How to Thrive by Creating Choice, Connection, and Competence
New Book Giveaway!!
20 free copies!!
Leave a comment on this guest post by Susan Fowler to become eligible to win one of twenty complimentary copies of, “Master Your Motivation: Three Scientific Truths for Achieving Your Goals.” (Deadline is 5/19/2019)
(International winners will receive electronic versions.)
You failed at your diet. You didn’t get those expense reports in on time. Are you just lazy? No.
It is our human nature to thrive. Being bored, feeling lazy, or experiencing shame don’t qualify as thriving. Science reveals that thriving—or being optimally motivated—requires three psychological needs:
- Choice
- Connection
- Competence
Three questions:
You create choice, connection, and competence by asking yourself three questions when you find yourself procrastinating or feeling de-energized to do something you know you need to do…
What choices do I have?
Despite feeling trapped by obligations or guilt, the truth is, you always have choices. Sometimes just exploring your choices is enough to help you make a good one.
Where’s the connection?
If you cannot align the goal or task to meaningful values, a noble purpose, or inherent joy—especially those related to being of service to others, contributing to the greater good, or advocating for justice, then why are you pursuing the goal or agreeing to the task?
How will I build competence?
As you pursue your goal, acknowledge your progress, focus on what you’re learning over what you’re achieving. Recognizing how pursuing your goal teaches you transferable skills that contribute to life mastery and resilience, may generate an automatic shift in your motivation to achieve it.
Answering these questions is the antidote to motivation based on fear or pressure from outside forces—such as incentives, rewards, approval from others (or your own expectations).
When you acknowledge that you have alternatives to suboptimal motivation, you harness your ability to thrive.
Which of one of the three questions is most relevant to you today?
Susan Fowler, foremost expert on motivation and personal empowerment. Her latest book, Master Your Motivation: Three Scientific Truths for Achieving Your Goals, is available June 4.
I would like to receive a free copy of this book! How interesting and insightful…We all think we have the perfect planning and inspiration, yet often fall short of our own inspiration and delivery. This book may be the missing link for many of us! Thank you!
Sometime you have to sell it to yourself!
Today choice is most relevant to me. I have 28 end of year evaluations to complete. I am procrastinating because it takes a lot of time to do these and it is not one of my favorite things to do. However, I do not have the choice to not do them, so I plan to set a goal of completing 7 a week so that they will be done by the end of school.
Great article!
How to build competence?
Cant wait to read the book.
I might also add courage to move out of your comfort zone and into your growth zone. Just a thought.
Duane, thank you for bringing up courage. The three needs for choice, connection, and competence are scientifically proven to be essential nutrients for our optimal thriving. Courage is a by-product when you create choice, connection, and competence. As is trust (in others AND yourself!).
Thanks for sharing this post! I would love to know more about how to create these in my own life and develop them in others for success.
After having tried and not succeeded to reach some personal goals, I am looking forward to Susan’s book. One personal goals is to read an hour a day. I can start with this book! An avid audio book consumer I find it difficult to read my ever growing collection of actual books. Somewhat ADD I really need to see it, highlight it and be able to reread it to absorb it completely. My collection includes many books I’ve already listened to.
I love your post Susan! As a high school principal I am constantly trying to move our staff forward. But you can’t just push people your points about connection competence and choices are so true. While we try to have similar type set ups in class with learning targets and engagement activities we like to allow the teachers freedom to do different activities and such. It makes me reflect to the great Ted talk by Simon cynic about why In the discussion of intrinsic motivation. Mastery, autonomy, and purpose go hand-in-hand with confidence, choice, and connection. I will head these to my wheelhouse in my discussions and thought process with my staff! Thank you for your post and best of luck with your book.
Nice! In response to the question, I think probably choice is most relevant to me right now. I have some contemplating to do!
Love your post Susan! I am a high school principal and I’m constantly looking for ways and methods to move my step forward to better serve our kids. Many are caught in a rut or in their own ways yet these three of choice, confidence, and connection are very powerful. I look forward to reading your book and putting these simple motivational messages into place. It reminds me of the discussion around the Ted talk why by Simon cynic where he talks about mastEry, autonomy, and purpose. They go hand-in-hand and I think combined can really open the minds of educators as well as all professionals. Well done. Looking forward to reading the other posts as well. I also will reflect on these as I leave my own family with my wife of 20 years and three beautiful children of 1211 and eight!
