Conflict Resilience: Turn Argument to Advantage
Don’t worry if there’s conflict. Worry if there isn’t.
Disagreements are inevitable. Avoidance is the enemy. Conflict resilience helps you thrive during the inevitable. How can you turn discomfort into discovery?
3 Skills of Conflict Resilience:
1. Name It & Dig Deep
Untended tension festers. Identify real issues. Avoid reacting to surface-level issues. Three questions to dig deep:
- What really bothers me about this?
- What assumptions control my responses?
- What’s at stake for others?
Clarity is the beginning of resolution.
2. Explore It & Be Brave
Curiosity turns a battleground into a learning ground. Rather than defending your position, explore:
- What’s driving the disagreement?
- How does my emotional response shape my approach?
- What is the most generous assumption I can make about the other person’s intent?
Bravery in conflict means seeking understanding before seeking victory.
3. Commit & Own It
Leaders miss opportunities to build trust when they sidestep conflict. Own it rather than avoiding it.
- Take responsibility for your part.
- Define the best possible outcome and communicate it.
- Commit to handling future conflicts with the same intent.
Conflict resilience turns arguments into an asset.
Success during conflicts isn’t about winning arguments. It’s about strengthening relationships and making better decisions. Leaders who face conflict with skill and courage create environments where people engage, innovate, and grow.
Avoidance breeds dysfunction. Courage fuels progress.
Which aspect of conflict resilience seems most challenging?
What have you learned about turning conflict to advantage?
This post is based on CONFLICT RESILIENCE: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In (HarperBusiness, 3/18/25) by conflict management expert Robert Bordone and behavioral neurologist Joel Salinas, M.D.
6 Steps to Conflict Resolution in the Workplace
I find it is important to determine:
1. Where do we disagree–the goal, the plan, priority, values, etc.
2. Why do we disagree? What are the facts, reasons, and experiences behind your position?
3. What are the options to achieve a win-win result.
Establish ground rules to have a productive and efficient discussion.
Some times the only answer is —“let’s agree to disagree on this topic.”
Hi Paul, Sorry about the thumbs down. I was in a parking lot on my phone and hit the wrong button. Ground rules are an interesting opportunity. Something like, always restate what the other person said before responding might be useful.
Amen! Too often I hear someone say that conflict means we don’t get along. I say conflict means you care about it. Handled correctly it’s a strength. Thanks for the good words.
Thanks, Brent. Great point on caring. Why bother if you don’t care? Maybe we should say that to each other when conflict is young.
“Avoidance breeds dysfunction.” So true. How often is this done in our families of origin? I admit that I do sometimes see arguments as some sort of sports playing filled and their is a giant scoreboard posting point by point scores. And I want to win. But, I am doing better – I am starting to learn that victory over another person is often warped and in the long-term, it is actually defeat. My family of origin is learning as well – we have started talking. As Seth Godin once wrote: “If you spot an elephant, saying something. Chances are others see it as well.”
Thank you for your insights and transparency, Travis. The scoreboard illustration speaks to me. With a little reflection it becomes obvious that trying to win creates an adversarial situation.