So How Can I Start to Become a More Emotionally Intelligent Leader?
I love hosting book giveaways!
20 copies of, “Emotional Intelligence for dummies,” are available!!
Leave a comment on this guest post by Dr. Steven Stein to become eligible for one of 20 complimentary copies of his book, Emotional Intelligence for Dummies.
Deadline for eligibility is 05/25/2023. International winners will receive electronic version.
Emotionally intelligent leaders know how to win the hearts and minds of people.
To be an effective leader, you need to know how to get people to change their behavior. Motivation and readiness to practice are pivotal for individuals to successfully enact change.
Emotionally intelligent behavior involves knowing how to strike the right balance between social and emotional relationships. Emotional intelligence isn’t about being nice to people. It includes recognizing another person’s perspective and using your emotions effectively.
Being a leader means having one or more followers. If you want to lead others, you have to know how to get their attention, set clear objectives for what you expect from them, and monitor their performance.
Here are a few things you can do to become an emotionally intelligent leader.
- Pay attention to the people with whom you work.
- Learn more about their interests.
- Reflect on your interpretation of what others tell you to ensure that you’ve captured the other person’s concerns accurately.
- Check whether you accurately reflect the other person’s feelings after they express them to you.
- Show others that you are interested in them, their family, and their interests.
- Avoid trying to make yourself the center of attention.
Emotions can help you think as well as help focus your attention and guide you when you’re solving problems.
Which of the above practices help you become more emotionally intelligent?
Which of the above practices would help your leader become more emotionally intelligent?
Dr. Steven Stein is a world-renowned clinical psychologist, international best-selling author, sought-after speaker, and founder and Executive Chair of Multi-Health Systems (MHS), a publisher of scientifically validated assessments for over 40 years. His most recently published books include Emotional Intelligence for Dummies and Hardiness: Making Stress Work for You to Achieve Your Life Goals. You can learn more about Dr. Stein on his website.
Emotional Intelligence is critical for new leaders as they learn the ropes of leadership skills and mentoring their delegates. We all can grow at every stage of our careers as leaders and also a periodic check up to assure we’re still emotionally intelligent in our practices is key as well.
Charles
Just like good sound in a concert hall – EQ and EI helps everything to be more pleasing to the ear and the other persons emotions!
This subject has been by far the most beneficial thing I have learned and practiced over my leadership journey. It should be a continual education and reminder for anyone, in any position, because successfully practicing these concepts will enhance every relationship in your life.
I started one on one meetings this month and I feel this will help me learn more about the team I am leading and show them that I am interested in not just their work performance but interested in them as individuals personally.
I am looking forward to reading this with my team! This may be the most critical skill set any leader can possess. I’ve seen first-hand how Emotional Intelligence is the excellent difference-maker between successful staff leaders and those whose impact is marginal. Knowledge can be acquired. Systems can be created. Competency can be learned. But the ability to humbly and accurately assess one’s emotions and master the self-control and awareness to manage responses and reactions to serve others best is, unfortunately, a rare commodity. Some have the natural ability to do this better than others, but that leaves those lacking in Emotional intelligence with a frustrating, ambiguous path forward. This book seems to be a solution to that gap, and I’m hopeful it’ll strengthen my abilities and become a widely used resource for all my staff members and the volunteers they serve and lead!
Great post. Makes me want to read more.
EQ is more important now than ever and will only continue to be a bigger part of leadership.
This is a great post. I particularly like the part about accurately reflecting the other person’s feelings after they express them–active listening, learning about others, caring for others all play into reflecting, being a mirroring back. By knowing about others and caring for them, we inspire them and by inspiring them, we arouse in them a deep desire to be the best person they can be.
I wonder how becoming “emotionally intelligent” on a personal level with a direct report impacts them, their love for their job, and their performance? Does it fit in the adage “people don’t care how much you know til they know how much you care”?