Hey Andrew–Thanks for your comments AND for the work you do as a high school principal! As a note of clarification: It was Dan Pink who wrote about mastery, autonomy, and purpose in his book Drive–based on Self-Determination Theory, the science behind both my books, Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work… and What Does and Master Your Motivation. The goal of my books is to represent the research more robustly and teach people how to apply it as leaders in the workplace and as individuals in every facet of our lives. I chose to reinforce how research defines and characterizes our three psychological needs for Autonomy (Choice), Relatedness (Connection), and Competence. So much of the research has been done in education! Just imagine schools that create–and encourage the students to create–choice, connection, and competence. Again, hang in there doing your important work!
With gratitude,
Susan Fowler
Freedom creates Freedom. Focusing on your own freedom rather than pleasing others is key to connection enjoyment – The equation for success!
For me, “How will I build competence?” hit home this morning. Often we are chasing goals or numbers, and expect that of those we lead, too. Shifting our thoughts to “What have I learned?” helps everyone achieve goals. I would think that this thought shift will take some of the sting of stress away, too.
The concept of choice is something that I have been focusing on in the last year or so. And, specifically how choice shapes outcomes and how my mindset has shaped the choices of the past and how by working on my mindset I can open up a multitude of choices and hence a new way of looking and choices (actions) to achieve those goals. I would really like to read your book and understand this more. Sue
Great article and love the concept!
Choice, Connection & Competence = Courage (to move forward)
Very interesting article to begin. I would really like to learn more about this as I sometimes struggle with this, some days more than others.
Building competency resonates mostly with me. Focusing on what you are learning rather than what you are achieving is valuable. Often times we learn important lessons even when may be unsuccessful in what we are trying to accomplish. Being able to learn from that, adjust, and try again is critical to growth and progress.
“Where’s the connection?” is the biggest motivator for me…having meaning and purpose, and serving a greater good helps me see outside myself and recognize there is more at stake.
Wonderful timing for this article as I begin to work with new colleagues to turn their Bambi enthusiasm into lasting engagement. In my family, my teen and young adult children are struggling to find their way – your book just hit the list for upcoming graduations. Thank you for posting here.
Great post – and just what I needed today! I’m working for a start-up agency, and the learning curve has been huge. I especially liked the sentence, “As you pursue your goal, acknowledge your progress, focus on what you’re learning over what you’re achieving.” If our team focuses on what we’ve learned, we can see we’ve accomplished a lot!! I’d love a copy of the book!
Signed up for Susan’s newsletter and would LOVE to check out her book. Both my husband and I have careers where motivation is key – instructional coach and school assembly / motivational speaker.
Thank you for sharing your post and three questions are in themselves highly empowering. First, it requires stopping the “business” to contemplate, second, the humility to allow for self-discovery, and feedback, and third, a willing and accountable to take on the inner-world of thoughts, emotions, and resolve to take advantage of the questions.
I hope I am not too late, looks like a great read and it’s my passion leadership and motivation- thank you 🙏
Love this post and the alignment of these three questions.
Great job with the 3 points-I particularly like the choice option. It makes life easier.
I really found this post interesting. I have always found it easy to make the choice to do something, and can often find the connection to my life pretty fast. Where I find it difficult is building the competence to see it through. What I have done recently is be purposeful with connecting my choice to a goal that is directly linked to my integrity. It means so much more when I accomplish it and I hold myself accountable to a different level.
I’d love to read more about this in the book and see what else I can do to encourage healthy goal setting.
Thank you!
Great post and I look forward to reading the book! Choice is particularly relevant to me today as I’m working to motivate a cross-functional team of folks that were assigned to the team without choice.
Help me, Susan, from drowning in this Pool of Procrastination I have found myself in lately! I’m particularly drawn to the feelings of shame I have when I don’t complete things, and never really made the connections with choice, connection and competence. Excuse me while I run to do some journaling on these psychological needs.
