The 4 Unbreakable Rules of Giving Advice that People Actually Respect
Most advice-givers should be avoided.
You’re good at telling people what you think. But you’re confused if you think giving advice is the same as telling people what you think.
Skillful advice-givers accelerate the trajectory of individuals and teams.
The 4 unbreakable rules of giving advice people respect:
#1. Never rush to give advice.
I recently forgot the most important rule of advice-giving. Someone asked for advice and I gave it.
I’m always learning what I forgot I knew.
We’re so excited that someone cares about what we think that we start strutting and crowing like roosters when someone asks for our advice.
Be a fox, not a rooster, when it comes to giving advice.
The first rule of advice-giving is don’t rush to give advice.
A little humility goes a long way when it comes to advice-giving.
#2. Define the opportunity.
You’re not ready to offer advice until you shift from problem to opportunity.
You might say, “Here’s what I hear you saying. Do you think I understand the problem?”
What’s the opportunity?
#3. Redefine the challenge.
People often seek advice about changing others. The challenge is changing yourself.
Giving advice about how to change others is ridiculous.
Work with the person you’re talking with, not the person you’re talking about.
#4. Answer questions with questions.
5 questions to ask before giving advice to anyone:
- What do you want for yourself?
- What do you want for others?
- What do you want for relationships?
- What have you tried?
- How did it work?
When advice-seekers are weary of your queries, they aren’t ready for advice. Just ask them what they think they should do and advise them to go do that.
“Just tell me what you think,” is a warning. People who seek quick answers quickly judge your advice.
Anyone who hasn’t already tried to solve their problem is either wise, lazy, or afraid.
What frustrates you about advice-givers?
What rules for successful advice-giving might you add?
After material:
What I Learned from a Week of Advice-Seeking | Leadership Freak
Exposing god-like Advisers | Leadership Freak
Why People May Not Want Your Advice | Psychology Today
Good morning!
What frustrates you about advice-givers?
1. When it is given without being asked.
2. When it is given without being fully heard or listened to.
3. When it is disguised as criticism.
What rules for successful advice-giving might you add?
1. Be fully present and listen with a completely open mind.
2. Be humble in your approach – we do not have all the answers and sometimes the person seeking the advice already knows, they may just need some help navigating.
3. It is called feedback for a reason – feed the person something useful by helping them to discover a solution on his or her own. “Teach a person to fish…”
I sometimes struggle with humility, what advice would you give to seekers of advice?
Have a terrific Tuesday!
Joe
Wow Joseph what great suggestions.
One thing that helps me when seeking advice is using the plural. What suggestion(s) do you have? I’m seeking some option(s) for this situation. What advice do you have. I like to avoid the expectation that I’m going to do whatever an advice-giver offers.
Having said that, the advice that doesn’t sit well may be the best.
Love this idea of plural.
What frustrates you about advice-givers?
–When they give advice before they fully understand the problem or my goal.
What rules for successful advice-giving might you add?
Dan –in addition to what you stated, I also ask–What’s your goal? What have you tried? What happened? Why didn’t your approach work? What else might you try?
Thanks Paul. “What’s your goal?” Powerful add. Much appreciated.
I would also add check whether the person is looking for advice (undecided), looking to vent (already decided), or trying to pass the buck (decided not to). My husband has trained himself to stop giving suggestions, pause and say, “I am sorry to hear that. Please tell me more.” He’s an engineer and wants to give solutions, even though I am often just looking for a sympathetic ear.
I’m venturing out and saying if they don’t ask for it don’t offer it!
Advice is free for everyone accurate solutions takes on another course of action. I have often chosen the :”Its been my past experience this works well”, if being asked. If I wasn’t ask we can surmise they already know. However if your the leader you may want to ask if everyone is on board and understands the project/tasks at hand? Offers a bit of “CMA” when no one says anything and there is an issue at a later time..
WOW! Yet another blog perfectly aligned with my life. Thank you Dan! 🙂
Lately a friend has been asking for advice A LOT. A LOT A LOT. So when I read the heading of the blog my heart sank fearing if I had been messing up. So here are the things I have not been doing and learned from the blog:
1. Follow up. Take feedback after giving advice.
2. Hold on to urge of giving advice.
A few things which I do and need feedback on:
1. When I observe a change in behaviour I appreciate it without having the friend to bring it up.
2. When I am asked “Just tell me”, I give a solution with a raised the bar of intensity and will then ask, “What now? What will happen afterwards? What do you think the other person will do?”
I need to work on keeping my biases clear and will appreciate ADVICE for that. Please.
Thanks again Dan. God bless you!
A wise person once said “unsolicited advice is criticism.” I always try to keep that in mind!”
Thanks John. That’s good advice.
I know that I have had problems with trying to solve other peoples problems because they generally come back to blame you for bad advice when what they were thinking was in line with what advice I have given them. The use of questions to advice seekers is a great tool that will come in handy in future encounters. It also would be a good way for a leader to get a team member to truly critically think about a solution instead of just seeking someone else to tell them what to do.
Thanks Adam. I’ve learned that people who want you to tell them what to do often don’t want to take responsibility. It’s just easier to do what you’re told. Learning to quiet our inner solution-giver is a long-term challenge.
I wish you well in your education.
Adam, great comment! It seems like you are on a helpful track asking questions instead of just responding. Keep it up.
“I’m always learning what I forgot I knew.” Dan, I’m glad to see you and I are so much alike here. It encourages me that I am not the only one. I sure appreciate you!
Advising giving is like opinions that everyone is willing to give it and thinks their advice is always correct. The first rule of giving advice which is “Never rush to give advice” is great advice (see what I did there) but this a vital rule. We may not know the entire situation and sometimes are only getting one side of the story when someone is asking for advice. It is best to try and understand the entire situation and know you may not have all the facts. Sometimes people really do not want advice they just want to vent or find someone who agrees with them. The second rule of “Define the opportunity” and fourth of “Answer questions with questions” can help you understand the situation of the one seeking the advice. Do they really want an opportunity to change or fix something? The third rule of “Redefine the challenge” is best for the one asking the advice is to first look at a mirror.