Control Your Feelings – Don’t Express Them
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Emotions are responses to information; believe wrong information and you’ll experience wrong feelings.
For example, you think someone neglected their responsibilities causing deliverables to fall through the cracks. Based on that, you feel concerned, frustrated, or even angry.
- Don’t trust those feelings.
- Don’t express those feelings.
- Push those feelings aside.
Reality:
Feelings are responders to perceived reality. They aren’t reality. Think of the last movie you enjoyed, a thriller, action adventure, or better yet, a horror flick. Was it real? No. Did you experience strong emotions? Yes. If you didn’t the movie was a flop.
Imagination?
Feelings are responses to our imagination. For example, when you imagine someone wronged you, even if they didn’t, you feel defensive, aggressive, sad, or any number of other emotional responses.
Confirmation:
Always confirm imagination and perception by investigating reality. Do you know what happened or are you imagining something?
How many times have you been concerned, frustrated, or angry only to find your feelings were based on misinformation?
Admiration:
People admire and respect leaders who control their feelings. In addition, others feel it’s safe to trust us when we’re stable and predictable.
This post is not about comments Mark left on yesterday’s Leadership Freak article. I’m motivated to think on this topic because I’m co-hosting #Leadershipchat on twitter next Tuesday evening. Our topic for that chat concerns leading with feeling.
This topic usually inspires feelings. I’m interested in what you think or feel. I won’t be online much of today so please understand if I don’t respond till later.
When should leaders express their feelings? When should they control them?
Do you lead with feeling? What does that mean to you?
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“…for there is nothing either good or
bad, but thinking makes it so.” – Hamlet Act II, scene II
Yes, indeed…
Niall, props for the awesomely appropriate Shakespeare reference. Takes me back to college, when we would give points for appropriate literary references. Made me smile . . . thanks.
Niall,
For a slight twist on your quote from the bard, Terry Armstrong, a dear friend, leader, and business owner often said “…just because someone says it – doesn’t make it so”
It’s important to realize that everyone navigates this world with their own perspectives and perceptions. Whenever I fell angry or frustrated with a staff member I ask myself, “Is there another way of seeing this?” Is this person trying to be heard? Is this person trying to help, even if it sounds like they’re being critical? Did this person drop the ball or simply not understand the expectation?
Often emotional reactions are the results of the stories we tell ourselves based on our perceptions. I try to follow the advice of my sister” “Tell me another story.” Find the other person’s perspective.
This strategy allows me to control my emotions and make sure I get a full picture of the situation and work toward a solution, improve communication and build trust with the staff, rather than reacting with emotion or anger.
I couldn’t have said it better here today, so I’ll just say, “I agree”
Just to clarify, I agree with Joe McCauley; thank you.
Thanks!
Dan I read in the book by Jeffery Pfeffer that people who shout at work and express negative reactions are not only considered smarter, they also rise higher up the ladder faster. Go Figure.
He explained that people do not want to cross paths with ones who are caustic and have an aggressive spirit.
Steve Jobs was said to be quite demeaning with the employees when he saw low quality work being performed.
I have also heard this of Henry Ford.
It seems like leaders are admired who can control their feelings. If you cannot then atleast have a charismatic vision that people can tolerate your whims sometimes.
Dan, I agree with you. One thing that makes me uncomfortable with current leadership theory is when we’re encouraged to be transparent and vulnerable. There are positives to that, but the potential negative is the leader who wears his or her feelings on her sleeve. The problem with feelings is they also evoke an emotional response, and then we’re back to the office drama you blogged about last week. Leaders who vent their feelings create a volatile workplace.
I think it’s good for leaders to show feelings that are appropriate to the organizational moment — celebrate a win, be sad about someone leaving, show frustration at an intractable problem — because that connects with what the team is feeling. I think there’s a huge advantage for a leader to be calm and rational in addressing failures, digging into problems, etc. In those cases, your controlled demeanor makes an excellent leadership example. Keep in mind that sometimes your team wants you to be on a different level than they are; sometimes they need someone to look too when they are uncertain.
I totally agree with your view.
Hi Dan,
I’m betting at least some of your readers have some experience working with clients in the arena of emotions in the the workplace, as I do. I also teach a course on managing emotions in the workplace, and have great interest in the topic. I like a lot of what you’ve written here, but I would suggest caution with the following statements (just my personal views):
“Don’t trust those feelings.”
