The Big Mouth Problem
You’re less likely to say something stupid if you listen more and speak less.
Leaders need big ears and small mouths.
Warnings and wisdom:
Fools plug their ears and press forward into disaster, but listening is the beginning of learning.
Those who don’t listen can’t learn. John F. Kennedy said, “…leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.” (jfklibrary.org)
Transformation begins with listening.
Wisdom seems stupid to closed minds.
The usefulness of wisdom emerges AFTER you act wisely. Advice to ‘listen more and talk less,’ sounds foolish until you shut your mouth and practice listening. For example…
When you feel a need to get something off your chest, keep your mouth shut.
The result of not listening is worse than the pain of listening.
The ONE guideline for speaking is simple. Open your mouth to make things better.
5 powers of listening:
#1. Elevate status. Listening to others makes them feel important. Those who feel insignificant are less likely to make significant contribution.
#2. Increase energy. You never get the best from others when you close them down.
#3. Extend validation. The difference between validation and agreement is listening. You don’t have to agree with everyone, but skillful leaders validate with listening.
People don’t need agreement, they need to feel heard.
It’s more important to listen than it is to give people what they want.
#4. Strengthen connection. You can’t influence those who feel misunderstood.
#5. Express care. Leaders who don’t listen don’t care.
3 listening tips:
#1. Listen to understand. Even the great speakers like Winston Churchill and Martin Luther King Jr. understood people.
#2. Listen to understand hopes, goals, emotion, and dreams.
#3. Listen like you’re listening to a young child. What do you do while listening to a two-year old? Do that with adults. (Yes, tone it down some, but give it a try.)
What listening tips do you have for leaders?
Bonus material:
17 Reasons People Aren’t Listening to You (Inc)
Being Heard is the Psychological Equivalent of Air (PT)
Dan—
Your comments relate to a key takeaway from coaching training I received a few years ago—Change doesn’t come because of what ghe Coach says but based on the words spoken by the client. Only The Client’s words have transformational power. For me, That is another great motivation for listening to their words!! Thanks again Dan for enriching us with more of the good stuff!!—Scott
Thanks Scott. Something happens when someone listens to us talk. We take our own words more seriously, for example.
It seems that the things we say in our own hearing have the power to change us. We need to add that words without action bring disappointment and frustration.
Another great post! I would add that it helps to listen and then show/check with the person that you have understood them correctly. Even if you don’t agree or can’t given them what you want, active listening (which includes checking with them that you heard correctly) is powerful. Thanks, Dan.
Thanks Katell. A simple, “This is what I hear you saying,” goes a long way to enhance understanding.
But active listening alone can be infuriatingly mechanical. Without empathy, without leaning in emotionally and without genuine curiosity and trust the listener will never gain traction … or be in a position to ask the right questions at the right time that generate deeper listening and from there significant changes in momentum and motivation!
I totally agree! You summed it up beautifully. I’m a therapist and, therefore, biased, but empathy is the secret super power for a leader, IMHO.
Yes, me too, Katell … and as we know ‘relationship is the cornerstone of therapy! I like your ’empathy is the secret super power’!!
You are so right tooarbie. Empathy makes listening feel real and human. I suppose we should add that empathy isn’t about feeling sorry for someone. It’s about understanding their feelings…entering into their feelings.
Important differentiation! not feeling ‘for’ but feeling ‘with’. Being able to step in (and out) of that emotional space. Not get lost in it.
Thanks for a great post Dan, he says having excitingly discovered he can post with his FB account and be like a real human with a name! (What is a ‘tooarbie’??)
Hey David. Love the difference between feeling for and feeling with. That’s simple and powerful.
Listening is the foundation of communication and leadership. Leaders who listen extend their influence beyond the people present as they gain a reputation as a listener and that’s a great legacy.
Thanks McSteve. I hadn’t thought about the power of reputation, but if you were choosing a leader, would you choose one with a reputation of listening more and talking less OR talking more and listening less.
Listening is hard work. Being totally present and giving the speaker your full, undivided attention isn’t easy.
Here’s my tip create a word or phrase that you can say to yourself as a reminder to fully listen.
I use–“Focus–be present.”
Thanks Paul. Anyone who has dipped their toe into listening realize how short their attention span is. It’s crazy short. That’s one reason listening is hard work. You have to keep coming back to the person because your mind wanders.
You idea of giving yourself a reminder makes sense to me. We have the ability to pay attention to others and pay attention to ourselves at the same time. I think most of the attention goes to the other and a small portion of our attention goes toward self.
Unfortunately, we live in reactionary response personal and business cultures. Even the reported “News” is more of a reactionary response than an evidentiary or fact base reporting platform. Why? Because the News is competitive and employs the shock appeal to get attention and ratings.
This carries over to viewers of television, and many have adopted the shock and incomplete messages of events, personalities and more. Society is inundated with emoji’s, GIF’s and #(hashtags) to get the attention of others through written or displayed communications. This same of similar behavior carries over into face to face dialog, through short attention spans.
Lastly, today’s society has ventured away from RESPECT for others, by talking OVER others and more.
Thanks Gregory. Your insights about the impact of media on our day-to-day lives makes sense.
The thing that speaks most deeply to me is listening is an act of respect for others. This suggests that not listening is disrespect.
Leaders should do more than listen. Leaders should perfect the art of “active listening.” You would be surprised what you will hear when you hone in on someone else’s words. Everyone’s voice within an organization should be heard. Loud and clear at that. After all, that is the reason many organizations have “suggestion boxes.” Leaders can never tell when or where that next great idea will come from.
Thanks ZK. Your last sentence gives listening a sense of adventure. 🙂
Seek to listen to understand and be understood.
Thanks Gerry. I think Covey said, Seek first to understand, then to be understood. It’s one of those ideas that’s easy to say, but hard to do.
1 step back (to listen), 2 steps forward (to emphatize then to get the message across)
Could you give me an example of a decision they must make when trying to solve these problems? How can they contribute to a workplace where people actually listen to each other. Especially leaders/managers to their employees.
Hi rbc. I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but here are a couple imperfect ideas.
Contribute to a workplace where people listen by:
Asking questions.
Ask people to interact with what others have said. For example, “Mary, what comes to mind for you, after hearing what Bob just said?”
You might have conversations about the power of listening.
You might commit to ask two questions before making one statement.
Hope that helps.