How to Defeat “Don’t Want” Thinking in Yourself and Others
Any fool knows what they don’t want.
The person you aspire to become is lost when “don’t want” dominates your thinking. Saying, “I hate being frustrated,” is disappointing compared to concentrating on things within your control.
Life is built with “Do want” actions.
Three “don’t want” conversations:
There’s an avalanche of “don’t want” in the world. It’s courageous to imagine who you might become.
#1. An aspiring leader
He said he steps on people’s toes. That’s a nice way of saying he hurts people. He knows trampling on people short-circuits his career.
I asked, “If you weren’t stepping on people’s toes, what would you be like?”
He fumbled for a bit and finally said, “I don’t know.”
I said, “Imagine you did know.”
Still, language failed him.
#2. A friend
A friend is troubled by his constant striving. Life without striving is unimaginable. But he also strives for contentment.
I asked, “If you weren’t always striving, what would you be doing?”
He said, “It feels like I’d be a failure.”
I asked, “But, what would you be doing instead of striving?”
“I’m not sure.”
#3. My hairdresser
The woman who cuts my hair doesn’t like her people-pleasing tendencies. I asked, “If you weren’t people-pleasing, what would you be doing?”
She said, “I wouldn’t care what people think.” She described what she wouldn’t do. Positive language escaped her.
3 steps to growth:
- Consider what you don’t want as only a beginning.
- Give yourself a target. Describe what you want. If you can’t imagine it, you can’t become it. I don’t mean to say that if you describe it, you will become it, but positive language precedes positive change.
- Distill imagination into simple behaviors.
Life languishes on “don’t want” thinking and talking.
How might leaders help people rise above the persecutions of “don’t want” thinking?
Dig deeper:
How to Leverage the Power of Imagination to Develop Leaders
Research:
Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions (berkeley.edu)
The power of simulation: imagining one’s own and other’s behavior – PubMed (nih.gov)
Strategy as Simple Rules (hbr.org)
Purchase The Vagrant: The Inner Journey of Leadership. Our book gives you tools to overcome “don’t want” thinking and provides tools to explore who you aspire to become.
Finding our what is important and what you do want requires regular actions to increase your self-awareness.
-Openness to-feedback
-Reflection
-Writing down your self-talk
-Meditation
-Coaching and Mentoring
-Therapy
Wonderful insights, Paul. You mention several things that I list in The Vagrant as useful tools for structured self-reflection. Cheers
Oh man, number 2! I feel that! What would I be doing if I wasn’t striving? I’d be resting!
Can you be content in the striving, rather than striving for contentment?
It is a challenge isn’t it. I wonder about being at rest even when working? At rest with myself. At rest with my capacity. At rest with things I cannot change. At rest with an imperfect boss. At rest with the frailties of those around me as long as we aren’t using them as excuses. At rest with responsible failure. At rest with my limited capacity. At rest with the idea that I have things to learn. At rest with the idea that I need physical rest to function at my capacity. (HaHA… that just flowed out of me! Something to think about anyway.)
You need to start with the “don’t want” because that’s what tells you there is a problem. You then have to figure out what you do want and how to get there.
As an example, I have a stone in shoe, which is causing me annoyance or even pain. I don’t want the stone in my shoe. And just saying that isn’t going to fix the problem. I do want to be free of pain when I walk, which also isn’t going to fix the problem, but gets me closer to figuring out an action plan. My action plan is that I am going to take off my shoe, upend (and possibly shake) it to get the stone out, and then put my shoe back on. And I only get there if I can recognize the “don’t want”, imagine the “do want”, and then figure out how to get there.
Going to the first example, Aspiring Leader’s “don’t want” is to not step on people’s toes. His “do want” might be to involve those around him in the decision- making process. His action plan is to take the the time to discuss what they are trying to accomplish and why he thinks a particular approach will get there. He then listens to what those around him think rather than steamrolling over them. They may end up doing what he originally wanted, they may end doing what someone else wants, or they may end doing something entire new based on everyone’s input.
Brilliant!! I’m in love with the stone in your shoe illustration. It’s so simple. It made me chuckle. And it got the job done!! Your insights are helpful and energizing. Cheers.
How might leaders help people rise above the persecutions of “don’t want” thinking? I am connecting this to full-on coaching. Asking questions that help them discern the appropriateness of maintaining status quo. Asking them questions that lead them to identifying what ‘better’ is. Asking them what actions that they believe could help the situation. Asking them what actions they can commit to taking.
My “don’t want” how I engage with the struggle of individuals to develop a plan for improvement without being given a menu of options or choices generated for them. It’s a hard path for many and I have to fight the tendency to suggest those options under the idea of being helpful.
One of your best – among many great ones!!! I look forward to each one you send.
Excellent post, and I greatly appreciate the conversation within the replies. Major kudos to Jennifer Paperman for the stone in shoe analogy. Those are such effective ways to help bring lightness to a possibly difficult conversation and open the mind to possibilities.
I love that you brought that flip of ‘focus on the positives to help mend the negatives’ into the workplace, it is so relevant in many aspects of life.
It’s like learning to ride a bike. you really “don’t want” to crash into that tree, but it’s all you can focus on… and so you crash into that tree.
Focus on the path you want to ride instead, and you sail right past that tree. 😉
Oh wow…I WANT to take some time to go meditate on this! This post feels like I just found a precious key to a door I was struggling to open for a long time… Another awesome tidbit of wisdom, so grateful to have found this blog a while back. 🙂