How to Get What You Want Without Being a Jerk

Jerks put their needs ahead of yours. The message of aggression is “Me first.” But servant leaders put others first.

Aggressive jerk-leaders live in fear – the fear that they won’t get what they want.

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It takes more courage to own what you want than to fight against what you don’t want.

10 ways to be an aggressive jerk-leader:

  1. Feel superior. Leverage the power of title. You deserve it.
  2. Focus on things you don’t want and don’t like.
  3. Let yourself feel pushed around until you feel the need to push back.
  4. Begin sentences with “You!” Make it about others.
  5. Expect others to meet your needs while you neglect theirs.
  6. Give direction without explanation.
  7. Feel sorry for yourself because things are harder than expected.
  8. Forget about purpose and meaning.
  9. Focus on small behaviors, forget the big picture.
  10. Make life easy for yourself and difficult for others.

Nagging anger indicates you’re stuck in what you don’t want.

10 ways to get what you want:

  1. Forget about controlling others. They control themselves.
  2. Start with why it matters. Have purpose-driven conversations on purpose.
  3. Allow what you want to motivate your behaviors. Aggressive behaviors usually focus on what you don’t want.
  4. Monitor your emotions. Frustration and anger in you feels like aggression to them. Lower your voice when you feel like raising it. Influence is quieter than you think.
  5. Address violations before you’re angry. Anger-fueled behaviors are aggressive. Jerk-leaders wait too long.
  6. Stand up for your values with courtesy, even when others don’t deserve courtesy. Jerk-leaders rationalize rudeness.
  7. Make it personal. Begin sentences with “I.” Own it.
  8. Explore solutions. Don’t announce the way things are going to be. One-sided announcements inspire disengagment.
  9. Clarify long-term goals before focusing on short-term behaviors.
  10. Strength is seen in kindness; weakness in abuse.

Bonus: Help others reach their goals.

What negative behaviors do you see in jerk-leaders?

How do you work toward getting what you want?