That’s a great question, Mike. One quick thought. An emotionally intelligent leader notices if people are introverts or extroverts and communicates with that in mind.
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” is a big part of this. A person who lacks emotional intelligence might care, but it’s frustrating to show care in a way that doesn’t work with a person.
In life, in leadership, and in business the ability to self regulate and maintain an even temperament is priceless. It draws people closer to you and gives an impression without having to say a word.
EQ should be an ongoing topic for leaders of all levels. For myself I tend to go in waves with how well I’m practicing my EQ and I’m working each day to become more consistent. Great topic that never disappoints!
Many leaders struggle with the balance between humility and confidence. I hope to read this book over the summer.
EQ is obviously the most essential skill for any effective leadership. Great emphasis Dan, as usual.
“recognizing another person’s perspective and using your emotions effectively. ”
This point resonates with me.. Using emotions are seen through words, tonality and associated body language.. Thanks Dan.
I feel it is more important than ever before to have a high EI. With so much “hate” and “my opinion or you are completely wrong” ways of thinking, EI is where we can recognize the hundreds of other ways we “connect” and can solve problems/drive opportunities while seeing through other peoples’ lens. It will be a great read
I enjoy reading these daily posts. Not only do I apply these leadership skills and techniques to my professional life, I also find inspiration when dealing with people in my personal life as well.
i NEED more Emotional Intelligence. This area is so very important and rarely taught. Thanks for providing this valuable resource.
Dave
“Avoid trying to make yourself the center of attention” – should be a huge take away for many leaders.
EI seems to be the basic ingredient needed to truly help develop a strong team. Many leaders focus on the numbers, efficiency, squeezing costs and profit…but without support and teamwork (family), the formula cannot work long term…EI is the secret sauce in my opinion…would love to read more.
I would like to enter the raffle for the book.
Now THIS is a book I need! I’m always looking for ways to connect to my team, as a lot of them are resistant to change and I am ever on the search for that middle ground.
Hi Dan,
I never make a decision when I’m in my emotions. I found that circling back to an issue or challenge after I have I clear understanding of it produces better results. I’m able to react and respond more professionally at work and in my private life.
Thank you
Marvin Yeager
Emotional intelligence is essential for leadership. Top down drives the health of a team and it is very evident when it is not lead with this competency.
An interesting topic to understand and learn to possess EQ in our daily professional and personal lives. I am in support of ‘”Checking whether you accurately reflect the other person’s feelings after they express them to you”. This is how you care for others feelings and start caring for them. Relationships do improve and warmeth feelings emerge to ensure productive outcome.
While reading this I was reminded of the importance of listening. Truly hearing others. That is the oxygen for EQ’s fire, IMHO.
Emotional intelligence is so important in both our professional and personal lives. Hoping I can get a copy!
I like to think I’m good at this, and just yesterday received a comment that I looked/acted frustrated the other day in a situation where it would have been best to not appear that way. It’s an area where we must maintain focus and let ‘go to sleep’ on ourselves.
Points 3 and 4 are so important. In a world where we communicate a lot via text, we can often misinterpret the tone of a message. It seems to me that those with high EQ can interpret the tone in written text more eloquently. I’m curious if there is any insight into this.
Point 5 resonates with me. When others reach out to me to follow up on something that I have said in the past, such as how my daughter’s soccer game went over the weekend, I am always so impressed. It makes me feel valued and seen. I try to do this as well to others and will sometimes jot myself a note to remember to reach back out someone to follow-up on something they had mentioned in a prior conversation.
These are great tips I often have to remind myself of everyday. Emotional intelligence is so important in creating a safe space for team members to feel like they can be successful. This article came at such a great time as I am onboarding a new team member for the first time in over a year.
Great post! Would love to read the book.
This is a great topic. When your company is going through big changes that could affect the lives of the people you work with, it’s difficult to remember that as a leader, you still need to be positive and motivating. I think focusing on EI as opposed to employment changes, would help to create stronger people, regardless of the end result. Someone will always remember the leader who helped them through uncertain situations.
