Disarm Defensive People

Defensive people resist growth. They deny, deflect, and justify.

You offend them when you offer help. Leaders suffer disappointment.

Defensiveness protects self-image. Arguments threaten it.

Defensive People Says

• “I just did what you told me.”
• “I wasn’t trained for this.”
• “Why are you singling me out?”
• “I’m doing the best I can.”
• “You should have stepped in.”

Don’t Say

• “You misunderstood.”
• “That’s not what happened.”
• “You’re being defensive.”
• “You missed the point.”

Self-protective people attack when cornered.

Debate validates defensiveness.

Don’t argue about the past. Coach for tomorrow.

Invite reflection.

Dance with Defensive People

Shift people from self-protection to self-reflection.

Build ownership with curiosity.

• Walk me through your thinking.
• What were you hoping would happen?
• I hear that others let you down. What part of this belongs to you?
• What did you learn about yourself?
• What did you learn about succeeding?
• What will you do differently next time?
• I’m glad you tried to do good. What actually happened?
• What specific roadblocks tripped you up?
• What are your frustrations telling you?
• We all tell ourselves stories. What story are you telling yourself about this?

Don’t win arguments. Equip people.

When someone becomes defensive, what’s your first reaction?

10 Ways to Defeat the Evil Monster of Defensiveness – Leadership Freak

How to Communicate with a Defensive Person (Without Escalating the Conflict) – Center for Marriage and Relationships