While I would suggest that we don’t trust that our emotions as “reality itself,” as you point out later in your post, I WOULD suggest that we always trust that our feelings lead us to important information: about our intention, attention, expectations, attitude, beliefs, and desires, etc. It is important that we build skill with working with our own emotions as allies, not enemies, so that we may work with them with greater ease and grace in others. It is also important that we respect our own emotional nature, so that we can appreciate the diversity of emotions and emotional nature in others. BTW, this is coming from a thinking type, personality-wise, who has found amazing benefit in this approach.
“Push those feelings aside.”
Too often this means pushing feelings into a place where they are not processed, and then leaving them there, until they increase the baseline stress-level. As we know, emotional energy is never destroyed, but only transmuted or converted (dissipation usually dependent on some expression, action, or cognitive realization), so as more pushed-aside emotions are added to a pile, the baseline stress and emotional build up can come to a point of boil-over. Therefore, I suggest that a compliment to the above is, that if you MUST push them to the side for the time being, write down NOW what is the trouble, and process later. Do as much processing in the moment as possible… get to a place of clarity (as you suggest).
“Don’t express those feelings.”
I would suggest to not express—until APPROPRIATE expression is possible, or find another way to transmute or dissipate the energy. With a sound emotional strategy for dealing with difficult emotions (please see the above point), a lower baseline stress level is achieved, and greater cognitive presence at decision points is possible, so it is possible to very quickly get to clarity before anger even rears its head, right in the moment. In other cases, after some cognitive analysis and processing, what started as anger or frustration is expressed as new desires or objectives in an earnest, caring, way.
My overall aim with this post, as in my practice is to offer the point (my view) that emotions are important to our decision-making and navigation everywhere in life (see this example of disastrous decision-making in a person without emotions, due to brain-damage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wup_K2WN0I). If we are to manage them it is better to manage them while seeing them as assets (even the difficult ones), rather than seeing them as nuisance.
Best to you,
Mark
Mark, I agree that emotions have to be processed somehow. I’ve long believed that people process half with their brains and half with their mouths, so that means leaders need to find that safe place to talk about persistent feelings. It’s probably better if that place isn’t with the team, though.
Also, you touched on a dynamic that I still haven’t sorted out, which is appropriate expression of emotion. Unexpressed, unresolved emotion becomes a hidden factor in your relationships with team members. That isn’t fair to them. It also isn’t fair to them to live out an old Army axiom, that the only true privilege of rank is that you never have to be unhappy alone. What’s the right balance? I don’t know.
I agree that emotions should not be suppressed. Nothing good comes out of “festering” wounds. Emotions by themselves are not bad and it is only the behaviors they evoke which is or can be (with help and guidance) under our control. Withholding emotions is disingenuous and lead to erosion of trust. Transparency takes time to evolve and leaders are responsible for creating a “safe community” and “safe places” for team members. The more we know about each other, the better we will be able to work together and maximize our collective strengths.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” – Lou Holtz.
I do think it is important to separate what actually happened to you from how you feel about it. If someone lets you down and you are angry, it is easy to attach negative motivations to the other person’s actions when none were actually present.
While I agree that you might not want to lead from a place of anger or frustration, I also think it can be a useful way to approach possible solutions. Remembering those emotions and expressing them later can illustrate to your team that the issue is important enough that you did experience strong emotions. Saying I was frustrated without saying it in anger can help the team realize that you care. People with no emotions are people who don’t care.
As always Dan, your blog is right on the money and very timely. This past week I could swear you are reading my email! Thanks! Coach Robert
Dan,
If you are asserting that we should advise leaders not to trust or express feelings and to push them aside I couldn’t disagree more!
If that’s what you are saying I’m shocked! Maybe you’re just trying to provoke a primitive limbic response from your readers. 🙂
Knee jerk emotional responses (emotional hijacking) can be big problem for sure. I believe that the most vital leaders develop and use their brain’s executive functioning capacity (prefrontal cortex) to moderate their reactions to such emotions; which does not mean stuffing, distrusting and pushing those emotions aside. Instead, they identify and understand the source of these feelings and then masterfully formulate the appropriate words and actions that will yield the most productive result.
Tom
I think that Tom and Doc most effectively articulated my response to your post Dan. I appreciate the point I think that you’re trying to make, and I think you get at it more effectively in the expanded paragraphs, but your blog title and opening bullets: “Don’t trust your feelings”, “control your feelings” and “push them aside” are out-dated and dangerous messages. If powerful leaders can’t trust themselves, how can anyone else?
Our feelings (and intuition) are incredibly valuable data. The research on neuro-science tells us that decisions aren’t made from our neo-cortex, they are made from our limbic brain – from our “feeling” brain. We then use our neo-cortex to rationalize the decisions we’e made, and shape the steps we’ll take to action those decisions. Without our feelings, data is essentially meaningless.
