5 Ways to Express Empathy Like a Leader
Feeling bad isn’t always bad. Stretching yourself creates uncertainty. Tough issues cause discomfort. Learning new skills calls for courage.
The purpose of empathy is empowerment.
Destructive empathy:
- Hinders self-reliance.
- Lowers standards.
- Blocks progress.
- Accepts blame-shifting.
- Promotes irresponsibility.
- Focuses on weakness.
- Reinforces avoidance.
The purpose of empathy:
The purpose of empathy is restoring resolve, not excusing weakness.
Healthy empathy energizes action. Unhealthy empathy excuses defeat. Supporting people is beautiful when it promotes resilience. It’s harmful when it prolongs weakness.
Focus on strengths when expressing empathy. Our inclination to fixate on struggles and pain is only half the equation.
Expect adults to act with maturity. When empathy prolongs immaturity, it insults potential. Sometimes adults need support. They don’t need permission to avoid responsibility. It’s not helpful to excuse destructive behavior.
Empathy plus accountability respects people. Reject blame shifting. Point out a victim’s mindset.
5 ways to express empathy like a leader:
Empathy begins with understanding struggle and ends with a call to action.
- It’s OK to feel uncertain. ____ What’s your plan for dealing with it?
- I can see that you’re upset. ____ How can I support you as you move forward?
- I see this is challenging. ____ It’s your job to move forward with this. What will help?
- I care about you. ____ I believe you can step up. What’s next?
- I care about you enough to be honest. ____ What’s happening isn’t working, and it’s time to make a change.
(Provide context and compassion to the beginnings and endings listed above.)
When people struggle to do their job, enabling them to avoid responsibility isn’t the answer. Avoid help that enables helplessness.
Note: This post isn’t about personal tragedies when people need relief from responsibilities.
What does destructive empathy look like?
How can leaders express empathy that empowers?
Being Empathetic is Good, But it Can Hurt Your Health (Washington Post)
Isn’t the purpose of empathy–understanding. Asking questions and listening to determine what the person is thinking and feeling. Once that’s clear you move into a coaching, supporting, or problem solving role.
Leaders believe in people and have a growth mind set. They never say or do things that support people being victims. Leaders emphasize that people need to be responsible and taking action.
Ask the person to identify the changes and actions that will begin to improve the situations. Helping people clarify what they can control and not control is also helpful.
Destructive empathy supports people staying the victim role.
Thanks for a thoughtful response, Paul. When empathy is viewed as a discreet act it makes sense for it to be about understanding feelings. I think determining what people think is a bit too cerebral.
When it comes to friends, understanding feelings is enough. We can say, I understand how you feel because we want people to feel comfort – that someone is with them.
From a leadership viewpoint, empathy is part of a process. I see you embracing that idea in your comment. The discreet goal of empathy is one thing. The ultimate goal for leaders is to help people flourish so they can maximize their contribution.
Robin Stern said, “When someone feels seen and heard by you, they begin to trust you.” I suppose we could add, the purpose of empathy is building trust.
The problem I see on some teams and in some leaders is viewing empathy as an end in itself. Thanks again for your insights.
I like how the “5 ways to express” create dialogue and still leaves the responsibility to ultimately determine a way forward on the individual. Because of my personality and my tendency to want to be a fixer for others, it would be easy for me to just analyze and push them in a direction I chose (hindering their own creativity and reliance).
At what point would empathy become compassion in leadership context?
It’s a pleasure to be useful, Brent. You notice an important idea in those sample expressions of empathy with a leadership outlook. It’s so easy to start doing other people’s jobs for them, especially when you enjoy being helpful. Empathy goes astray when it allows irresponsibility to become a habit.
Your question about compassion reminded me of something Adam Grant said, “What the world needs more than sympathy and empathy is compassion.”
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone.
Empathy is feeling sorry with someone. (It can include intellectual understanding. You might not know exactly how someone feels, but you have similar experiences to inform your understanding.)
Compassion is showing up to help.
Sympathy – I’m sorry you have to move.
Empathy – I know it feels painful to have to move. I’ve been there too. It sucks.
Compassion – I’ll be there at 10 with my pickup truck.
“Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone.
Empathy is feeling sorry with someone. (It can include intellectual understanding. You might not know exactly how someone feels, but you have similar experiences to inform your understanding.)
Compassion is showing up to help.
Sympathy – I’m sorry you have to move.
Empathy – I know it feels painful to have to move. I’ve been there too. It sucks.
Compassion – I’ll be there at 10 with my pickup truck.”
Excellent commentary – thank you for these words.