I appreciate the three points, especially as I plan to do some work on our division’s strategic plan today. The middle question on connection connects best to me generally. I like to see the bigger plan and how all the pieces align both for myself and my colleagues.
Great post Dan!
The concepts are intertwined. Making choices requires discipline. Discipline is easier when you have a purpose. Having all of these combined, you cannot help but learn and grow.
The concepts are intertwined. Making choices requires discipline. Discipline is easier when you have a purpose. Having all of these combined, you cannot help but learn and grow! Thanks for your guest post, Susan.
I would love to receive a copy of your book to share within my company as well as with my kids.
Connection is the key for me. My team has selected PURPOSE as our word of the year. We are striving to find the connection in what we do to our overall goals for our business and our lives.
This is great. I would love the opportunity to read this book!
Very interesting! – Despite feeling trapped by obligations or guilt, the truth is, you always have choices. – So true!
This is so helpful! I love reading through this website every day. It’s a refreshing change in my leadership abilities. Thanks for sharing!
As I begin to look at organizational health, culture and climate, connection to purpose has become a driver of my efforts. How does each and every employee connect their work to the purpose of the organization? From there, how to we ensure they get to explore choice and have opportunities for mastery? such critical questions for a high performing organization! This blog hit right in the midst of conversations about this exact topic, as often happens. Thank you Dan!
Where’s the Connection: I think connecting with people or teams, is part of this.
Great thoughts. For me I review my choices and how it will work within my plans. Look forward to reading this book.
So what do you do when you don’t want to work for that person you have to get the daily work done for? You’re not connected with them, you don’t admire or generally like them? It’s very difficult building a connection to care about a deadline or making the choice of getting it done?!
I find connection and choice to be most relevant. It is a good reminder as a manager, to also help make the connection for your team to help with their motivations and empower them to feel that they have choice in how things get accomplished.
I know that sometimes my need to be competent is driven more by my own expectations than what others are looking for. I do agree with the premise that acknowledging progress makes a difference. The book sounds like an interesting read.
Thanks for being a guest blogger.
Thanks for bringing in Susan, Dan. I’ve had the opportunity to work with her a couple of times and she brings such great positive energy to her work! She gets it – connecting in Education is such a key part of helping kids learn. The GREAT teachers connect with ALL their kids – the good ones connect with most – the marginal ones connect with some. Dare to be GREAT!
Lack of understanding the connection often demotivates team members. Folks need to understand why the task is needed – how the element fits in the big picture. Otherwise, the task may seem to be a waste of time. Management should always strive to provide the reason for the task, then people tend to work more efficiently.
It short fashion you hit it dead on with some of the contributing factors for thriving. The three mentioned focus on actionable items for the individual, however I’d like to add one external contributing factor – an environment conducive of thriving. You could be a motivated person that connects to the purpose at hand dedicated to continuous improvement, but if you’re not in a work environment or supported you face an uphill battle to thrive.
I am in the midst of a de-energizing situation (thankfully closer to the end of it than the beginning). Reading these three questions, particularly the first two, relate to right where I am at in this moment. I am moving into the “building competency” part. Thank you.
It all boils down to choices. We all have them. They all have consequences. I’d love to read more and be eligible for this book.
I can’t wait to read more! I agree that all 3 are vital and will vary based on the situation or time. My current focus is finding connection.
I am leading a project to increase the number of Google Reviews our company receives. We’ve tried incentives for the technicians who perform the service, but they seem less interested all the time. These are some excellent questions that I can discuss with them to see if it might re-energize our efforts. For me, personally, the most relevant is “What Choices Do I Have?” I’m constantly seeking new choices to offer our crew to keep them motivated.
Where’s the connection . . . . is the most relevant question to me at this point in my career. I’ve found that my passion for leading teams and people can only take me and the team that I lead so far. What I mean by that is, if you can’t connect with the work that your team is trying to accomplish it makes it very difficult to motivate others and to keep them on the path to success. At times, I do find myself putting off tasks or initiatives and I wonder why . . . . but I believe asking this question is very relevant and important.
I work in facilities at a mid-size church/private school. To relate the tasks of the day “to being of service to others,” I drive around campus with that primary thought.
