How to DO Anger
Frustration is useful in the moment but destructive as a lifestyle. Nagging anger at work leads to gloom and grief.
“Depression is anger turned inward.”—often attributed to Sigmund Freud
I never met an angry person who wasn’t also depressed (using the word “depressed” in a nontechnical sense).
Feelings and Carwashes
Feelings are unreliable. I feel like washing my truck makes it run better.
Emotions are information. Sometimes they align with reality. Sometimes they’re crazy. Clean fenders don’t impact engine performance.
Fixing Anger
What should you do with frustration if emotions are unreliable?
Fixing frustration is like curing brain cancer with an aspirin.
Emotions aren’t the most important thing. Yes, feelings matter. What you DO with your feelings matters more.
How to DO Anger
- Clarify issues.
- Identify what you want for the relationship.
- Define what you want for yourself.
- Challenge the story you’re telling yourself.
- Own your contribution to the issue.
- Align your response with your values.
- Take a step toward resolution.
Questions for Reflection
Turn raw emotion into productive behavior.
- What do I want this relationship to look like after the dust settles?
- How could my response strengthen (rather than weaken) trust?
- Am I reacting to the real issue, or have multiple frustrations piled up?
- What do I want for myself? Respect? Peace of mind? Influence? My own way?
- How could this be a growth moment for me?
- If others described my behavior, what would they say?
- How can I turn this frustration into fuel for clarity, courage, or change?
A superficial truck wash doesn’t fix my pickup’s engine. Deep breathing doesn’t resolve root causes. It deals with symptoms.
Emotional control is healthy. More importantly, leaders need to know how to DO frustration effectively.
It takes courage, honesty, vulnerability, and vision to DO anger like a leader.
How can leaders deal with root causes instead of just symptoms?
How to Use Anger to Make You a Better Leader
Managing Anger, Frustration, and Resentment on Your Team HBR
Frustration arises when something gets in the way of your goal. I was on my way to see my grandson play hockey when an accident brought traffic to a stop. Instead of getting angry, I reminded myself to focus on what I could control and let go of what I couldn’t.
Thanks for connecting control to anger. For all us control freaks that makes us mad.
I was told that anger is an emotion of action. I see too many people let anger lead them to regrettable and harmful actions. But, my challenge is the opposite – I get stuck even when anger and frustration are compelling me to make a needed change. So Dan, I like your idea of doing anger right – avoid the harm, but let it “fire you up” to take necessary and meaningful action.
I like your practical approach to handling anger as an emotion, Dan. This is a useful guide I can refer to when feeling anger.
How can leaders deal with root causes instead of just symptoms?
– Recognize what the emotion is. Before addressing and/or fixing things, align on what, exactly, you are experiencing. When anger is justified it can be channeled into useful action. When it isn’t, this is a sign that something else must be addressed. For leaders, this extends past us; we should be a conduit of change for those we lead.
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