Looks like an excellent resource. Could be really useful as I prepare for an upcoming EI Day with leaders in Brighton
My organization has several management openings, mostly due to retirement. As we work on designing a workshop for new and/or aspiring managers, the human side of management is probably more critical than the technical. The technical pieces are much easier to teach, but EI truly influences a work culture for all.
There are so many gold nuggets in your brief summary of Dr. Stein’s important book Dan! As a new leader, I believe that Emotional Intelligence is the “secret sauce” that differentiates a true leader from a manager! Thanks for sharing!
Great topic, especially in our current environs. The points are good. I would love to read the book. If I am stressed or deeply focused on something, I don’t always respond as I truly want to or need to.
This looks like a great book. I’m excited to read it.
One thing I try to do as an emotionally intelligent leader is ask questions to stop me from rushing to judgements. When I find out more about a situation I can make more informed decisions
So important to strengthen our EI with the crustiness of our environment. I like to take the time to talk to my direct reports about home, interests, opinions or even just what show they are watching now. Not only does it give them a break from the day, but it also relieves the pressure from me. Makes for a healthier workplace.
Strengthening emotional intelligence is essential to managing healthy relationships and making quality decisions.
One thing that I have really focused on as a leader over the years is finding the right balance between showing my team that I’m interested in them and getting the job done. It can be very difficult to shift from the personal conversation about what happened over the weekend to the, “OK, we are really here to work”, but that’s what a leader is there for. I would absolutely love to read this book and gain more insight about how an emotionally intelligent leader navigates this balance.
Its also good to remember to actually care about others. They can easily spot those that are faking it…
Glad to see these books readily available. Wish they’d been around 30 years ago . . .
In the competitive environment of a large organization, although educational, it is important to value the internal customer service needed. It’s only through emotional intelligence that we can interrelate and cooperate successfully enough to provide the external customer service required. Emotional Intelligence is the way we interface and meet each other’s needs. A book like this is valuable!
I loved this post. Listening is intentional. Communicating you are listening is key. If we all did this we would be exceptional leaders. We have our teams practice listening to each other for 6 minutes each using listening communication skills. It is surprising how encouraged the speaking person is after 6 minutes of being listened to!
Thank God for emotional intelligence! It’s the one skill set that has helped me thrive in a turbulent leadership period of my work life. I have used it to empower my direct reports to develop their own solutions and strengthen effective communication.
Now this tickled my memory bone! I worked at a bookstore in high school. Anyone remember Super Crown Books? Anyway, I remember all the “[Insert topic here] for Dummies” books!
I have to tell myself to slow down and connect with my direct reports. It’s not that I don’t care, but I am usually hyper focused on not wasting their time, getting too personal, and I’m not a small talk person. If we are gonna get to know each other, I usually want to talk about the secrets of the universe with you! However, I have had leaders that just didn’t care AT ALL, and it was noticeable. Sometimes those leaders teach you so much about what you don’t want to do.
Great topic! Love the book giveaways as well!
Thank god for emotional intelligence! It’s helped me survive as a leader for years.
Love the 6 simple ways to be a more emotionally intelligent leader. I have found that most people struggle with #6 and that it helps if we listen more than we speak. We can always learn from others, but we may not always be teachers.
To win the hearts and minds of those in your circle is such a beautiful goal!
EQ is one of the more difficult items to understand especially if you’ve been raised in a home with limited emotional interaction- where no one really cared about your feelings.
Emotional intelligence starts with putting others first instead of you first. Once this shift in any relationship and conversation happen then you are on your way to become more emotionally intelligent.
Great information. In my 3 decades in HR, I have had to manage many leaders off the team due to their lack of emotional intelligence.
Great post. Do you feel that emotional intelligence is the number one indicator of whether or not a leader will be successful?