Susan, thanks for this interesting post about motivation. When we don’t have choices it is demoralizing. Our company is big on values, and it certainly drives connection. In fact, we recite our values before every meeting of three or more employees. I’ve found meetings performed without reciting those values are much more abrasive. So keeping that connection keeps workers on target.
To echo Katy Dutt’s comment above, what about situations where you do not have a choice? You work for a challenging boss. Some of your work was taken away due to corporate politics of who gets the credit. I understand that we all have choices. But we don’t have choices over some very important things.
I find this one most compelling: “What choices do I have?” I have choices on everything I do and the other items and anything I do follow from those choices. The more choices you make the more experience you gain and as you get older (I’ve found) the choices just seem easier to make.
Dear Dan,
An interesting, thought-provoking post!
Self-motivation is the key to success and you need to be having a right mindset to get energised to work with good enthusiasm and high confidence. I go with the first point of ‘Looking at Alternatives’ first. once reviewed, other things can easily follow since I shall try to make things happen to succeed.
When faced with something you do not have a choice over (such as the comment above re: having to write appraisals), it is important to remind ourselves of the connection to a higher purpose or at least an intent, rather than merely “checking the box to get it done.”
Looks like an interesting book.
This post really came at the right time. I’ve been beating myself up over “being lazy” and those questions I think are the ticket to getting back on track.
I would love to win a copy of the book Master Your Motivation: Three Scientific Truths for Achieving Your Goals!
There was a time Dan that I thought procrastination was a result of poor time management. I have learned that isn’t the case at all. It’s an emotional disconnect that perpetuates itself as the longer you put off pursuing the goal the worse you feel about yourself!
Great questions to pose when dealing with issues.
I would love a copy. I am working on really focusing on me this year and achieving my goals, personally and professionally.
Hi, Dan, Another thoughtful blog post! The first question struck a chord in me. I agree with giving choices, but actually dwelling on the question, “What choices do I have?” opened my mind up to the possibility that there are more choices to consider than those which pop up first. Thank you for helping give myself permission to think more deeply about this question. The book should be a good read!
Diane M
Realizing that while we can’t always control our environment though we can always control our responses is an amazingly empowering growth step. We always have a choice in how we respond, think, feel, perceive, act, and lead. This then means that we always have the power to make whatever we want out of any situation.
I’ve struggled with my weight almost my entire life. Now my daughter is around the age where she is noticing that she is “chubbier” than the other girls. This makes me so sad and want her to be confident in her body. I’ve set yet another weight loss (and healthy lifestyle change) goal for myself I hopes that I can show her what she can do to help herself if she feels the need to. Your book could definitely help me on my way!
Choices, connection and competence are all good factors for thriving professionally and personally. I would love to read this book to help with all facets of my life, but mostly would like to see how this can help change the culture in my current work environment and move things in a more positive direction.
Most relevant to me is about building competence. I often focus on what I need to learn to better and forget to look back to see if I already learned that skill in another situation and It could be applied here.
This post really spoke to me today and I am anxious to find out more. Many times we know what to do and understand why the concepts work, but can’t quite get there. As someone who seems to self-sabotage, I would love to learn more and this book sounds like it may really help understand the hurdles and how to overcome them and thrive!
Thank you for your consistently good content, Dan! This post really made me consider how we talk about building capacity within schools.
Good Stuff – book me Danno!
Looks very insightful! Would love to read the book!
What choices do I have is a great question from the point what will or will not happen if I don’t make this decision.
The first choice that’s so important that each of us make is to develop our vision (great source: “Full Steam Ahead” by Ken Blanchard and Jesse Lyn Stoner) which of course is aligned with our values and aspirations for our personal life and career. We then must connect with that vision by seeking opportunities to build relationships and mutual support for others. To be effective, we must of course commit to learning and developing the skills that enable us to make a difference!!!
A super concept, very much aligned with what I’m calling our Personal Servant Leadership! I look forward to reading (and Considering) this book carefully to improve my understanding and my engagement!!!
Motivation is a tough thing sometimes. Even if we love what we do, there are days when motivation is lacking. Knowing the scientific means to bolster your motivation might actually be key to digging deep enough to find some.
