Solution Saturday: The Question I Should Hear
“How can I deal with a bad boss?” The question usually suggests a desire to changing them. I wish more people asked, “How can I connect with the boss?” (Regardless of whether they are bad or good.)
An adversarial relationship with the boss hurts you more than them.
Performance matters, but connection tips the scales when it comes to getting ahead.
The person with power controls the way you relate to them. Adapt to the boss. Resist this principle to your own peril.
Learn to connect with your boss, forget about changing them.
12 ways to connect with the boss:
- Amp down ambition. Talk about passion to contribute, more than drive for promotion.
- Express a viewpoint and offer alternatives. Don’t just go along.
- Have passion with openness. Advocate clearly, but don’t paint yourself or others into a corner. Support decisions that weren’t your first choice.
- Strengthen relationships in the office. Energy spent in conflict resolution is necessary, but it often frustrates the boss.
- Understand and embrace organizational mission and vision.
- Earn it. Don’t ask for favors. Earn opportunities to serve.
- Prove it. Seize and succeed with small opportunities. Entitlement offends your boss.
- Shine the light on others when you win.
- Own it. Fix it. Don’t blame.
- Focus on their strengths. All bosses have faults. Give compliments but don’t brown-nose. Honor the boss’s strengths and achievements during private conversations.
- Say thank you when you receive feedback.
- Avoid defensiveness.
- Exemplify humility.
- Identify desired behaviors.
- Move forward.
- If you must leave, leave on good terms.
Bonus: Acknowledge faults, but don’t be needy.
Choose connection over affection.
It doesn’t matter if you like your boss – apart from your performance – no one has more influence over your career.
How do people create unintended adversarial relationships with the boss?
How might team members connect with the boss?
Great post Dan!
Best,
-g.
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Thanks Giorgio!
We all have bosses even if we are the owner of the company. A supervisor who thinks he/she has made it to the top and answer to no one has already failed. I learned on day one in the Army it does not matter if you like or respect your leader you do what you are told anyway. We have all learned since then that is not an effective way to lead. The younger generation requires a leader to earn their respect. Often older supervisors assume that they have that respect just based off of their job title or collar brass. A person who has learned the skills necessary to be able develop a good relationship with their boss can use those same skill to develop respect and loyalty from their employees.
Thanks Walter. I love how you re-frame these ideas to apply to a leaders opportunity to develop respect and loyalty from employees.
My observations and reading support your comment that the younger generation looks for leaders to earn the right to lead. It’s a good thing, if you ask me. 🙂
Dan, there’s so much great advice here. What you say here sets the tone for everything else: “The person with power controls the way you relate to them. Adapt to the boss. Resist this principle to your own peril.”
Here’s a guest blog post I wrote a week ago that deals specifically with improving communication with a boss who doesn’t “get” you: http://www.womenworking.com/get-same-page-someone-who-doesn%E2%80%99t-get-you
Thanks Alan. I think we feel uncomfortable with the idea that the person with power controls the way we relate to them. But, the person who gives permission is the person with power.
Thanks for extending the conversation.
Happy Solution Saturday to ya Danny-Boy;
Great topic. There are so many reasons to “Connect with the Boss”. Better understanding of their personal philosophy and vision, familiar yourself with their particular talents and skill set’s, and then find a way to blend your talents ‘so you both’ bring added value to your organization.
Now if there’s a bit of ‘Friction’ currently between the two of you, ( G O O D L U C K ). Things may never get better. “However, there is hope.” That glimmer of Hope lie’s in the word ‘Change’.
In this circumstance the change most likely must come from you. Besides, their the Boss, they’ll change if they want to & won’t if they don’t.
So, how important is it for you to make this connection? How far are you willing to go? Will you sacrifice values or moral character to make a connection? All worthy questions to ponder. But if your end goal is to provide added value to your organization, but that added value is contingent upon ‘making the Connection’, then the most important question you may want to ask yourself is,
“am I willing to look for employment elsewhere???”
Cheers Dan
SGT Steve
P.S. Just got around to reading yesterday’s, “Atta-Boy Mr. Man!!!”
Thanks SGT. Glad you pushed the topic to values and character. It’s not worth it to lose yourself to connect with the boss.
Thanks for the good word.
Dan, The sign of a great post is that it not only gets read, but stimulates the reader to think/ reflect, and write a reply. So thanks again for a great post.
I re-read your post and it dawned on me that, with a little tweaking, the opposite also holds true. That is, when you substitute “employee/ team member” for “boss.”
Thanks again.
Hi Mark;
You are absolutely right. If it’s not the insights Dan graciously shares with us each day, it’s that one thought provoking comment that stimulates us to rethink our convictions and maybe even indulge in some necessary self-evaluation.
Each time I read, I grow…
SGT Steve
Dear Dan, Wonderful advise, This kind of advise I could have got five years back, I am the hard learner , bosses should always be respected at least shown irrespective of their strength and weaknesses. Everyone loves being appreciated and bosses are no exception. You have rightly mentioned that we should seize the opportunities and earn respect and should not offend us.
I have had two “bad boss” experiences in my career. It was rough for me both personally and professionally. Connecting with them was very tough, as I was just as stubborn in some areas. Our leadership styles were very much at odds, and there was a reluctance to change on both sides. Ultimately, I decided that the best thing was for me to leave that organization. That was a tough decision, but one I would absolutely make again.
It all depends on what you are willing to give-up. Very much like Steve noted, you should never compromise your your values, character or convictions for anyone or anything. If that is the price for getting along then, forget it and move on. However, if the relationship with your boss does not involve those three things, then by all means do what you can to establish a good working relationship to the best of your ability.
Hello Brent;
Thanks for the kind words. Much is required of todays Leader in order to take their people and organizations higher in todays winner take all, do or die marketplace..
As I read your response I’m reminded of the following Quote; “To whom much is given, much is expected.” Leaders are givers, they give their experience and knowledge, they give vast amounts of their personal time that others do not, and they give direction and advice to potential future leaders. However as you stated so clearly, you should never be required to (Give-up) values and convictions which are the foundations of our unique Character.
“Keep on Keep’n on Pardner!”
SGT Steve
Great post today Dan. It had me clicking through my relationship with my boss! I didn’t do too bad but there are certainly some things to work on!
I’d add one to your list to make it a lucky 13!
Know what your boss’s subconscious drivers are, and then adapt your language to them. This isn’t easy as he/she may not know, and you certainly can’t ask. Look for patterns. A past boss’s patterns suggested a deep need to help, largely indicated that nothing presented to him passed by without s suggestion for improvement. My relationship with him improved as I started requests with “I’d like your help …” and closed off discussion with “thanks that was helpful “.
Dan,
Great post! thanks!
I’ve never had a bad boss. I’ve had a leader or two who had a bad day (outside of the office), but that did not change my attitude toward such leaders. Relationships are about give and take. With business relationships, the attitude must always be to make allowances in any given situation, And then, to continue to do your best work. If there is a need to later discuss a certain snaffu, wait for the right moment to do so. Business is mostly a “chain of command” institution. Sometimes interlopers will get in between you and your leader, only to blow things out of proportion, which will often create unnecessary friction..Intended or not, let the interference go. Never forget who signs your paycheck. That is who you must work things out with….
Dan, a good post, Thanks
I have never seen a unit growing with the culture of bossism as the system grows by the leaders only. Never treat your supervisor your boss as it is you who create the culture of bossism. Be a leader and be guided by a leader only . Thats it