick Google check and found http://blog.cultureamp.com/its-about-development-opportunities/ which indicates at least one other factor creates a larger reason for people leaving. As is so typical in surveys, people who don’t know research factors put together what appears to them to be a very non-biased survey. But, in fact it can be very biased based on the questions asked and the questions not asked. In the above article it addresses this aspect. Now, please note that I do not disagree with the challenge of losing good people for whatever reason. And, we constantly have to be asking ourselves what are we doing right and what can we do better. Regardless though, the complexity of the number of variables is huge and challenging to say the least. But we need to keep working on it. Performance is important, but creating an environment of trust is the foundation. Thanks for making us think about what we individually can do to create a great setting for work.
Thanks Alan. My reading supports your assertion that development opportunities are essential to keeping great people. The younger they are the more important it becomes. Glad you extended the conversation.
The power of relationship building can be underestimated.
Thanks Wayne. Absolutely.
Echo the performance review thing. As it has become decoupled from pay and progress (as it has in many organisations), it serves no useful purpose. “What do we both need to do more/less/different TODAY?” is the question.
Respect is key.Without it there is no positive side to the relationship. Problem arises when people repeatedly hear that it ISN’T their project, it’s the the organisation’s project, and that people’s career direction/progression is not the company’s “problem”. Far too many espouse Stalin’s view that “loyalty is a disease of dogs”.
Thanks Mitch. I start to feel the importance and power of connecting as I read you insights. People to connect with organizations and organizations to connect with people. As you say, respect is key.
I believe I would be a great boss. Been through some that sucked and some that were good. It’s all about how you would want to be treated.
Hi Dan, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve commented but I just had to say that in my case, trying to be a leader in the religious field in which I’ve been trained (Mdiv), I found that it is the men who don’t like me. The women gravitate to me. My mother said jokingly “that is probably why the men don’t like you.” But I find it difficult to lead men. I prefer to lead women are children. Now, I know that to be a leader of people this include men too. But, I am going on 60 and all my young life women seem to like and follow me. I have left positions in a church because of the opposition from men, especially men ministries. When I read some of your postings it makes be feel as if I gave up and didn’t really understand what I should have done to hang in there as a true leader. Just saying how I have been feeling reading some of your post. But I love them. I just feel defeated when I apply them to my situation. Keep up the good work. Plato