How to Get What You Want Without Being a Jerk
Jerks put their needs ahead of yours. The message of aggression is “Me first.” But servant leaders put others first.
Aggressive jerk-leaders live in fear – the fear that they won’t get what they want.
It takes more courage to own what you want than to fight against what you don’t want.
10 ways to be an aggressive jerk-leader:
- Feel superior. Leverage the power of title. You deserve it.
- Focus on things you don’t want and don’t like.
- Let yourself feel pushed around until you feel the need to push back.
- Begin sentences with “You!” Make it about others.
- Expect others to meet your needs while you neglect theirs.
- Give direction without explanation.
- Feel sorry for yourself because things are harder than expected.
- Forget about purpose and meaning.
- Focus on small behaviors, forget the big picture.
- Make life easy for yourself and difficult for others.
Nagging anger indicates you’re stuck in what you don’t want.
10 ways to get what you want:
- Forget about controlling others. They control themselves.
- Start with why it matters. Have purpose-driven conversations on purpose.
- Allow what you want to motivate your behaviors. Aggressive behaviors usually focus on what you don’t want.
- Monitor your emotions. Frustration and anger in you feels like aggression to them. Lower your voice when you feel like raising it. Influence is quieter than you think.
- Address violations before you’re angry. Anger-fueled behaviors are aggressive. Jerk-leaders wait too long.
- Stand up for your values with courtesy, even when others don’t deserve courtesy. Jerk-leaders rationalize rudeness.
- Make it personal. Begin sentences with “I.” Own it.
- Explore solutions. Don’t announce the way things are going to be. One-sided announcements inspire disengagment.
- Clarify long-term goals before focusing on short-term behaviors.
- Strength is seen in kindness; weakness in abuse.
Bonus: Help others reach their goals.
What negative behaviors do you see in jerk-leaders?
How do you work toward getting what you want?
Knowing what is wanted and understanding how to get what is wanted are key issues.
Trying to stay clear of I when your dealing with a group can be difficult when your expected to lead, somewhere it does come down to I if we are selfish or strong minded(Not all Bad) just need to get the whole picture so everyone see the same vision. I’m unsure about the “jerk label” judging a jerk and being a jerk , everyone has a shoe that fits, hopefully your not the jerk! Fulfill for others and give for all!
“Start with why it matters”
To whom? Trying to lead randomly selected groups of people in a disconnected, unengaged organisation, I hit up against this. It matters to the organisations, it matters to me, but it certainly doesn’t matter to them. Whether it succeeds or fails will have no discernable impact on their lives. If it succeeds, they’ll be shunted to the next project they have no interest or ownership in. If it fails, they’ll be shunted to the next project they have no interest or ownership in. I’m the only one it matters to, and they know it!
I am currently going to school so that I can take in some of this great advice and put it to use. Do you have any advice on dealing with “jerk leaders”?
I think one way to get what one wants without being jerk is to question oneself. One should question how one can get without being jerk. One should also ask, why one need be jerk to get something. These questions may explore some hidden truth behind one’s intention. I agree and appreciate your point that jerk manage themselves. And they use “Fear” as their means to manage. Fear is prevalent in them. Fear is the way to life. Fear is the best possible means for them to achieve their ends.
This is the negative behavior in jerk-leaders. They are self-centric. They want to get what they want on the cost of anything. But, they want others to lose. I believe getting what I want by making honest and committed effort. I believe in using right and acceptable means. I strongly believe that means determines who is jerk and who is not jerk. Jerk-leaders have short term focus and whereas those who believe in hard work and dedication have bigger goals.
communicate expectations clearly in advance. that helps people understand consequences and act accordingly.
Bonus: Help others reach their goals. Love that line Dan.
I am sure this resonates with a lot of people as we have seen this leadership before. I know I have been a jerk-leader at times, but we begin to understand how we need to forget about controlling others and share the vision. As Michael Hyatt has shared the “Vision Bucket” has holes and we must constantly refill it! Thanks Dan!
Great post and because of your reasons listed, I had to step away from anger in management to save my marriage. One of the best decisions I ever made.
There are 2 ways that I work toward what I want:
1) take it slow. Moving too fast, especially with people, is often perceived as aggression. Patience is a leadership asset.
2) Seek out models where you can learn specific skills and pathways. Anthony Robbins wrote about this idea in his books and it has great merit.
Clarify long-term goals before focusing on short-term behaviors.
This is a great point. Leaders can’t accurately identify and address shortcomings in teams until goals are set and movement toward them is made. Engaged, hands on leaders will observe where tweaking the behavior or methods of individuals or the team is needed.