Why Your Advice Doesn’t Work
A recent conversation was part coaching, part advice. I asked, “Which part was most energizing?” He said, “When you were coaching.”
It’s humbling to know people enjoy their own thoughts more than mine.
How to help people think for themselves:
Input is distracting when situations call for self-reflection.
Guiding someone to discover their own thinking builds confidence and enthusiasm.
- Ask questions that begin with “what” or “how.” Resist the urge to explain.
- Connect to identity. “What do people like you do in this kind of situation?”
- Bring values to the conversation. “What decision will make you feel consistent with your values?” Or “What values are at play in this situation?”
- Make room for silence.
- Explain what you see and hear them saying, so they can hear their own ideas.
- Invite elaboration by saying, “Tell me more,” or “What else?”
- Encourage journaling.
- Focus on the process. Let go of perfect solutions.
When to offer advice:
Coaching builds ownership. Good advice still plays a role.
The voice of experience matters most when:
- Time is short.
- Action is urgent.
- Inexperience increases the danger of failure.
Be a sought-after adviser:
- Challenge or confirm direction.
- Inspire confidence.
- Expose blind spots.
- Calm strong emotion.
- Clarify issues.
- Protect from unnecessary calamity.
- Propel people forward.
4 Principles:
Keep these principles in mind.
#1. Don’t rescue.
#2. Stay curious longer.
#3. Relax your enthusiasm to share your wisdom.
#4. Listen deeply.
Illustration:
Suppose you’re helping someone prep for their first presentation.
Begin with coaching: “Think about the best presentations you’ve seen. What stood out about the presenter? The content? Why did it work?”
Once they’ve explored their ideas, say: “I’ve given great and terrible presentations. Want a few tips that might help?”
Power Tip: Your questions matter more than your answers.
How do you decide when to coach and when to give advice?
What advice-giving tip do you have?
The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice HBR
Today’s post really reminds me of the differences between mentoring and coaching. A mentor (usually from the organization and untrained) is more likely to lead with advice. In contrast, a trained coach from outside the organization is more likely to ask growth-oriented questions to help the leader grow into the position or responsibility.
It’s important to appreciate this distinction. A mentor needs some kind of relevant experience. But I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to coach an astronaut.
I really, really appreciate this post. In education we have a tendency to “advise” too much. We can see what the student needs and if only they would just listen to us! The process to respond to the coaching questions leads students on the path they will follow through on – not the path WE think they should follow.
So true, Heidi. My default approach is fixing. Advising and fixing walk hand in hand. We’re on the right path when we stifle the urge to advice and make space for others to craft their way forward. It takes self-awareness and intention.
Coach when you want to explore someone’s mindset. Uncover the assumptions, beliefs, and experiences driving their current behavior.
Instruct when you want to improve a behavior or skill. Show them how to do it differently or demonstrate a more effective approach.
It’s important to remember that giving instruction is a good thing in the right context. Too often it’s the default approach to everything.
Dan, this is great. Your comments remind me of two of my favorite books, both by Michael Bungay Stanier: “The Coaching Habit” and “The Advice Trap.” I have shared them with many coaching clients. Just this week I gave a copy of “The Coaching Habit” to an executive who loves to give advice; I explained to him that when he offers advice, he does not create space for his direct reports to grow!
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