Solution Saturday: Punched in the Gut
Sometimes life punches you in the gut.
Good Day Dan!
How do you feel comfortable letting go when you are being forced to move down your life path – when you didn’t think you were ready?
(Name withheld.)
This question is a response to, “Simple Strategies to Tap the Power of Letting Go.”
10 things to do when punched in the gut:
- Feel the pain. You might say, “I’m OK,” in public, but not to yourself and trusted friends. It’s a rejection of yourself to pretend it doesn’t hurt when it does.
- Accept responsibility. You aren’t perfect. You made mistakes. Did you put all your eggs in one basket, for example?
- Focus on who you want to be, more than disappointment with others. Make yourself proud.
- Trust your ability to learn, grow and adapt.
- When have you displayed grit in the past?
- What positive qualities emerged as you pressed through?
- How are you better today?
- What do past patterns teach you?
- Clarify what you want. It’s easy to get lost in what we don’t want.
- What types of service energize you?
- What advice would you give others, who are in your situation?
- Where might your strengths make positive difference in the world?
- Find trusted allies; reach beyond close friends, who are often too affirming.
- A coach who asks great questions.
- A mentor with similar experiences, who listens well.
- A leader you admire.
- Forgive. Draw a line and let go of the past. Forgiveness is a process, not a once and done.
- Forgive yourself. There can be a dark negative voice in our heads that keeps telling us we are losers.
- Have forward facing conversations. Circle the black hole for a short time, then stop.
- Listen to the darkness. Ask this dark situation, “What do you want from me?” Listen for lessons and learning that expand capacity and opportunity.
What’s important to remember, when life punches you in the gut?
We are all going to get punched in the gut at some time in our life. It is inevitable. So first, we should not be surprised. And second, we must know that these events are great opportunities to grow. But we must be willing to learn from them and write the right questions. Thanks for a great list of pointers and questions to remember when the left hook of life catches us off guard!
Thanks Jay. “Don’t be surprised.” I think the surprise of it is disorienting. You’re doing your best and pow! It hits you. Fasten your seat belt. You’re in for a ride.
Dear Dan,
Liked the post and frank talks.
It’s a matter of accepting the challenge of not bowing down to the defeat and bouncing back with new fortified energy and sustained focus efforts. The feeling of nervousness can lead to finding out the real reasons of failure and making up your mind not to repeat such mistakes.
Patience, perseverance and new approach of tackling the difficult issues are the keys to the desired success.
Thanks Dr. Asher. I feel encouragement in the expression, “accept the challenge of not bowing down to the defeat.”
The other idea that jumps off the page for me is, “new approach.” Perseverance is powerful when we stay focused on the big goal and adapt as we go. But, if we don’t adapt, perseverance is harmful.
Fully in agreement! Adaption to a new situation with greater confidence can be the key for success, Confident leaders usually don’t give up and set an example of succeeding by not repeating the same mistakes!
Thank you for this, Dan.
One of the best things we can do when “punched in the gut” is to accept where we are and to “roll with the punch”. The grieving, angst, and resulting loss of effectiveness that problem produce can be greatly reduced by accepting what we’ve been given, good and bad, and moving on. This doesn’t mean stifling grief or minimizing hurt, but building on it.
Joni Eareckson was a lovely 17 year old in the prime of her life in a loving upper middle class family. Her future seemed bright – until she broke her neck in a diving accident and became a quadriplegic. Her autobiography recounts her despair, followed by acceptance of her new condition as a gift that she could build on. Now 65, Joni is not a talking head, but the center of a marvelous ministry.
The apostle Paul wrote “in everything give thanks” from a prison cell. He said “I’ve learned to be content in all things”. He was cold, hungry, beaten, stoned, in chains, shipwrecked, maligned, abandoned by friends, yet never swayed from his mission. In fact, he wrote to the Romans that he rejoiced in tribulation, not as a masochist, but as a person who knew that tribulation produces patience, experience and hope, based in the loving character of his God.
In my own life, I’ve watched my dad work his way through supporting my mom through a serious illness. He is now fighting his own losing battle through cancer, chemotherapy, and aging. He is very limited in what he can do physically, but his leadership by example shouts loudly. He is content. He is just as content with his present limitations as he was when he was a younger, healthy man. Dad is not optimistic, not pessimistic, but pragmatically realistic. He is content to accept what he has and work with that.
What does contentment and acceptance to do with leadership? Contentment doesn’t mean apathy, blind optimism, resignation to fate, or complacency. Contentment rises from acceptance of what we have, good or bad, and stewardship of what we’ve been given to produce a return on investment for our Creator.
Paul’s contentment allowed him to literally change his world, without money, internet, or the sword, and despite sending years in jail. He was simply focused on his mission and the good of those he led.
When I was 11 years old, I heard Corrie Ten Boom, a survivor of Nazi concentration camps, tell us how she and others in her cabin found solace in living in a flea and lice -infested cabin. It was so infested that the Nazi guards didn’t assault them. She was hungry, miserable, cold, and itching/burning from insect bites, yet was content.
