Dear Dan: Can You Lead When Your Life is in Shambles
This post is a portion of an email exchange I had with a reader. It’s presented here with permission.
Dan,
I love your blog – you present a great moral compass on top of basic leadership skills. Can we be a good leader if our personal life is in shambles or isn’t a true reflection of what we are presenting?
Sincerely,
In Shambles
Dear In Shambles,
You ask an interesting and important question. I think it can take many forms. Your email brings two questions that popped into my head.
- How “good” do you have to be to lead?
- How important is character and consistency?
Here are a few quick reflections that come to mind.
5 things your question says about you:
- You are self-aware enough to see yourself through a reasonably honest lens.
- You have a measure of courage and vulnerability.
- You seem to value authenticity and integrity.
- Perhaps you hint at a desire to improve.
- You probably have an inner critic that beats you up. (I do not mean to suggest that it’s always bad to point an accusing finger at ourselves. However, emotional guilt can be a chain that binds us to the things that hold us back.)
Please note, if you have a loud inner critic, you might be saying to yourself, “Dan doesn’t know the depth of my concerns.” That is true.
If you set aside the inadequacies of my knowledge and you reflect on the above observations, where do your thoughts go?
I wish you well,
Dan
Reasons for this response to In Shambles:
Express support:
Support and empathy encourage people. We exchanged three emails before this question appeared. The first one was about books.
Avoid assumptions:
I didn’t assume this person was asking for them self. When I replied, I said I assume you are writing for yourself. If I’m wrong, please ignore what follows. In the response the reader confirmed it was personal.
The first question that comes to mind when someone suggests their life is in shambles is, “What do you mean by ‘in shambles?’.” But I don’t know if this reader grapples with the imposter syndrome or has a dead body in the closet.
My brain goes to dark places naturally. I chose to respond with positive reflections. I would invite a coaching client to define “shambles” after we knew each other a little better. It felt inappropriate to ask a deeply personal question in an email exchange with someone I don’t know.
Empower others:
It seemed energizing to honor this person’s question by noticing the strengths that might lie behind the question. It’s hard to move forward and feel beaten down at the same time. It’s appropriate to say hard things to people in a supportive environment.
Encourage self-reflection:
It’s useful to provide a lens for self-reflection. We have a loud inner critic that can dominate our perspective. There’s more than one perspective on every situation. When you provide a new way of seeing you expand life.
Note: I suspend my 300-word limit on “Dear Dan” posts. The email exchange was edited slightly.
What suggestions do you have that might improve my response to “In Shambles”?
It’s not unusual to feel inadequate. What suggestions do you have that might move this person forward?
Still curious:
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Some of the most amazing leaders with whom I have worked have also had a personal life full of challenges that might be described as shambles. The reasons they were so impactful may have been that they had greater empathy, heightened energy, and a greater drive to pour into the part of their lives where they felt their investments were likely to result in better outcomes.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective, Dawn. It’s true, our frailties teach us empathy, humility, openness, and more. However we lose those benefits when we refuse to see ourselves honestly.
I definitely can relate to this leader. When our personal lives are “in shambles” there are times we think, “how can I deal with this employee and what they are going through when I am going through so much myself.” At least, that is what question I have asked myself many times throughout the 28 years I have been in management. I have utilized that age old saying “leave my personal issues at the door when I arrive and pick them up on the way out.” Am I bringing my authentic self? The answer to that is Yes. If someone is going through something I have experienced, I am more relatable, more empathetic because I have been there or even currently there. When I show that part of myself to others, they are more comfortable and trusting as they know I genuinely understand what they are going through. I know there are no 2 people that experience the same emotions during similar situations and I am aware of that. I don’t compare how I handled a situation to how they may be experiencing it. I let them experience in their own way. I just let them know I am there for them as a sounding board and will listen any time they need me to. At the end of the day, I do feel better when I can share my experiences. It makes me feel good when I can be there for someone else who is going through something similar.
Wonderful insights, Brandi. It’s authentic to leave our own troubles at the door as long as we genuinely show up to serve.
As you indicate, honest, appropriate vulnerability is a useful tool of servant leaders as long as we don’t make ourselves the center of attention. I respect how you realize you can’t relate because leadership is about others.
I think it is important to define the words “in shambles.” What does that mean for this person?
These is a continuum of issues, problems, and challenges we face in our personal lives. At the extreme it’s hard to lead people at work when our personal life is in chaos–in shambles. It is not always possible to separate your personal life from your work life.
If “in shambles” is at the low end of the spectrum, some leaders are able to do their job and lead effectively.
I would discuss –how can this individual use his/her leadership skills at home to reduce the shambles and help improve the situation? It may include soliciting outside experts to help in defining problems, clarifying roles, resolving conflicts, and making the rights decisions etc.
Thanks, Paul. You bring up an essential point. Progress involves others. Frankly, it doesn’t matter if our lives are in shambles or not.
Some issues disqualify us from leadership. Things like criminal activity and certain additions come to mind. On the other hand, everyone leads with frailty. One question that comes to mind is how the level of competence compares with the mess.
Sometimes a life that, many times by no means of itself , comes crashing down (we live in a sinful world), a leader needs a time out, a stepping back to evaluate and regroup. Many times having wise counselors and close intimate friends are critical in this time. Self care is needed for long term success. If a person has a relation to God in Christ here is another essential principle: guilt comes Satan, conviction from the Lord. It is imperative to know the difference.
Thanks for bringing your Christian perspective to the conversation, Dale. The point about time out is well taken, regardless of the orientation of the leader. A sabbatical can be useful to reorient, refocus, and work on personal concerns.
