Dear Dan – Is There Ever a Time to Not Forgive
Dear Dan,
Is there ever a time to not forgive an offense, and instead seek for it to be righted?
I worked with a group over the summer to redo the organizations discipline program – after a disastrous year last year and the work has continued throughout this year.
Meanwhile, there is another group who attempts to thwart our every move.
These same people have made racist and misogynistic comments when in meetings with my peers.
I am tempted to go to my union or HR department to have these things addressed, but for the sake of all of our careers I don’t because I don’t want to seem petty, thin-skinned, or unable to handle problems on my own.
Looking for advice
Dear Looking,
It feels like you’re being tugged in several directions while trying to do the “right” thing. I’m not sure there is a “right” thing to do. You have options. With that in mind, I asked an education professional and an entrepreneur to share their thoughts.
But first, an idea on forgiveness from me.
You can forgive an offense and still hold people accountable. The main thing is to seek the best interest of others. Intervening isn’t about vengeance. It’s about making things better.
In this case, the best interest of others seems to include putting an end to inappropriate communication.
Now for some thoughts from Brian Barnhart and Glen Van Peski.
First, some ideas from Brian, Executive Director of IU13.
Brian writes,
I’m wondering if there’s a sympathetic ear for “Looking for advice” to seek within the district administration. I can’t imagine re-writing a set of disciplinary expectations in a district, without administrative input.
I try to always start with a 1 on 1 friendly conversation with the chief adversary. Often, they aren’t operating in a malicious way, and usually are surprised and willing to find compromise.
At the very least, an opening conversation can point to the differences of the policies, instead of the personalities. I’d absolutely recommend that the union teachers engage their school administration, as the admin will ultimately have to approve any changes to disciplinary expectations.
My greater concern is for the ongoing staff relationships. We spend way too much time working on getting ‘better at what we do’… and need to focus more on being ‘great at who we are’. Nothing we do is worthy of leaving a wake of broken relationships in our work.
Second, here are some thoughts from Glen, entrepreneur and founder of Gossamer Gear.
Glen writes,
I would say this is above my pay grade!
Instinctively, I would say that yes, there are times when we should seek for an injustice to be righted. I’m wondering if it’s possible to be both forgiving of the people who are responsible for the injustice, and still seek for it to be righted. Nobody should have to endure racist or misogynistic taunts.
You’re wondering if you should go to your union leadership (which sounds like it’s different than the opposing teachers’ union leadership) and/or the HR department to ‘have these things addressed’.
Really that sounds like you would be reporting the offenses of the opposing teachers, which would result in an investigation, and probably some actions against the opposing teachers, none of which would likely win them over.
The one possible positive result could be that they would be put on notice that you, on behalf of your teachers, refuse to be intimidated. I wonder if just calling them on their inappropriate behavior would do the same thing, without causing more escalation.
I keep circling around in my head to why they are fighting you. If you know that, or can find that out, and try to address that in some way, that could help. Maybe it’s fear of change, but given the scope of their resistance, it sure sounds like something deeper is going on.
My heart goes out to you, this is clearly consuming some mental and emotional energy.
You have our best,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for “Looking for Advice?”
Note: I relax my 300 word limit on “Dear Dan” posts.
As you describe it, they are creating a hostile work environment by attacking protected groups. Report it. You should be able to do so anonymously. You in fact would be “thick skinned” to do it. There is no need to let anyone get away with being bullies and trying to intimidate. In my mind, it’s not even a question.
Thanks so much for jumping in, Janet. Have a good weekend.
Jesus said “Blessed are the peace MAKERS”. We tend to think He meant to say ‘blessed are the peace KEEPERS’. Sometimes it’s really hard to know the difference, though but what I try to remember is that peacekeeping is doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict. Peace making is doing whatever it takes to REMOVE conflict. Usually, by this point peacekeeping isn’t really possible anyway, peace has long since been replaced with anxiety, stress and fear. In order for peace to have a chance, the conflict must be dealt with. However, more conflict (usually in the form of heated confrontation) isn’t going to help either. Proverbs says “A soft answer turns away wrath”, so I’d try that route first. I’ve found that sometimes people have no idea how we feel and if we’re just honest they will change. They’re not mean, just ignorant. However, some people are just toxic. The difference? Ignorance can be educated. Toxic people, refuse to learn.
Welcome to the growing pain of leadership. This precise scenario is preparing you to take on bigger challenges in your life.
Mercy to the cruel is injustice for the innocent. You can regulate your toxic environment by leading and applying existing rules and procedures in a transparent manner. They crossed the line and it is about justice and restoring dignity, respect, and community. If you do this in good faith and they still transgress eventually a leader will have them expelled for there pattern of behavior. Similar to regulating K-12 behavior; some people have issues and never learned. You DO NOT have thin skin; you have the strength to stand up. Your justice and ethics muscles are growing.
Dear Looking,
what you are fighting is called fascism. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fascism
It is worth the fight.
Frank from Germany
You stated, “I worked with a group over the summer to redo the organizations discipline program. ” My questions are:
1. Who charted you and the group to revise the discipline program?
2. Have you & your group completed the task–submitted a revised discipline program?
3. Has the revised discipline program been approved by HR, union etc.
Separate issues—- why aren’t department heads enforcing the rules and taking disciplinary action as required.
As you know establishing rules and having the courage to enforce them (hold people accountable) are two very different sides of the coin.
Here are my 2 cents. I hope it is at least that valuable to you. — You cannot let misogyny and racism fester. Those are toxic and should be addressed. Have you spoken directly and candidly with the leaders of the “opposing forces”? I would start there, having a very kind, open, and frank discussion with them. I would tell them that their comments are hurtful to others. Most people don’t really want to hurt others. Name-calling is a juvenile response to a threat. What is threatening about your work and your position on the issues at hand? Seek to understand your opposition. Maybe they are blind to the damage they are doing because they’ve lived with misogyny and racism so long. Even Dr. King realized he couldn’t change the world in an instant. He knew it was a long game. Go long, shining a light on the evil that is and forgiving people for being human. Ask them to be better humans. Be open and honest about it. Be respectful and be direct. If you operate this way, no one can deny the wrongs being done and things should get better…in time.
I had two coworkers and later turned into my employees who make horrible personal attacks against everyone that was not in their click. Later I had to tell the main one.
“I forgive you for what you did. I have to for my own peace. That does not mean I do not think you still need to be held accountable for your behavior.”
You can forgive without releasing responsibility. The anger and hurt is yours not theirs. Forgive but hold accountable.
The answer is no there is never a time you should not forgive. The reason being, forgiveness is for you not the offender. Forgiving an offender is the only way to restore your peace and kill the roots of bitterness before they can take hold.
In most cases, your offender would care less about your forgiveness. Your words of forgiveness would rarely change their attitude or actions.
Until you have truly forgiven, it will be difficult to find solutions that come from a pure heart and motive.
Forgiving will also allow you to respond it a way that would draw others to you.
Forgiveness is within us. It’s an act that gives us peace. Absolutely forgive.
However, absolutely do not let them off of the hook. It should be reported. If they have marks against them with HR or their superiors – well, those are the consequences of their actions. Asking us to try to figure out how we can make things better without escalation is no different than the “boys will be boys” excuse given to those in the #MeToo group, or blaming the victim of assault for wearing provocative clothing.
Actions have consequences. Racist remarks at work have consequences. We should not feel bad for setting those consequences in motion.