The skillful leader pays attention to their feelings, notices them, gets curious about them, and then mindfully chooses an appropriate response, rather than abdicating to a mindless reaction. Choosing (or controlling) one’s response is different than discounting (mis-trusting) or ignoring (controlling) one’s emotions.
Sharing one’s emotions, *appropriately* builds trust and relationship. For a leader, vulnerability in the workplace doesn’t mean weeping on their colleagues shoulders, or reacting mindlessly from their wounded self. It means acknowledging that they are human, celebrating successes, seeking to learn from failures, asking for help where they need it, helping others where they can.
It also means being self-aware and self-responsible enough to ensure that they self-manage their emotional experience so that when they share their feelings in the workplace, they are shared intentionally and appropriately.
Dan knows I take issue with ‘controlling’ emotions as much as controlling people. So, this is probably a sidecar to be the original intent of the post.
One cannot truly ‘control’ feelings or people. This is where a honed, facile leadership skill of management comes into play. Sachin made reference to Jobs and Ford, would suggest others to also consider might be Gandhi or Mother T. Short term/long term, definitely a different level of leadership.
In managing feelings/people, you can trust, but verify. (I realize Dan you didn’t group feelings with people, however, am running with it.)
Do you ‘let’ those feelings/people express themselves randomly, spontaneously–depends on the timing, location, issues, presence of others and your own state. Depends on what has happened. A national or international disaster or someone has a reaction to a needed redirection or confrontation.
As far as pushing feelings/people aside, we all may have a visceral reaction to that statement. Mark covered the emotional energy piece well. And when pushed aside, know that certainly the feelings will squish out sideways and spatter all over you, your environment and those you serve. Like holding water in your hands. Clean up on aisle 9 becomes clean up on all aisles. People pushed aside ratchets it up many more notches and creates a historical culture reference point that cannot be erased.
Hi Doc, agree with your premise. I think as stated earlier Dan was trying to hijack our amygdala as emotions need to be expressed. I have learned that as you correctly say, we as hominids need and can’t control our limbic brain and its manifestation to be sure warrants mediation and moderation. That being said Intent is what I focus on as the driver for my resultant behavior. My tendency always has been to provide the benefit of the doubt to all I encounter and especially “team” and “circle” members. Our mutual transparency is what cements relationships. Every action we take, every word we say, every physical message we impart, every thought we insinuate is rooted in emotion. It is an integral part of our physical and spiritual atmosphere which envelops us and without which we could not survive. In fact emotion can be a most powerful ally when used as part of our “persuasion” armamentarium. So Doc tell me how you really feel? 🙂
Thanks for asking Al! Thought for a second we were in song by the Police….every step we take…et al. I like the semi-paradoxic observation of transparency foundation, however it makes sense and can be amazingly strong. Oh, and your armamentarium blew me away!
Sometimes a leader can say more through the non verbals of trying to control strong feelings than they can by disclosing them somehow. I know my children know my strong feelings even when I am not verbalizing them and trying to “protect” them.
Re: the question “do you lead with feeling?” I think I HAVE strong feelings behind my leadership but my impression of what I am conveying does not match up with what the people I am leading perceive. I have mentioned before here on LF that our leadership at my organization is doing a leadership training based on the DISC instrument. My “profiles” after I took the instrument came back with a definite emphasis on how I “rarely display emotion when attempting to influence others.” Combine that with a former supervisor who (according to the instrument) “expects people to return again and again to a topic/to come back to fight another day (paraphrasing here)) and you have an imperfect communication duo!
And as with many leadership discussions, my thinking turns back to the military. If a leader is in a combat situation, that is not the time for “feelings” – or for followers to expect them – the “leading through feelings” option is quite situational.
Hi Dan,
Leaders need to express their feelings when casting a vision, motivating others to act, talking and acting on their passions. Without emotions people will have a hard time following you if you use pure logic when trying to get through a difficult time. Logic can only go so far as a motivator, its the emotional tug that gets people to respond. (Switch by the Health brothers is a great book on this with the elephant and the rider analogy)
Leaders also need to control their feeling as well. If a leader is always highly emotional their followers will have a hard time finding solid footing and will tip toe around issues so that leader does not “get all emotional.” I use the stop, analyze, act approach when I feel my emotions brewing to the surface and over taking my judgement.
The truth is a leader needs to have strong Emotional Intelligence as well as strong logic and strategic thinking. We are all emotional on some scale and since every person is unique and different a great leader will know how to lead each person ranging in both logical and emotional feedback and guidance.
