Cure Chronic Help-Seekers
The self-sufficient are doomed. Everyone needs help. But, habitual dependency turns daily responsibilities into requests for help.
Chronic help-seekers transfer ownership to supporters.
Don’t reward those who choose assistance over empowerment.
The goal of help is more than comfort. It’s capability.
Understand Chronic Help-Seekers
#1. Validation
They repeatedly ask:
- What do you think?
- Am I doing this right?
- Are you sure?
They obsess over…
- Praise.
- Recognition.
- Signs of approval.
Prediction: Criticism has disproportionate impact.
#2. Reliance
They cling to:
- Mentors.
- Supportive leaders.
- Well-connected colleagues.
Prediction: They migrate toward helpers.
#3. Decisions
Chronic dependency drives delay. Consensus-seeking dominates all decision-making.
Prediction: As stakes rise, ownership wavers.
#4. Challenge
Habitual help-seekers frequently explain:
- Why something is so difficult.
- What obstacles exist.
- Why additional help is needed.
Prediction: Complaints precede requests. New challenges trigger new requests for help.
The Power of Trajectory
Seeking support is healthy.
The issue is what happens after help is given.
Trajectory reveals reality.
Healthy support-seekers:
- Ask for help.
- Learn.
- Apply what they learn.
- Own responsibilities.
- Take initiative.
Expect people to fulfill their responsibilities. When they consistently can’t, retrain, reassign, or remove.
7 Questions To Ask Chronic Help-Seekers
- How does this support increase your capacity?
- What have you already tried?
- Who is responsible for this?
- What do you think is the next best step?
- What have you learned from previous experiences?
- What resources do you already have?
- How will you know you’re ready to handle this yourself?
Chronic help-seekers flourish around habitual rescuers.
The goal of helping is enabling, not more helping.
How can leaders help in helpful ways?
3 Signs You’re Offering Destructive Support
The Goal of Helping Is Enabling, Not More Helping
Read: Multipliers by Liz Wiseman
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Hi Dan,
May I add one more – micromanagement or lack of authority leaves employees unsure what they are ‘allowed’ to do. If every decision is nit-picked, they will develop the defense of checking each step to avoid the slapdown. In workplaces where management changes or rotates, this issue has even more dimension. I faced this on employee side and developed an ‘ I intend to do (say, reply as flw, etc) _________ . It helps but nothing is as good as having definite knowledge that it’s OK to handle it until a clearly definted point.
Bon weekend to all, Cate
Thanks for adding your insights, Cate. It’s hard to find anything good about micromanagement. Distrust is slow.
I learned the “I intend to” method from Ret. Capt. David Marquet who wrote, Turn the Ship Around. https://amzn.to/4phX423
People are afraid of failure, which leads to paralysis. They are unable to make a decision because they are convinced they are going to make the wrong one. Have an honest conversation about what how likely a catastrophic failure really is. Remind the person that they are capable of doing the work without needing constant handholding.
Thanks Jennifer. Clarity leads to confidence.
Do less telling or providing the solution and do more asking questions that require them to define the problem and the action they will take. It increases their confidence and capabilities.
The coaching approach is designed to empower and enable. It centers on keeping the ball in the right court.