Learning over achieving. Great stuff
I absolutely relate to the connection point. My learning has to be relevant to my work and how can I turn around on Monday morning and apply it to my work.
I do find I procrastinate, and it is due to ‘finding uninterrupted time with no distractions’, which often happens at the eleventh hour. Looking forward to reading this book on motivation. Thank you.
Choice rings true for me. Leaders who promote autonomy and trust their people to do their job and do it well allow autonomy with well-defined barriers to guide the ship. The trust gained by giving employees autonomy builds a culture that is based on growth and continuous improvement.
Thanks for your varied topics and commentary. I share frequently with friends
Choice is about Will . It’s like, in the first place do you desire to endeavour.? If yes the other two also follows in place. We generally get what we go looking for.
Connections appear and Competence grows with practise and effort. Hence wanting to participate and showing up with a resolute is the first drive to develop. The rest will follow.
Thank you for this post. Very timely for me. I would love to win a copy of this book!
I WORK IN A FAITH BASED HEALTHCARE FACILITY. THE PARAGRAPH ON CONNECTION IS LIKE READING OUR MISSION! I am a clinical educator and your writings about building competence was so spot on. I would love to read your book! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Connection: adding value to others is significant. People do not listen or care until they know they are listened to and cared about.
Great reminder to always consider what learning is taking place – “focus on what you’re learning over what you’re achieving” – even when you are having times of high achievement. having a growth mentality can get you through lulls in life and work, but can also amplify the good experiences leading to even greater growth and achievement.
Choice, connection or competence is a good lens to view opportunity. This post has given me a new perspective as I am going through a difficult time. Choices seem limited, but in reality are very open. Thank you for sharing this premise.
Great stuff! I’d love a book!
This reminds me of something I heard Tony Robbins say once. Quality questions create a quality life. Great post!
I believe this book is a part of answered prayer. It is always good to glean knowledge from other professionals for both our professional and personal development. This will be an asset to the clients o serve as well as myself.
Great stuff
“Where’s the connection?” That is the most relevant question for today. It seems like we’ve lost focus on how to connect… with people and with our communities, so that we can advance the common good.
This is just what I needed today!
I’m working on learning a new language. It is a helpful reminder to focus on what I am learning, not on the fact I am not yet fluent! Thanks for the questions.
Sounds great!!
Thank you, Susan. This post could not have come at a better time. Our office has been discussing accountability and I love how this puts the emphasis on our individual responsibility to take ownership of our choices, the connections made as a result and its influence on self competence. I have been looking for new language to encourage staff to do what they do because it is important to them rather than always looking outward for that recognition and confirmation. I can’t wait to read your book!
Love that we can link what intuitively we believe to be true with science and research.
Thanks Susan for the 3 C’s look forward to reading your book.
The book sounds outstanding!
O wow! This is so good & lines up with information I’m receiving from a targeted coaching group but never saw the skills could be applied at work. Thank you! I need this book!! Thank for expressing these thoughts so succinctly & practically!
Regarding connection, it’s always valuable to keep in mind that people want to know you care before they want to know what you know.
The blog post I needed to read! I most connect to the 2nd point, ‘connection’. I’m reflecting on my school’s current goal setting structure and the disconnect for teachers with the personal professional goal. I’m thoughtful that the goal setting structure is based on outside influences such as administrators setting goals for the group. With three goals to accomplish every year, how much time is there for personal goal setting, especially when done individually? Helpful thoughts today. Thanks for the blog!
I believe that making a connection to a goal or task is a key to success. There needs to be purpose and meaning to provide motivation. “Connection” is vital to the pursuit of one’s goals.
Susan, I notice that you have used ‘with gratitude’ when replying to comments. I like that. It is a perspective that usually works for me as well. I’m trying desperately hard to apply it to a performance review for my most difficult employee. My feet are dragging and ” I’m grateful for the opportunity” just isn’t working for me right now…..sigh…..