Also, great points Docdisc!
Like many of the comments, it is always good to check your emotions before using them. Take that 30sec pause to insure that what you about to say, demonstrate or do is the right thing that you should be doing.
Now I do believe that there are times when the emotional response is necessary. Let’s say that the team has been working extremely hard on a tough deliverable and pulled out a big win. Celebrate with the team, get the team excited with their accomplishments. Why suppress it. Let that work.. Sometimes a negative emotion is just what is needed in certain situations. Of course, I would warn that those occasions are far and few between. I think I used it 3 times in 20 years. It comes down to knowing your people, knowing your team and making the right choice for the situation.
I like to think of it like parenting. Laugh at the wrong thing and you encourage bad behavior. Get angry easily and you stifle growth. Be strong and steady, and they know you are the one to turn to.
Emotional control in most cases can be traced back to the temperament of the person in question, for me its been a key tool in dealing with people. Am of the opinion that this tool should be used with utmost caution, its of no use controlling you emotions if the purpose behind it is negative, and by this i mean too many times have we seen people step back in order to plot something sinister or evil.
Hold back your emotions long enough to ask questions and investigate just like Dan said, but do not fail to address such issues. In all issues a leader has to understand the value of control, a leader without control is a loose canon. Like I earlier stated its a function of temperament, leadership style and the workplace environment.
In my opinion, leading with feelings is appropriate when looking to inspire, to motivate or to influence. It is not so necessary when looking to solicit creativity, objectivity or ideas. Hence, I believe emotions have their place in communicating vision, or values -based ideas; not so much in brainstorming sessions.
Just my two cents,
Glynis
I really appreciated this post and will be sharing it with others. My hubby and I have always said that each one of us perceives life/situations in many different ways. Sometimes we have to step out of our box and look at things from a different angle to get the right perspective to make the right decisions and/or lead in the right direction.
Dear Dan,
I think leaders should express their feelings when they believe to get positive result in terms of behaviors, attitude and performance. They should express feelings when there is need to connect people or audience. They should know what they are going to achieve by expressing their feelings. They should express the feeling when there is a responsive and positive environment. They should stop expressing their feelings when environment and people around are not responsive. When they think that expressing feelings may have sarcastic reaction, then they should control their feelings.
Yes, I lead with feelings. I express feeling to show my uniqueness and win the argument and situations. I express my feeling to show that I am concerned about others development. I lead with my feelings in way that realizes others that I am not selfish and more concerned about my contribution that my personal achievement.
Feelings are an integral part of human existence. It is therefore important to acknowledge them, harness them, and use them to propel the vision of the organization.
However, the most critical issue is how the feelings are expressed. It is important to express goodwill in good measure, as much as reprimands flow the other way.
I teach new parents on the importance of disciplining in the development of children. It is important to discipline their children when they do wrong. However, meting out discipline in anger will be injurious to the child. This could be physical or emotional [or both].
The same, I believe, applies to leaders. Feelings, especially those negative, should be expressed in a controlled and concise manner. At all times, deal with the issue, not the person. This way, you will remain rational and hopefully ensure that things are “sorted out”. In addition, I will always ensure that I have the real facts to back it up.
After all is said and done, reestablishing relationships is key to a harmonious future.
Thanks for a timely post as I have a manager who have very little emotional control on the job. I’m going to have to think about how to share this with her as she is on edge right now.
Dan, this is a really important topic and one I think one that is best taught at the earliest of ages. I’ll take it anytime, but if we start teaching our kids these skills, then the workplace, politics, etc. are all better for it. This kind of thinking and regulating emotions helps promote tolerance & understanding.
I always distinguish between reaction & response. It’s okay to have a very strong, emotional reaction to something as long as it’s done in private. However, the response we put forward needs to be from a position of wanting to understand the motivation for the behavior, which means it needs to start from a place of rational investigation. A negative response after the facts is completely okay, if warranted. We just need to really understand what we are responding to before laying out the discipline.
The feeling is not defined by the leader but by those who are on the receiving end of his/her leadership
If you understand this, please explain to me what I just said……. because I’m not sure what it means and how I convert it into everyday life.
I’ve had both good and bad leaders. I myself have been a bad leader. I try every day to be a good leader. The perception and feelings of others counts for far more than any of my personal skills – I have learned this the hard way.
In fact, it seems to me that everything is quite logical. If you do not give in to emotions in a critical situation, then you keep a cool head. Thus, when others lose their temper or get lost in their background, you look like a person who has already found a solution to this problem. Everything is simple! https://seabedee.org/shop/