The Lies We Love to Tell
The more power you have, the more lies you hear.
People agree when you state your opinion. They smile when they’re upset with you. When you ask how things are going, they say, “Great.”
7 reasons people lie to the boss:
- Suggestions create work. When you suggest it, you do it.
- Input may be interpreted as criticism or dissatisfaction.
- Speaking up might strain relationships with colleagues. It doesn’t pay to make someone look bad.
- The mandatory rule is, “Protect the boss’s ego.”
- Disagreement is considered disloyalty.
- People who earn promotions go along to get along.
- The boss controls promotions, raises, and assignments.
4 ways to hear the truth:
Be worthy of the truth if you hope to hear it.
#1. Give your opinion last.
Everyone migrates to the boss’s position after it’s expressed.
#2. Ask curious questions.
Leading questions invite lies. Don’t ask questions that begin with verbs.
- Don’t you agree?
- Isn’t it true?
- Does that make sense?
Curious questions begin with what or how.
- What are some alternatives?
- What might go wrong?
- What makes you believe this will work?
- How did you come up with that idea?
- How do we know?
- What are we missing?
- How could we improve our (plan, leadership, meetings)?
- What are we learning?
- What can we do differently next time?
- How might that work?
- What’s working well?
- How confident are you based on a scale of 1-10?
#3. Explore input actively.
Lean forward when someone speaks up. Take notes and ask curious questions. Always express gratitude.
#4. Assume speaking truth to power is rare.
People tell half-truths to avoid upsetting anyone. Lying is a virtue when upsetting someone is a sin.
What lies and half-truths do leaders often hear?
What can leaders do to make hearing the truth more likely?
A little book about humility.
John David Mann and I give readers an opportunity for structured self-reflection in our book, The Vagrant. There’s hope for you if you occasionally see yourself in the story.
Dan–great points. I like asking questions in a way that invites a negative comment. “What don’t you like about this idea?”
Thanks, Paul. The brain seems to wake up with greater intensity when asked to think about a negative.
What could go wrong?
What was left undone?
Why won’t this idea work?
Asking negative-response-questions leverages the idea that bad is stronger than good.
I love curious questions. We also have to remember that the delivery of the question can be just as important. You can use what and how and still come off as lacking curiosity but questioning in controlling way. When a culture of genuine listening and respect for the discussion is built, it also helps support this healthy process.
So true Sarah. The way a question is delivered impacts the response you recieve. If you don’t project openness, responses will be guarded.
Thank you for providing your perspective Dan. Your words continue to help me mature and become more effective, both in leading myself and others.
It’s a pleasure to be of service, Thomas.
Many truths in your article Dan. I really have seen it over the years in my career. It does make a big difference in the style of leadership that your boss has and their level of security with themselves. The “curious questions” in point #2 are excellent and a leader that uses those types of questions would be considered secure with who they are, their ability to lead, and their connection with their team. I hate arrogant, bull-headed, know-it-all bosses, like most of us have had (or will have) once or twice in our careers, that tell us what to think, how to do every task, and box in any creative thought. Thanks for your many great articles full of wisdom for successful leadership.