Rocks in Your Pockets: Drop the Weight that Holds You Back
In the days before tractors, farmers picked rocks to make New England soil tillable. They used the stones to build nearly 260,000 miles of stone walls that still divide many fields.
Books celebrate their accomplishment. (Stone by Stone)
The fields in Maine seemed to grow rocks every winter. As a kid, it didn’t matter that stone walls are famous in New England. Picking rocks is never fun, even if it is part of history.
How to benefit from rocks:
The biggest mistake you make with rocks is carrying them around instead of making them useful.
#1. Get real with yourself.
Your path is cluttered with rocks, just like everyone else. You aren’t special. Don’t gasp when a co-worker gets the promotion you wanted.
The success of others is a heavy burden for those who feel self-important and entitled.
Rocks that weigh down…
- Liars and backstabbers.
- Office politics.
- Feeling under-appreciated.
- The success of others.
Those who believe they’re special – exempt from hindrance, difficulty, and obstruction – end up disillusioned and disengaged.
The longer you carry a rock, the heavier it gets.
Tip: Contributing to others is as close as you’ll ever get to being special.
Warning: You will never be special if you live for yourself.
More ways to benefit from rocks:
#2. Transform painful experiences into pivotal moments.
#3. Acknowledge weaknesses.
The ability to acknowledge, accept, and in some cases improve a weakness accelerates effectiveness.
#5. Commit to persistent systematic personal development.
#6. Don’t grasp for position and prominence.
#7. Skillfully seek feedback.
Picking rocks is never fun. But the better you get at picking rocks, the sooner you enjoy fruitful labor.
Rocks either accelerate or debilitate.
Project:
I listed seven ways to deal with rocks in your pockets. Most of the above suggestions are undeveloped. What suggestions do you have for dealing with the rocks we carry?
What rocks hold leaders back?
Bonus material:
8 Ways Successful People Overcome Setbacks (Success)
Social Comparison: An Unavoidable Upward or Downward Spiral (Positive Psychology)
Dealing with Disappointment (HBR)
…see rocks like the weights of exercise (development) not the weights of burden…
Thanks Ken. That’s a great shift in perspective and attitude.
6. Don’t grasp for position and prominence. Funny that this one stands out to me. My observations say a good portion of those that do seek position and prominence and achieve it get hung up in themselves, their bubble. They seem to lose if they had it any humbleness of purpose through the fog the engulfs them through the weight of their rocks. It’s interesting as noted or hinted here How this is in play. What do I do about it just work hard, work thorough And make attempts to not let the grasp of position and prominence of others bother me. Talent, a humble nature and hard work seems to win out which makes the rocks I see and encounter easier to bear. Rock on everyone now off to day 53 in imprisonment.
Thanks Roger. I’m glad #6 caught your eye. I hadn’t thought about the self-imposed defeat that comes with getting what you want when you seek it with arrogance. That’s so helpful.
Your other question is important. How does one express aspiration without being a grasper? Something to reflect on.
I also see rocks as the people we continue to “water” to get them to grow or change, but whom actually have no desire to grow or change and we exhaust ourselves and weigh ourselves down tending to the wrong garden.
Thanks Debbie. Glad you brought this up. It is painful to have more aspiration for someone than they have for them self.
I wonder how to describe the problem you mention? Is it too much compassion or arrogance? Maybe it’s the inability to let something go?
When you see rocks, look for those who are carrying the same ones. Both will be able to help one another carry the rocks.
Once you know there’s a rock, know it that you need support to carry it. There is no shame in having rocks and know that it will make you better.
Thanks Khawaja. The power of a “with” is the ability to go further and experience greater fulfillment when you do.
There are some rocks that we can’t put down. You might think of them as responsibilities or problems that need solutions, for example.
There are some rocks that need to be laid down. Carrying a grudge or the desire to get even, for example. If I’m carrying a grudge, I should probably avoid others who carry grudges. 🙂
Right – not all rocks are bad. Know your rocks and then decide what to do with them.
Thanks Dan!
Dan – all great contributions above. Just like all things, we can imagine the rocks are what mold us – good and bad. The rocks may make us more resilient but as you pointed out, weigh us down too. I had a friend that use to tell people to put their luggage down, they have the ability to purchase a newer version that was empty so they could start over. Self awareness, I suspect is step one to this process with a continual cycle of reassessments to keep you lightweight and the best you. Although we are confronted with successes, failures, and disappointments, a clear understanding of priorities and purpose often lead us to less rocks in our pockets.
Thanks Kishla. Put your luggage down. 🙂 … baggage is another interesting way to think about this idea.