A simple rule i’ve been working to follow is Pause and be Curious. Pausing gives space to acknowledge, validate, and give myself permission to feel my feels. Curiosity forces me to work to listen and understand without judgement. PnBC hits all six of your points. Love how this gives more language to it!
It seems as though the concept of Emotional Intelligence presupposes that this intelligence is used only for good or noble, positive purposes. Why is this the case, when we know that “regular” intelligence can be used for malicious ends?
“[Emotional intelligence] includes recognizing another person’s perspective and using your emotions effectively.”
Being effective means achieving a desired result. This desired result is rooted in the nature of the “emotionally intelligent” person’s intentions, which don’t necessarily need to be good. This seems to be how good manipulators operate. Please help me understand why we assume the best of people.
After reviewing the list, it seems to me that being emotionally intelligent is the pathway to becoming a relationship builder. And relationship building is critical for leadership. You cannot accomplish hard things without strong relationships.
I have a question about #6. – When staff are hard to get to know or they do not open up…I often find myself sharing things about my personal life and family in hopes of connecting with them. My goal is to find something that they comment on that I’ve shared and build from there…is this the wrong approach? Is there a better way to get others to open up that are reluctant to do so?
EQ is critical in creating a sense of belonging and making staff feel valued. Learning about your team helps you lead them with heart. Celebrating their successes should always be forefront which builds them up to perform at higher levels.
This is definitely an area that I could improve on. Thank you for all of your thoughtful posts they are very helpful for me.
Tom
“Emotional intelligence plays a vital role in medical practice, fostering a deeper understanding and connection with patients, ultimately leading to more effective and compassionate care.”
“In medical practice, emotional intelligence is a critical skill that enables healthcare professionals to diagnose and treat ailments while providing empathetic support, enhancing the overall patient experience.”
This would be a great book to pass around to 4 new area leaders in our plant. I would love a copy.
E.I. is something that I’ve been coaching my managers to look for as they hire and coach staffing. It’s one of the key attributes that contributes to a great team and work environment. Resources for coaching are always beneficial!
Very insightful – reminds me of some Ajay Banga material I read a while back.
You had me at “for dummies!
Enjoyed the read. Great reminder to recognize & understand the other individual’s perspective and that my emotions can be a tool verses a hindrance.
Being truly engaged with the people you lead is the key. They can sense a leader being superficial and going through the motions. True empathy for each person’s walk is the key to connection and trust.
WOW! There is so much wrapped into Emotional Intelligence!!! What an amazing topic and so much more I need to learn about it in my day-to-day interactions with my employees.
I’d love a copy! Great subject.
I’m a Leadership Development Consultant. At my company, we’re putting all our leaders through a development program, focusing on one topic each quarter. This quarter we’re focusing on CONNECTING with employees. We kicking things off with an EI session so the timing of this is perfect! Can’t wait to share this blog post and book suggestion with our leaders.
Emotional Intelligence is such an important part of success in each persons career. It is so important to truly make others feel special!
For some leaders, EI is there engagement strategy — inclusive welcoming, ice breaker, etc. — and done because there is a spot for it on the agenda template. The superficial level or the glossing over these emotional connections does not evoke trust or deepen a relationship; they are lost opportunities to lead better and foster better relationships. This is what I see happening in our district; this book would be good for our leaders.
This could be a great read to add to my collection.
Don’t shortcut the process of creating the container within which you and others will work. By engaging one another about who you are—and will be—you better position yourselves for all that you’ll have to do.
I need to focus more on making sure my interpretation of their emotions is accurate. This is one area of leadership I’m very interested in and trying to improve on.
This is such an important part of Leadership. It should be the first thing that is discussed and taught in any leadership class. It goes back to the old quote “They won’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care” When those you manage understand you value them an individuals, their family and their perspective, you will gain their trust and respect.
Awesome
I have always had a hard time discerning how others feel. I have often taken people’s comments at face value without diving deeper and understanding if someone actually feels the way they say.
