If You Struggle to Trust People Read This
“… there is nothing quite so tragic as a young cynic, because it means the person has gone from knowing nothing, to believing nothing.” Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou was raped as a young girl. It’s enough to destroy a person’s life, but she didn’t become cynical. She overcame distrust of people.
People who thrive trust people.
Faith in general:
Everyone lives by faith. Perhaps you trust in a philosophy of life. It might be Stoicism, Epicureanism, Existentialism, Humanism, or Buddhism. Take your pick. You’re trusting in it.
You might say, I live by science. Then you’re trusting in science. Maybe it’s religion. Muslims trust in Muhammad. Jews trust in God. I’m a Christian. We trust in Jesus. If you don’t trust in philosophy, science, or religion then it’s something else. Maybe you trust in education, politics, money, family, reform, experts, or technology.
Leaders trust people:
All leaders have faith in people.
Cynics can’t lead. You might have a title, but you aren’t leading. Cynics can boss but they can’t inspire. Distrustful people can micromanage, but they can’t engage people. You can trust the process, but you can’t lead until you believe in people.
Disbelief can set goals and aim for short-term wins, but you must believe in people to build a relationship with them.
4 ways to learn to trust people:
You can’t trust everyone, but you must trust people to lead.
#1. Respect their energy. The things that energize you don’t energize others. Enjoy the difference and find ways to fuel their energy. Anyone can suck the life out of people. Leaders pour gas on fires.
#2. Learn about their past successes. History predicts the future.
#3. Know their strengths and weaknesses. Don’t expect performance from weakness.
#4. Believe they showed up to succeed. Most people don’t show up to screw up. Don’t trust them if they do.
What could any leader do today to learn to trust people?
Dig deeper:
Don’t trust everyone! Read this: 7 Secrets to Spotting People You can Trust
The VIA Assessment helps you learn other’s strengths. To try it out, use the “free” link in the upper right.
In general I trust people. But I don’t trust some individuals. .
I don’t trust people who have a history of lying, cheating, having a hidden agenda, being irresponsible, etc.
If you don’t trust people in general, do some self-reflect and find out why. You may need some help from a coach or therapist.
It’s silly to trust everyone. Even a novice with character shouldn’t be trusted with high impact projects.
I think I am mixing up trust with believing in people. I believe or trust that when people are taught how to do XYZ they will succeed. I trust the novice is capable of learning and performing.
There is a difference between “trusting in” and “trusting that”.
I believe a novice can be taught. I think I’d need to know the novice before I could believe they will succeed because they were taught something.
In this post I’m thinking about trusting in. Leading requires trusting in people to perform.
You’re comment makes me feeling like there’s a can of worms to be opened. It’s too deep for me. 🙂 But, it was fun mulling this over.
Dan, great read today. Assume positive intent. Trust makes the work easier.
Thanks,Sara. Assuming positive intent is a great foundation.
This is all good (great) advice. My go-to was always giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, people take advantage of that characteristic. The hardest part for me, now, is trying to heal from broken trust. I find myself able to move forward but without being able (or, more accurately, being unwilling) to forgive. Once my eyes are open to who a person is – I can’t go back.
You honor us with your candor. Thank you, DJ. Trust can be dangerous. It feels scary for many leaders. When people violate trust, it’s painful.
I wonder if forgiveness and trust can be different. I can forgive you for missing a deadline. I’m not sure it’s wise to move forward without putting some accountabilities in place.
You bring up an interesting idea about second chances. Second chances make people dare to try new things. Perhaps patterns are important here.
Plus, there is the personal level. When we trust someone with our inner thoughts and they gossip about them, it really hurts. When someone does that, stop sharing your inner thoughts with them. They might still be trustworthy in other areas.
You got me thinking as you can see. Thank you.
As a global collaborator to advance public health equity and access to treatments in the non-competitive space with public private partnerships and consortia, we are always address the impact and cultural complexities of trust. Fascinating.
We are in the process of building a business case for a global project on trust. 🙂
Fascinating, Jean. It’s an important and challenging topic. I look forward to learning from your experience.
I might be naïve, but I believe in trusting people. For the first 10 years of my career as consultant professional speaker, I did not ask anyone sign a contract. I never got stiffed. Every bill was paid, on time. For a while, I would tell my clients, “Just pay me whatever you think is fair.” They often gave me more than I would’ve asked for. And my fees are not low. Eventually, clients started asking for contracts. We have a standard contract now. It’s very simple. One page. No one has ever broken it. Maybe I’ve just been lucky.
Thanks, John. I’m with you. I’m no fan of long contracts. A handshake with a person of character is better than a 20-page contract.
The well guy we hired installed a device to monitor our well pump. He said, I only use one brand. It’s the most expensive. If you think you can find one cheaper, buy it and I’ll install it for you. (I didn’t ask him about the price. He just volunteered it.)
Do you think I looked to buy one myself? Absolutely NOT! I want people around me I can trust. If we need this guy for something in the future. I won’t ask for contracts and estimates. I’ll say, “Come up and get it done. I’ll write the check when you’re done.” To me, that’s trust.
Well done Dan (as usual), great post.
“Cynics can’t lead. You might have a title, but you aren’t leading. Cynics can boss but they can’t inspire. Distrustful people can micromanage, but they can’t engage people. You can trust the process, but you can’t lead until you believe in people.”
Recently I read the four essential ingredients for Trust:
Positive relational Intent
Competence
Consistency
Transparency.
when these are present trust happens…
I’m so glad you brought that up. #1 people need to know you are interested in their best interest. They’re all important. Competency means don’t trust your dentist to fix your car.
I appreciate your gift of putting so many thoughts concisely into so few words!
Something I noted in today’s blog that could restrict the reach of your advice was “Muslims trust in Muhammad.” Muslim readers would see that as coming from an uninformed Westerner. Muslims trust in God but often call him Allah, believing Him to be the God of Abraham. A wording palatable to Muslims, Jews and Christians could be “Muslims trust in Allah” while avoiding the “Is Allah God” and “G-d” controversies.