4 Ways to Get the Most From a Dangerous Emotion
Anger is fascinating, not because it’s good, because it’s useful.
“Managing anger effectively motivates individuals to adopt effective assertive skills and leads to an increase in life expectancy.”*
You can’t deal with something you deny.
Denying anger is a frustrating attempt at self-deception through redefinition. It’s not politically correct to say, “I’m angry.” You’re allowed to feel irritation, agitation, or frustration. But not anger.
Anger isn’t the issue. How you deal with anger is the issue.
Remarkable leaders learn how to navigate anger.
Explosive anger:
In my younger days I threw tantrums. I guess that makes me like Steve Jobs. (Sarcasm intended.)
Some expressions of anger are evil. Hitting your spouse in anger is evil. Throwing things in anger is out of the question. Self-control is a necessary virtue.
Warning: Persistent anger damages health, relationships, and potential.
Get the most from anger:
#1. Identify things within your control.
You’re often angry at things outside your control. But successful leaders focus their attention and energy on things within their control.
Anger is an opportunity to define constructive action.
#2. Develop problem-solving skills.
Persistent anger points to poor problem-solving skills. What nagging problem do you need to address?
Warning: You’re more likely to have a heart attack if you don’t learn to manage anger.
#3. Find courage to act.
Use anger as motivation to act. In extreme cases, an abused spouse finds courage to get out of the relationship.
When you feel angry ask, “What do I need to do?”
Don’t stew – do.
Tip: Wait an hour before you act.
#4. Turn anger into compassion.
You might feel angry about company layoffs.
Use anger to see the world through the lens of others.
During layoffs people feel anxious. How might you turn toward others with kindness?
What are the dangers of anger?
How might anger be useful?
*Added resource: The Effects of Anger on the Brain and Body
A really important topic — whether for work or personal life. Some of us grew up being told “Don’t get angry” — but didn’t get the next part about what to do with the anger. I’ve come to see that while we may not always be able to handle each occasion that makes us angry in the best possible way, it’s always good to have trusted others to review and discuss how to handle similar situations in the future. I think the key is the advice: “Do”. Anger is bad enough, but anger with a sense of powerlessness is 100x worse. Find the action that allows you to move forward – with a guiding principle that you want the other to move along with you. Resist the urge to have them fail. Go for a meaningful success.
Thanks Mary Ellen. Your addition of having “trusted others,” is so powerful. We go further together than we do alone.
Be angry in the “best possible way.” That’s so helpful. Anger shows us what we don’t like and don’t want. Leveraging it as a launching pad for constructive action makes it useful.
It is critical that we distinguish between frustration and anger … between defensive and offensive behaviour … between constructive and destructive results.
Navigating denial is dealing with anger’s potential (violence, in particular) while holding steady despite spiking internals … your projections are not my denials;
In fact, my denials are not allowing you to MAKE it personal, despite your intent to make it so …
How do you FEEL?
Managing FRUSTRATION effectively leads to adapting DIRECTLY to the threat (both perceived and real) and promotes a full appreciation of our lives (experience).
Do your best, take nothing personally, assume nothing, and speak without judgment … it lowers other’s frustration of us.
Years ago, Harper Magazine commissioned different ad agencies to develop a one-page ad for each of the deadly sins. For anger, they had a photo of Hitler and of Kent State, with the tag line “The only emotion powerful enough to start a war . . . and to stop one.”
Thanks Jennifer. Boy does that produce conflicting emotion and capture the challenge of navigating anger.
Anger use to be my go to reaction to anything that I could not control. My next option was denial, not sure what one was less productive but both were failures. First and upmost is you must already have identified rules of behavior. Physical or emotional loss of control is never allowed. This only works if you already have the respect and the trust of your employees for them to want to stay inside of those limits. Without that all you have is just have ink on paper. That only works if you are training a animal and you roll up the news paper. The next is as a leader you must set the example and it needs to be above your expectation of your employees. The old school idea of “do what I say not what I do” does not and never has worked.
There is opportunity in this situation. When an employee is angry, often any walls that they have are down. It is a good opportunity to find out what is really bothering the employee. Very often it is not the issue that it appears to be. Rarely does an employee completely lose it over the employer making some small change in the break room or a policy change that does not really matter.
What are the dangers of anger? Anger causes one to be emotional state which means one can becomes irrational. Being in an irrational state causes irrational thinking and logic goes through the window. In addition, health is impacted as constant anger can cause blood pressure to rise, makes the blood acidic causing inflammation in the body.
Thanks for the post Dan. I specifically looked for one like this when I saw you had an anger category.
Since I was a very young man, I have dealt with off/on anger issues. These issues were really fairly mild and I do not have much trouble controlling things now. However, when I was younger that was a different story. Your post is very helpful as I was wondering about how to use this negative emotion in a better way. I found your four points to be beneficial. You are right that anger is often directed at things outside my control and problems that remain unsolved. I think that using constructive action instead of anger is good advice. I especially like the notions of turning anger into compassion and using it for action. I think I have been the most successful when I turn my anger towards an issue into an action to solve the problem. Too often when I struggle with anger it is because of rumination. You are right on point with that one.
Anger is dangerous for many reasons but one consequence that is especially significant is loss of respect. I think as a leader this is important to remember. If you have spent a lot of time cultivating a reputation as a leader, you do not want to throw it away due to anger. Influence can be lost quickly if you act foolishly and become disrespected.
Anger can be useful when the emotion is channeled into appropriate productivity. I say appropriate because not all productivity from emotion is appropriate. One can be angry and want to do something about it, but the decision made in haste may well be foolish. Your tip to wait an hour is well taken. Anger can also be useful when you stop to reflect on why something may be provoking this emotion in you. I have found that trying to understand why someone or something is causing me to be angry can provide insights into myself, but it can also help me understand others better. I think this is when anger is turned into compassion, as per point #4.
Thank you again for this post Dan. Of all that I have read this has been the most helpful for me on a personal level.