My dad’s contentment has deeply influenced me. I’m currently living with my own “punch in the gut”, yet learning to accept it, largely because of his example and support of my spouse and family.
Are you a leader? Learn to be content, while acknowledging your weakness. It will transform you, remove the shackles of angst and grieving over what might have been, and allow you to deal with reality. More than that, your life will be a living example with more influence than you could ever achieve by simply surfing the crest of easy living.
Thanks Marc,
I can see you’ve learned a lot about contentment. I love your statement, “Contentment doesn’t mean apathy, blind optimism, resignation to fate, or complacency.”
The thought of just rolling over and playing dead drives me crazy. But, we can’t move forward until we accept what is.
Thanks, Dan. When we are content with our present, having learned from our past but not being paralyzed by it, we are free to pursue our mission fully engaged and unimpeded. Contentment implies thankfulness and acceptance of who we are and what we’re experiencing, allows for objectivity and maximum utilization of resources with minimal unnecessary fear. Being content means being liberated to move forwards. It is the farthest thing possible from rolling over and playing dead.
Love that feeling of freedom that is behind your response. When we don’t learn, adapt, and grow from the past, we are bound to it.
Thanks Dan. I needed that.reminder. 🙂
Thanks Anne. Best for the journey.
Great list of suggestions, Dan. I particularly note #4 (Trust your ability to learn, grow and adapt.) and #8 (Forgive yourself. There can be a dark negative voice in our heads that keeps telling us we are losers.) Maybe you can learn better how to learn – enabling you to grow and adapt better / faster…. As many know, my first step in addressing any situation – after first understanding the situation of course – is Considerations (http://johncbennettjr.com ). But I also am self-assessing and reflecting not only on the vision emerging from the effort BUT the actual effort itself! There are ALWAYS small or even big improvements that can be made!!!
Then too, there are always times when self-doubt or (maybe very innocent) comments from others that amplify our confidence, our comfort with ourselves. We need to let those mistakes, those inactions, those errors in judgement go – forgive ourselves, learn from them, and move on. There never has been and never will be perfection, no matter how much effort is expended seeking it!!!
Thanks John. “Learn better how to learn.” Man that sets my mind on fire!
We shouldn’t minimize the power of those “innocent” comments from others. Our words contribute to the success or failure of others. The words we let into our heads impact the direction of our lives. Of course, the words that come out of our mouths are most powerful of all.
As noted, forgive ourselves, learn from them, and move on.
Ok I’m emailing this to myself as I get ready to relocate to a new location. People keep asking me why I want to go to this place and how I don’t know anyone there which let’s me know along with this post that I’m doing the right thing – thank you!!!!
Dan, don’t freak out. Your post today reminds me of a post you authored back in 2014—I believe the first week of December. The post had to do with the ability of leaders to “mold reality,” or reality will mold us—especially during our dark nights of our journey. The reason I recall this post back in 2014 is because I quibbled with it, as I thought as opposed to “molding” reality, we should “unfold” it.
Yet, your post back then is apropos and even essential to your post today. Perception is often more real than what is really real. Successful leaders are optimists and positive thinkers—even big dreamers—in reality. To the molders of reality, unheard-of means it’s only undreamed of yet; impossible means it’s just not yet done. Stanford University’s Business School has a plaque that reads: “Dedicated to the inspirations that haven’t happened yet, and to the people who dream them up.”
Whether we’re punched in the gut or in the face…or not, what matter are goals, time, productivity, results, people, and inner fulfillment. We need to be a bit productive, efficient, proficient, results-oriented, others-driven, and most of all faithful that after night comes day. When it comes to our dark nights, we all face the same challenge—there are only 24 hours in a day. Time and attention are really the only capital we have, and the only assets we can’t afford to squander.
Thanks, Dan. I really needed this one. Risk-taking is part of leadership, but sometimes it can backfire. It can be hard to let go…still trying! These words help and knowing, too that others are struggling with this as well.
I think it’s important to remember that I’ve been punched in the gut before and I got through it…
Diana
This is an excellent post and arrives a year after my personal gut punch- one that involved the sudden loss of my mentor and a gentleman I had known for 30 years. Being encouraged by my mentor to consider and embrace him as ‘family’ during our relationship, the abrupt termination and deafening silence confused and frankly, rattled me to my core. It was an emotional loss. I read your post today almost like a checklist – ‘did that…need to remember that, wow…hadn’t considered that.’ I needed the refresher!
The loss forced me to dig deeper into my own inner resources, tap those strengths and come away stronger for the experience. The ordeal strengthened my relationship with my two adult children and friendships as I accepted responsibility (#2) that I somehow missed something and moved to improve my listening and express more gratitude towards those that matter the most. Does it still bother me? – I’d lie if I said it didn’t – but I am far better off today for the experience. It forced me out of a comfort zone and I became refocused on all that was truly important. That’s one helluva final lesson.
One of the replies above recommends “rolling with the punch” and it should not be interpreted as “rolling over” and giving up. “Rolling with the punch” means we adapt, address the situation and move forward. Good stuff!