Most Feedback Begins in the Wrong Place
Don’t you “love” it when someone asks, “Do you mind if I give you some feedback?”
You can’t say, “Yes, I do mind,” especially if it’s the boss.
Wouldn’t you like to say, “Frankly, I do mind. Just keep it to yourself.”
The sting:
The sting makes painful feedback stick. Isn’t that the point? It wouldn’t be useful if it wasn’t memorable.
Excellence requires feedback.
But, performance conversations usually begin in the wrong place.
The right first question:
Clarify what people are doing before asking, “Would you mind if I give you some feedback.”
The right first question is, “What were you trying to accomplish?”
How can you give effective feedback before clarifying goal and intent? You can’t help people succeed until you understand their performance.
- What were you trying to accomplish?
- Tell me what you were doing.
- What was your intent when you?
- Can you clarify what you were doing, before I give you feedback?
Assumption invalidates feedback.
Give people opportunity to discuss their performance before giving them your “profound” insights. What makes your opinion so important? Don’t be so anxious to correct.
Curiosity precedes feedback.
Listen before speaking.
Learn before teaching.
Understand before explaining.
4 feedback tips:
- Always pursue the best interest of the person receiving the feedback, even if their best interest is leaving the company.
- Focus on behaviors. After they explain what they were doing, describe behaviors that helped or hindered their performance.
- Give examples. Say, “When you (describe the behavior), it hindered you from (describe their goal/intent).”
- Turn toward the future. What might you do differently next time? Feedback that stays in the past is criticism.
Feedback based on assumption is offensive.
When does, “What were you trying to accomplish,” not apply?
What makes feedback effective?
One of my favorite executive talks was when a CEO talked about how he gave feedback to a senior executive after one of his key presentations. He said be a use of the prior culture he knew it was important to first say that he absolutely wanted this person on the team for the long haul and his feedback was geared towards helping him succeed in that role.
Making it clear that you care about the person and want to help them be a better version of themselves can only be perceived net positively except by the most negative of people.
Thanks James. Great illustration. The first and most fundamental assumption of feedback is that you are committed to the best interests of the person receiving it.
Love the suggestion of expressing our commitment to others before giving feedback. We may assume this is known, but it’s helpful to say it.
This is a tough one for me. I want to fix stuff, so I have a real hard time listening before passing some kind of judgement. My wife is a great help in this area, because sometime she just wants me to listen to what she has to say while she works the topic out in her own head. I also see this at work. We higher-ups tend to not ask questions when something is going wrong with our team’s performance. We spend way too little time trying to understand and quickly jump in to directing and fixing mode. In the short-term this may fix whatever issue is at hand, but in the long-term it stunts the development of our teams.
Thanks Jay. I respect your transparency. You have articulated one of the most common challenges that leaders face – The Fixer. If we want others to step up, we have to step back. That doesn’t mean we surrender responsibility. It does mean we learn to trust others.
My boss did this the other day. She was concerned (and rightly so) that I’d jumped the gun in changing a system-wide policy. She asked my intentions and then proceeded to gently remind me to communicate decisions of that magnitude with all parties before pulling the trigger. I left her office feeling bad, not for the reminder, but for making a bad decision. Bad decisions can be avoided in the future. A demeaning boss? Not so much. That little episode reminded me why I like to work where I do.
Thanks Jody. Great story. I’m so glad you joined in today. Corrective feedback usually stings. But, my experience shows that we are elevated by it.
This post is a great reminder, Dan. Most of my feedback has to occur over online messenger or email because of remote workers. Can’t always have have a live conversation, though when you can it is helpful.
So sometimes I have to remind myself to blend those questions INTO the feedback email — “I see why you did X, but next time we will want to do Y because of the client, our goals, etc.” With an invitation to ask questions now and in future.
Rare times I can think of where “What were you trying to accomplish?” doesn’t apply are more about not doing the work at all, or when the feedback conversation has happened and there is simply no agreement to be had.
Entirely agree with your comments Dan. Unless feedback is constructive, it serves no purpose. After all, are we not here to offer encouragement and guidance to people who work under us. I am sure the purpose is not to demoralise and make a mental wreck of the person.
Good morning Dan;
Really great advice in todays blog. The most important aspect of communication is listening. Hearing is one thing, listening requires focus and occasional clarifacation to assure YOU perceive the communicators intent, and content, of the communication. Do this to assure everyone is working from the same sheet of music.
I wise man once said; “The ‘only’ reason to ever open your mouth, is with the intent to make things better for others.” As soon as I began to read this quote popped into my head.
Gota go to work.
Have a great day my freind!!!
Cheers Dan
SGT Steve
Excellent article, Dan. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
For me, the significant work/reminder for giving feedback and receiving feedback is the power/influence/impact of our ‘tone’ of voice and our body language. Too frequently our ‘face’ is ‘trumping’ our words and intent. People judge us more by our behavior then by our intent. I still have lots of opportunity to learn to be a more effective communicator.
I love this Dan. The model I teach to my clients for giving feedback that can be heard starts with checking your intention: asking yourself what benefit your want the receiver of the feedback to gain that they would agree is something they want. Do you want them to have stronger relationships? Do you want them to be trusted? And certainly don’t be attached to what the receiver does with your feedback. Of course there may be consequences if they don’t take action on it, but its their gift to do what they want with. I wrote a blog about a year ago about how to include intention in the feedback process. http://incito.ca/how-to-give-feedback-that-can-be-heard/ and I recommend using Brené Brown’s Daring Feedback Checklist to checking with yourself to ensure you’re ready to give feedback: http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/DaringGreatly-EngagedFeedback-8×10.pdf