Thanks for this Susan! I love the recognition of the three competencies. I work in the field of Leadership Development and a large segment of my audience is family caregivers. I find competence, the third area of thriving, to “focus on what you’re learning over what you’re achieving” is a real swamp when everything is new and chaotic and often medicalized and scary. I appreciate giving them all the resources I have at my disposal to ease the journey. I think yours is one.
Agree that you always have choices.
This applies to myself, but I was wondering how I can encourage this in those that I manage as well…
Making a connection is the key for success. I have spent to much energy in other peoples causes and ideals, not finding where I can best fit. I now identify my connection by my goal and how it can be achieved. This is a book I have to have!
Susan, thank you for your enlightening and encouraging post. I like your Choice, Connection, Competency model, and I’d suggest enhancing it with another “C” like Consider, Contemplate, Commit, or something along those lines to kick it off. Ralph Keeney published a book entitled “Value-Focused Thinking: A Path to Creative Decisionmaking,” in which he contrasted alternative-focused to value-focused thinking. Your choice step begins the alternative-thinking decision process by selecting from a set of options. Value-focused thinking, by starting with defining desired goals or objectives, often generates new or creative alternatives that the alternative-focused thinking approach tends to overlook. Your second step alludes to values, but moving values to the beginning of the decision process help to prevent prematurely restricting your alternative set. All the best!
Susan — your three questions are excellent and are thought provoking. I would love to learn more of your strategies and principles in your book. The one that stands out to me the most is –What choices do I have?–.
For me all the 3 questions are important, but the 1st one, what choices do I have, is the most important one as it helps me unblock my perspectives and explore outside of my familiar set-up.
I’m a procrastinator extrordinaire! I see all three of these at work in my life. Sometimes, I’m being passive-aggressive and not doing something because I feel like I have to. Other times it’s hard to motivate myself if I don’t see the value or purpose in an activity. And, I have started noticing recently, that when I don’t feel competent in an area, it is very easy to put the task off. Thank you for an insightful and helpful post.
Always look forward to improvement and a good read. Would like to learn more on the topic for sure.
Looks like an interesting topic – would love to learn more
I am a master procrastinator – or should I say excuse maker? I like the three questions, but I think that choice and competence are the most meaningful to me! Building on to competence makes me appreciate the journey of the goal and to not get so caught up in perfection – the feeling of failure if I don’t reach my goals. I agree with James – lack of competence leads to lack of confidence and leads to lack of getting started!
Acknowledging that we always have a choice is key. Even if the choice is NOT to make a choice!
“Focus on what we are learning” Identifying and celebrating the small successes along the way (a.k.a. the learning) does help keep me motivated (and something that I forget to do). Thank you! I’d love a copy of the book.
I have appreciated the many responses to your post. I relate to the connection out of the three. I do volunteer disaster relief in many areas of the country and in my own community, as choose to do something there has to be a connection to being of service to others who are in need, during a crisis in their life. You have hit on a great book. look forward to reading it. Thank you
After never winning previous books doing this, I’m barely motivated to attempt this one.
Out of the three, creating Connection by Objective is the most I focus on with my Team
Very interesting separation of thought for this discussion….I guess today I’m wrestling with Choice…thanks!
Thank you for the post. I have shared with a few others on my leadership team. We will use it as a discussion point over the next few weeks.
Choice is most relevant. Competency, I honestly feel pretty good about. Connection, OK, I have work to do there, too, but that would be a more difficult choice to make. Hmmm. Conundrum.
Where’s the connection resonates with me. Learning is my main strength from the strength finders test. I was glad to see this question as part of this post. Sounds like a fascinating book.
Simple concept that is resonating with many people it seems. It certainly raises interest. This might be the key to understanding why I haven’t been enjoying some of my jobs and roles these past years. I want to read this!
This Leadership Freak article was very intriguing to me! I would love to learn more by reading a copy of this book. Reading the book and doing some discovery could really be helpful for myself and my organization currently!
100% correct. If you can’t tie the task to something that you are trying to get accomplished then why are you doing it?
This is so good! I’m currently in a health transformation journey & would love this book! Changing habits of a lifetime this is so strategic & intentional & these 3 questions have helped me to identify blockages to thriving in an area. I can see how they would be useful in any sphere. Thank you. A great reframe