Toxic Distraction: Tension On The Team
The problems we have with each other destroy us. External challenges invite teams to depend on each other. But we can’t rise when we beat each other down.
Healthy teams pull with, but strife escalates when ignored.
Turmoil diminishes when tension on the team finds resolution.
Healthy Tension On The Team:
Agree on the mission. When the mission isn’t clear, tactics don’t matter.
Disagreement about how to move forward strengthens teams. Arguments over where to go defeat us.
Confronting Tension On The Team:
The people we can’t confront run the team.
The actions we tolerate establish standards.
- Practice kind candor. Say what you see. Don’t blame, describe.
- Establish standards. “We treat each other ….” Describe expected behaviors. Illustrate unacceptable actions.
- Explain consequences. “What do we do when someone violates our standards?” Consequences reinforce culture.
Recently I coached a high-performing leader who is great at setting goals for results. But it’s time to set goals for relationships.
Build environments where people love showing up for work.
Describe Success:
“What would happen if things were going great?” Typically, people define success by results, but tension is rooted in behavior.
“What behaviors would we see if things were going great?” Imagine interactions that strengthen relationships and produce positive results.
Fill in the blank, “If things were going great, we would see….” If you can’t see it, don’t talk about it.
Which ideas in this post take priority in your view?
What should be added to this post?
Still curious:
Conversation Starters that Enable Conflict Resolution
6 Steps to Conflict Resolution in the Workplace
Dan,
I love the idea of –set goals for relationships.
Disagreements are an inevitable part of every relationship. When they occur, ask:
1. Where do we disagree? People usually disagree on one of these issues: goals, plans, priorities, responsibilities, or values. It is important to pinpoint exactly where you disagree.
2. What are the specific reasons for the disagreement? Have an open and honest discussion about the assumptions, beliefs, facts, and experiences that support each position. It requires asking good questions and listening to understand the reasoning.
3. What are the possible approaches to resolve the conflict? There are several.
• Compromise—Find a middle ground.
• Collaborate—Work together to generate creative solutions to satisfy both parties.
• Do an experiment—Try both approaches and compare results.
Powerful insights, Paul. Two of my favorites are do a trial run and your thoughts on the areas where people disagree: goals, plans, priorities, responsibilities, or values. Cheers
“Kind candor” nice phrase!
When I see my team use this (without my prompting) then I’ve achieved one of my measures for team healthiness. It shows the cultivation of the team’s healthy culture, that we (a) have built trust, (b) know how to respect each other, (c) and genuinely want the project to be as good as we can make it.
Peggy Lynn
“Kind Candor”, What is it, and how do we achieve it? Sounds like a lesson for Dan to share with us!
Hi Tim, Hope you are well. It might be easier to read, Kim Scott’s book, Radical Candor. 🙂 https://amzn.to/4hA9aiS
Hi Peggy Lynn. Love what you’re adding. Trust building isn’t part of this post, but it’s foundational to solving tensions on the team. Your focus on trust is important. Best
What are a few examples of “set goals for relationships”?
Thank you.
Hi Joe, Thanks for asking. Relationship-driven goals might include, setting a goal for 1:1s, establishing cross-team mentorships, committing to 3 specific expressions of gratitude every day, learning the names of the families of team members, or having managers listen to one formative story from each team member.
You could also learn everyone’s top three skills and explore ways to optimize their contribution.
You can’t force anyone to connect. You can engage in behaviors that make it more likely. The ideas listed above could apply to managers and leaders AND individual team members.
Thanks for asking. Hope you are well.
Thanks Dan – I appreciate the distinction between Toxic Distraction and Healthy Tension. I found your statement to “Agree on the mission. When the mission isn’t clear, tactics don’t matter.” and a focus on how to move forward vs. where to go to be most helpful.
Some teams sound like they may be arguing or getting heated… yet will bend over backwards for one another. A red flag is teams that “never have conflict”… everything looks good on the surface, but not under.
When building teams, leaders set the tone of the culture. Avoidance of issues can lead to a false sense of performance when nothing is addressed. An overemphasis of issue can destroy trust. The balance can be difficult to achieve… but is worth the effort it takes.
Hi Ryan, I’m thankful you chimed in today. Great point. The absence of healthy conflict is destructive over the long-term. Unhealthy conflict is only useful when we use it to learn how to disagree skillfully.
A leader who avoids tough issues teaches everyone on the team to do the same.