I like the step of reflection before checking with others. I have found taking a pause is most beneficial to my decision making.
This is definitely an area that I would like to learn more about. Colleagues that care about each other work better together in my experience.
M colleagues work remotely, and I find it difficult to sometimes learn more about them. I have found that I have to be very intentional to do this. It means that oftentimes at the beginning of meetings, rather than just jumping in, I will ask what is going on in their lives. I think people like talking about themselves and their families, but sometimes we don’t ask or give them the time to do so. I love the reflection piece. I need to be more mindful of this.
Emotional Intelligence is the difference between the good managers and the bad. And it’s something I wish every manager in my career possessed. I try hard to be better, to continue to improve my ability to manage my folks from an emotionally wise perspective.
emotional intelligence is a big factor on everything we do. It’s used for daily living activities both at work and home. I use it always, I always listen and then give my compassionate opinion.
EQ is one of the top attributes a leader needs. From my experience, EQ, Humility, Drive and Integrity should be strengths for any leader.
Emotional intelligence for Dummies that is a book I can get into reading.
Thank you for contributing to a much needed field. This seems to be one of the most important lessons for leaders.
Learning about EQ was a game changer for me. I was taught as a child that I had to wear my emotions outward but never told how to control them or what they meant. Now I’m a better leader with an understanding of EQ.
For those of us that grew up in church or studying the Bible, these are really not new principles – just reapplied.
I think the topic of emotional intelligence is extremely important and can benefit everyone to look inwards and improve on, especially in leadership. I continue to keep this topic front of mind in hopes of someday mastering.
EQ trumps IQ every single time! Love taking myself and my teams through EQ training, watching them put into practice ways to increase their EQ scores!
“Show others that you are interested in them, their family, and their interests” is the foundation to building trust on your teams.
I am convinced that leaders that are not emotionally intelligent can tear up a team
EI is one of the foundational leadership skills required to build trust and connection with teams. Without EI, many will not follow.
It used to be standard advice for new leaders to not be friends with your team because that would make being a leader more difficult. Too often that led to disconnectedness. It is still critically important to connect with your team. There are still minefields though, like health and disability related topics.
I have pretty close personal relationships with my associates. Our COO is one of my best friends; however, I make a point to not ask personal questions about her dating life and other topics that wouldn’t be appropriate for an employer/employee conversation. I do ask about family, hobbies, etc., but it’s out of genuine curiosity and excitement for our associates. I’m sure staff members can see right through forced conversations that are only had to appear to be empathetic.
I realize several years ago that I was a bit deficient in EQ. It is a journey – am I there yet? Nope! But working every day to tip the scale in the right direction. And as I thought partner with and coach leaders, I have come to realize how important it is to help them explore their EQ and how it impacts the way they lead their teams.
I am a retired administrator after 42 years of holding administrative positions:
8 years as a Principal of a high school; 18 years as the Director of a transitional shelter for homeless families; and 16 years as an Assistant Principal in a high school. I believe that emotional intelligence is one of the most critical attributes of a leader—without which she/he cannot be effective. I don’t believe that emotional intelligence can be learned. A person in a leadership position either has it or they don’t. Without emotional intelligence, shared leadership is not possible and, as a result, the person responsible to and for the people they serve would be unable to create a collaborative community of persons engaged in moving the organization forward for the growth and development of all members. Thank you for identifying the critical importance emotionally intelligent leaders.
This is a great post as emotional intelligence is such an important aspect for all leaders. Sounds like an awesome read!
My motto for many years has been…….KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS
Having led different sales teams and functioned in the same role at some time in my career, one thing I uphold greatly is genuine interest in my direct reports. Their personal goals, how the challenges of closing sales and losing out on others affect them, supporting them from the rear and in front. When people a genuine action targeted at their personhood, not some fictitious approach to appear concerning, people are more eager to open up, share ideas, listen and follow