Self-awareness is the beginning. You might not notice the rocks you’re carrying and at the same time you might wonder why you’re so exhausted. It takes honest reflection to reach in your pockets and notice any self-defeating or self-destructive attitudes or behaviors.
I think we are all special in some unique ways.
The rocks of anger and resentment are bad.
Forgiveness is the best way to get rid of your rocks. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. It frees you to move on and grow, learn, and prosper.
Life isn’t always fair but it helps to assume positive intent.
Thanks Paul. I’m glad you mention special as unique. On that we agree. Each person is unique. But not special in the sense of being exempt from the rock problem.
The other aspect of “special” that I find destructive is the idea that special = the best or #1.
It’s true, life isn’t fair. Perhaps that’s why the rocks we encounter might derail us. I want things to be fair.
In fire it has been a tradition to put rocks in the new guys pack. I wonder if for the new guy traditions like that we end up putting rocks in there life as well. I think we all pack plenty of rocks on our own and we don’t need anyone’s help adding more.
Thanks Walt. Love the tradition of loading up the new person. It helps us be humble. 🙂 Maybe it helps us feel connected. And it may help us realize that we need others.
But, I’ve picked and carried plenty of my own rocks.
Carrying rocks … it’s tough slogging. No doubt it’s about perspective, but the constant exhortation to ‘be a better leader, be a transformation leader, be a servant leader, etc., can be more rocks to carry … and to mix metaphors – if you’re already struggling to stay afloat, the last thing you need is for someone to toss you a rock!
When I see folk who are ‘tending their fields’ well, I’ve found that it isn’t because the rocks their dealing with are lighter or smaller than anyone mine or anyone else’s, but its that they carry them for less time, and by doing so, their load doesn’t get heavier and heavier, and that they have a sense of purpose, i.e. there’s a point/purpose/reason for their rock carrying.
I read a great article this morning about optimism that has some notions that I think apply to the “rocks” discussion, i.e. carrying the load.
https://thinkr.org/newsletter/learned-optimism-how-to-change-your-mind-and-your-life
“Rampant individualization without substantive belief in anything higher than self has left us naked and scared. The endless variety in consumer goods caters to individual preferences to an unprecedented degree. The options lead to an abiding desire to realize the “maximal self” by gratifying its numerous particular hungers.
“On top of this is the dissipation of the commons, which provided a source of community and sense of purpose. Beliefs in God, country, and family have faded tremendously over the course of the twentieth century and into the twenty-first. As a result, there is no narrative beyond the individual that can undergird him/her in moments of failure [rock carrying]. Thus, a loss is an eternal loss because there’s no larger narrative that one can hope for and fight for other than the self that is alone and fighting an uphill battle against a cruel world.”
So, I’d add a #8 to your list: Find out the “why” – if there’s a greater good and purpose for carrying the rocks you’re holding. And, remember, there are others who will help with the load if you let them.
Thanks Dan – always enjoy your insights.
Thanks Officer. Your point that we might overload others is well taken. There is a thin line between challenge and support. Perhaps I should say that challenge and support go together.
The more you challenge someone, the more they need your support. Just piling it on someone doesn’t help in the end.
Thanks also from bringing purpose to the conversation. Purpose helps us identify good rocks from bad rocks…
One way to rid yourself of unwanted rocks is to develop an attitude of humility. Humility encompasses openness, remain teachable, accept feedback, acknowledge the strengths of others and help your colleagues shine. . . The humility, kindness, and support of others will be repaid to you in spades!! It’s almost magical.
Thanks Janet. You bring up my favorite topic. An arrogant person will hang on to rocks in their pockets… they’ll do it themselves. They need to win.
One thing that’s helped me with the rocks in my path, and it could be added as #8 (or the elusive #4?) would be to keep an eye on the long view… The big picture matters the most. My faith keeps me grounded in this area. Rocks are temporary… My focus is on the eternal.
Thanks Page. The power of a long-term view to enable us to press through a disappointing present cannot be under-estimated. It speaks to purpose… Why endure in the first place.
Rocks of judgement or grudges – As a leader I have dealt with some difficult rocks. Not being able to get past that, and grow the individual once the feedback has been delivered, will definitely weigh you down. If we consistently bring up bad behavior or actions instead of moving individual forward in development, even if they are willing to change will hurt us, the individual and the work we do in the end.
Thanks Ashley. The leader who constantly brings up ugliness, fault, weakness, and disappointment has pockets full of rocks. The problem isn’t out there, it’s in the pockets.
The person who carries all of the rocks loses those that will help them carry the rocks!