Hello “In Shambles”… many of us have been in your same position, thinking we are a mess (for whatever reason) and trying to be effective at work. I have found it nearly impossible to compartmentalize personal and professional 100% of the time. Most of us know it is challenging to see beyond the mess when you are in it. I firmly believe that humanness=imperfection so we all have our times.
Being aware of your situation leads me to believe you are working to not let one bleed too deep into the other, which I think is great. Dan once said something like “Paint a picture of what you want by noticing what you don’t want.” It seems to me you are doing that now.
Finally, be nice to yourself and pay attention to your emotions. Grant yourself the grace to not cast guilt for experiencing them and let that inform your next steps, not dictate them.
I hope this encourages you…
Thanks, WP…. I hadn’t thought about using negatives to pursue positives but I’m glad you brought it up.
How good do you have to be in your personal life to be a good leader. Depends on definition. Paul’s point above is also important. “At the extreme it’s hard to lead people at work when our personal life is in chaos–in shambles.”
There’s a difference between owning our frailties and constantly beating ourselves down because of them. The beat down is destructive. Owning it is opportunity.
I think this is very much determined by how we define leading/leadership. We all find ourselves in various states of “shambles” at times but if we are not alone in our leadership we mitigate impacts on those we serve. If leadership is about actions which raise the character of an organization and expand its capacity to serve, then my experience finds leading with a team and as a team mitigates our shortcomings. When we are not alone in leading, all benefit from the stability and diversity of skills. However, the buck stops HERE ownership/accountability remains , when needed, and is mine alone.
Same boat different paddle. I have found that while my life may be a royal mess and really just off the rails, leading isn’t about me. It is about the team I am on and the one I lead. So leading is therapy, I do for others and feel more engaged and like I am making progress. It also helps give me perspective on how to address the parts of my life that are not okay. No surprise, happiness and well being is in being others focused.
Thanks, Dan. You remind me that the problems we face can be a source of insight and influence. The answers we find for ourselves can be useful to others. Sometimes our personal battles become important sources of positive impact. Some of our greatest insights happen in the dark.
Thanks, ST. Powerful insight. One purpose of a team is to compensate for the weaknesses around the table. Regardless of our personal state, we should not be going alone. If we are doing well, we need people around us. If we are struggling, we need people around us. We need supportive relationships to thrive.
I love this post and love the question. One of the things that I have struggled with in the past is asking people to do things that I don’t think I am doing particularly well myself. There is always the realization that people on the team have different strengths and the recognition that we all benefit from capitalizing on each other’s strengths (rather than me being expected to “do it all”), but it always feels disingenuous to ask my team to do something if I do not feel I am modeling the behavior well.
Thank you, Rupee. Your honesty is refreshing. It’s true, if we aren’t good at it, how can we ask others to improve. If you don’t mind me saying, learning together might be a useful approach. It might also be useful to adopt vulnerable language. “I grapple with the same issue. It’s still important, even though I’m not good at it either.”
Hi Rupee – I can relate to that very much. It is usually when my pride leads me to embarrassment and a guilty of feeling, as you put it, disingenuous. My tactic in that situation is to acknowledge it to my team and say “I’m not very good at xyz and I know that you can do it well. Can I rely on you to help?”
Lead on!
One of my first thoughts was “before we think about leading others (when our life is in shambles), how do we lead ourselves”. Whomever you are leading deserves, and needs your leadership. If we can find a way to lead ourselves, as this person seems to be doing, then, yes, you can lead others.
Leading ourselves, when our life is in shambles, is all about self-inspection, self-reflection, and self-inventory. Are you anchored, centred, and focused? Are you able to be impartial and reasoned? Can you see past your issues to focus on theirs? Can you ensure your personal shambles don’t become someone else’s?
Finally, I would encourage anyone who is facing a challenge to approach it with five investigations in mind. What can you learn? What strength can you build? What hope can you find? What wisdom can you gain? What knowledge will you acquire? When you investigate these areas you set yourself on building stronger leadership tools, and finding new ones.
If you share this journey with others, the authenticity of that moment is realized and the bond between you and your team will deepen. This is a moment for huge growth for you and them. Use your shambled life to show people a path to growth. and joy.
Hi Alf. Glad you dropped in today. Love your suggestions. My favorite is your closing line, “Use your shambled life to show people a path to growth. and joy.” Our journey gives us a life message.
Hope your business is doing well.
How timely, my 27 year old son shared a quote with me last night that he received in a pack of Magic cards.
“I’m not great at everything but I am great at one thing: Surrounding myself with excellent people. And that tends to take care of the rest.” – Sheldon Menery
Many years ago when I was a little younger than my son, I reported to a senior vice president of a Fortune 500 company. He told me that great leaders know their weaknesses and surround themselves with people who fill those gaps. He then shared with me the strengths that I had that complimented the rest of the team.
Thank you, Pamela. What an inspiring story. Would we all love a leader to share how we bring unique value to the team. We want to feel like we are here for a reason.
Great topic! When asking for a definition of “shambles”, do not say “Oh, that is not so bad!” or “I have had it worse.” Instead, ask about how it is impacting you and your job?
I really like this topic, and am reminded that leadership is manifested by a leader and their team drawing on experience and personality, but most importantly mastery of leadership skills. Like any skill-based task, one can wield mastery of a skillset to perform a task in spite of personal struggles going on simultaneously. I agree with other commenters who stated that the act of leading can sometimes even be cathartic and potentially be enhanced from personal struggles.
You are not your life.
Anyone who has had to deal with illness, war, drought, being laid off (the list is endless), has had a “life in shambles.”
What does that mean to the “you” living that life? (at work, home, or any other part of life.)
When I reflect on the greatest leaders I have ever worked with, they all had two things in common – authenticity and vulnerability. The worst were those that couldn’t admit a flaw and saw weakness in those who struggled. Sounds like “In Shambles” is in the former category to me.