Frustration is a good thing?
Frustration, dissatisfaction, disappointment, and discontent are good things, in the face of mediocrity.
I’ll concede that contentment is usually better than frustration. It expresses self-confidence, self-knowledge, and acceptance of the way things are.
On the other hand, I love seeing frustration. I don’t rush to end it. I love it when a project leader is frustrated that things aren’t just right. Frankly, if you aren’t frustrated, I’m frustrated you’ve accepted mediocrity. Passion creates frustration.
3 reasons leaders feel frustration
- Leaders lean toward being control freaks. Trying to control things is frustrating. Yes, I know the only thing I can control is me. I keep telling myself that but somehow it doesn’t always sink in.
- Working to change things is seldom easy and often frustrating.
- When you’re passionate about excellence it’s disappointing to miss it.
I know it’s not popular to confess dissatisfaction and frustration. I know I should have more self-confidence, calmness, and contentment. But I’m not where some think I should be. Frankly, I share their assessment. Sometimes I find my lack of contentment frustrating.
6 ways to deal with frustration
- Shift from I don’t like to I want.
- Shift from the past to the future.
- Focus on what not who.
- Speak your frustrations in safe environment. A friend may help you realize you’re out of balance.
- Frequently stop and celebrate small wins.
- Don’t express disappointment in the heat of the moment. Your outbursts cause people to protect themselves from you.
How do you respond when things aren’t going as well as you hoped?
Great post, Dan – I’m going through one of those frustrating times right now so it really hits home. In the midst of a project that is going off the rails, I focus on working with the team to get it back on track. No finger-pointing or blame, just pulling together to get things right. Once that’s done, we will review how things got to where they did and focus on key learnings so everyone can take away something valuable for next time.
Hi Leslie,
Thanks for your comment. Love how you mention, “no finger pointing.” It’s so easy to fall into that unproductive trap.
Enjoy,
Dan
While I agree that to a point frustration can be good and can motivate us to change our thinking or improve our processes,it can also cause us to make some pretty bad decisions as well. The key has to be in how we respond to the frustration, and our level of leadership in making changes. For those not at the top of the food chain, frustration without outlet can have drastic outcomes. Good post.
Hi Dan, thank goodness – I thought it was just me! I agree Frustration is a sure sign of the passion and striving. You must have an escape valve, inthe old days for me it was simply exercise which acted as meditation, I also find having on eor two trusted allies is good – provided you don’t overstay your welcome and make that the only topic. I was amazed how my stress levesl rose recetnly when my ‘escape valve” was out of reach in another time zone. I eternally question things , and for the frustrated amongst us i think that is both a blessing and a problem; so for me containing the furstration/ those things we question, is an eternal challenge – hell I even get into trouble for taking Chrissy’s hard-boiled egg of the stove at 8 minutes – when she was bought up beleiving it was 8!
Go well, Richard
Damn – when she was brought up beliveing it was 10, not 8, not 8, 10!
Croadie,
The 8/10 … 10 not 8 thing made me chuckle. Frustrating to get something wrong.. 😉 jk
Thanks for sharing your experiences with a safety valve. So true!
Best to you,
Dan
If you think of it, please send me updated info for your profile… dan @ leadershipfreak (dot) com
Cheers Dan, will do. 10 out of 8 times 🙂
Nice post, Dan. I’ve found that frustration is often a sign that our assumptions are wrong.
Wally,
You sure brought some powerful truth in a short comment! In one sentence you force us to look within rather than at others.
Best regards,
Dan
If you avoid frustration you’ll never try anything hard, and you’ll never stretch your wings and grow. You hit this nail right on the head, Dan — our kids are taught in school to be way to mellow about failure, and to accept mediocrity. You won’t ever have that feeling of having accomplished something tough if you don’t learn to work through and positively channel frustration.
I get hyperfocused when things are not going the way I want them to go. Unsolved problems and frustration just BEG for attention, and I have trouble focusing on anything else. That sometimes means I don’t step away from the problem long enough or far enough to see it’s causes and potential solutions. Your comment about not wanting frustration to go away too quickly is well taken here at my house. And in my office. Thanks, Dan.
Dear Dan,
Accept and not expect. THis is the way I respond to the situation against my wish and desire. I accept it in present form and do not blame anyone for it. Rather I introspect and try to put more effort and minimise my expectation. Frustration increases when we expect more and put less effort. I usually put more effort and expect less. At the same time, I also control my expecation and ready for pessimistic senario.
Frurstration increases when we try to control the situations, people or evnets. Also, frustration increases when we want to achieve more in less time. Frustration also increases when we do not accept failure. Frustration also increases when we speak more to hide our shortcomings and do not allow others to talk.
Frustration is good as long as we are authentic and willing to accept the rejection or failure. frustration is good when we learn from our experience. Frustration is good when it energises more, directs more, focuses more towards our goal. I think as long as frustration brings positive effort in us, it is good otherwise it is not.
Nicely put Ajay. Frustration is a sure sginal that somerhitng has to be chnaged or ‘put right’. “…when it energises more, directs more, focuses more towards the goal” I am constantly trying to drag my frustration behemoth in that direction! Best, Richard
We should all learn to transform frustration into the push to strive and do even better. Things not always end up the way a leader wants, but this doesn’t mean we necessarily did something wrong. Every small defeat can be fertile ground for a new bigger win.
