How to Offend Christmas

Generosity, joy, and kindness seem easier during Christmas. If we could flush commercialism, it would be the most wonderful time of the year. Two things offend Christmas, artificial trees and white lights.

Authentic people have real trees. Everyone else insults mankind with fakery. The only thing worse than a fake Christmas tree is the double offense of a fake flocked Christmas tree. The first offense of an artificial Christmas tree is its pretending to be real. Adding fake snow is pretentious self-importance.

White lights offend the spirit of Christmas glaring with monotonous drudgery. Authentic people have colored lights on real trees. Bringing in the greens was a celebration of life in the darkness of winter. Fake trees insult life. They aren’t alive and never will be.

Trees are expensive in Pennsylvania this year. We have miles of forest and a gazillion evergreens, but one Christmas tree is a hundred bucks. I remember when dad and I trudged into the forest and came out with a real tree for free.

Christmas tree supply is, like many things, tight. Something about a disease a few years ago has created shortage. Picking a tree is like walking through Sam’s Club and seeing something you might need next month. You better get it because when they run out, that’s it.

Monday morning my wife did the unthinkable. She ordered an artificial tree. It arrived with commercial precision Tuesday morning. To add insult to injury, she purchased – with our hard-earned money – a flocked tree. I can’t even use the word Christmas to describe it.

The final offense is white lights look great on it.

What long-held beliefs have you let go?