Dan, Another great one!!!! Its like Jim Collins say in “Good to Great” the biggest inhibitor to be great is being good. Good can very easily be the same a mediocrity. Cheer, Howie
How do you respond when things aren’t going as well as you hoped?
I think it’s safe to say 100% of your readers will have experienced frustration at some point, so I am anticipating lots of comments today!
I think there is a lot of useful truth in the thoughts you have shared today, Dan. Without the frustration of not being “where we want to be,” we lack the momentum to try harder.
Anyone who has ever watched an infant try to figure out how to roll over, crawl, walk, or hit any of the typical milestones knows how torturous it is for them to come oh so close and be foiled. But the triumph on their faces when they reach the goal is blinding!
I think the flip side of this discussion is, for me at least, that I need to recognize frustration as a temporary “blip” not as a terminal “block.” It is easy to let fatalistic thinking get a foot in the door, led by frustration, and to discontinue things that could ultimately turn out GREAT.
I was listening to a StoryCorps story this weekend:
http://storycorps.org/listen/stories/noe-rueda-and-alex-fernandez/
The story was about a young man who grew up in extreme poverty. As the oldest of 4 children, he sold discarded cleaning products from a nearby factory’s castoffs, at the age of 8, to help support the family. He is now going to college on scholarship. His high school teacher, who conducted the interview, said, “I have seen so many kids rise from really tough situations, get almost there, and then quit. I want to interview you again in 10 years, find out you are succeeding professionally, happy personally, and didn’t give up.” I am sure this young man will experience frustration along the way, but I am hopeful that his passion for an education (and the support he is receiving) will get him there.
I think that kid has every possibility of, as you recommend, “shifting from the past into the future.” None of us have excuses to do any less.
Wow Paula, I’ve been looking for an important puzzle piece in my mind for so long and you gave it to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You mentioned that frustration was not a “terminal block”.
I’ve been studying image coaching for over 3 years now because I want to start a business. I have a lot of material I’ve put together for workshops and seminars. To help myself with my own “image”, I’ve been using meditation(through Holosync with Bill Harris, which has done wonders in just 4 weeks), along with prayer and study.
I own up to my own thoughts, words and actions, but I kept feeling like there was a “great wall” for a long long time. While I was using some techniques in a study guide from Holosync, I read your comment and it came to me: My wall is a wall of frustration or what I have been looking at as a “terminal block”! But I’ve been thinking frustration is a negative thing, trying to push it down, now I see that it’s a good thing! Thank you also to Dan for this post! Sure takes a lot of pressure off.
Ahh, so nice to be in my happy place, no worries, nothing needs to be done, I can kick back…maybe take a nap or two or three…
(scratching sound at the door) What is that?
I am in my happy place and there’s ever loudening scratching sound at my door. Ignore it, maybe it will go away…oh, geez, now it’s seeping under the door too…arggh it’s the ‘behemoth frustration’ leaning in on my happy place door.
Two choices ignore it or lean into it…but I don’t wanna, I was so comfortable, so sleepy, nothing to do…
Wait, now the behemoth is in the my place formerly known as ‘happy’ and it looks a little too familiar…oh no, it’s holding up a mirror to me…arrgh!! What do you mean, ‘what is my role in this complacency?’ Now I AM on edge and getting ticked. Oh, that’s right, I remember when I was driving/striving/energizing…what happened?
“I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must do.” -L. daVinci
I couldn’t agree more. There is nothing like feeling frustrated with a situation to inspire a leader to think outside the box and come up with creative solutions. It really is all about shifting one’s perspective from victim (which creates anger on top of frustration and can lead to depression) to innovator. Fantastic post!
I find I fall back to #4) speaking your frustrations – aka venting – in a safe place.
Part of this is because of my background in sales and customer service where I had to create the safe place for a customer to express their frustrations about some past poor experience. Then we could discuss WHAT they WANT and WHEN.
Wow – tough stuff! Asking people not to be emotional a work is hard especially when they are passionate about what they do. You make a good point about shifting your mindset to what you want in the furture. Too many managers focus on the here and now instead of the overall big picture.
I have been finding lately that when things get a little frustrating it helps to write about the problem and solution. It’s almost magical how quickly my luck seems to change!
Dear Dan,
An interesting and thought-provoking post on frustration. It is good to certain extent to re-energize and re-focus on unfulfilled plans. However, it’s a natural phenomena and difficult to control the disturbed moments caused due to the faulty behavior of people, unforeseen events and/or social causes beyond one’s control.
The best solution in such cases will be to remain calm, go for a long walk, listen to music or visit the temple for prayer to seek peace.
Good post Dan.
As usual, to the point and very rich.
Also avoiding frustration, and keep telling yourself “I’m not the one who should be frustrated” get an opposite results.
Realizing the fact that I’m a human, and I can be frustrated, and it’s something shouldn’t cause me feel any shame, is the first step towards managing this frustration, and control it to produce more passion and more success.
Thanks again Dan for this great post.
I stumbled upon your blog from someone in my network recently and have enjoyed reading your posts. I think you articulated what I so often feel. Frustration is totally driven by my passion to be more than mediocre. Its also driven by my ridiculously high sense of urgency to get things done now. I have found one thing to help with this.I focus on resetting my timeframe for those expectations to focus on the small steps towards progress we are making. Usually my time frame and the rest of the world are way out of wack.
Thanks for adding to the conversation and sharing your story…