7 Responses that Defeat Defensiveness
People don’t make you feel defensive. Defensiveness is your response.
Defensiveness is feeling attacked when others are trying to help.
Defensive language:
My natural response to criticism or corrective feedback is self-protection. After all, only sick people intentionally do stupid things.
My reasons are the right ones.
Noticing precedes improvement. Learn to notice defensive language in yourself and others.
Defensive people feel:
- Unfairly attacked.
- Unjustly Criticized.
- Underappreciated.
- Misunderstood.
Defensiveness is:
- Denial: Refusing to accept responsibility. “It’s not my fault.”
- Blame-shifting: Redirecting criticism onto others. “They made me do it.”
- Rationalization: Providing justifications or explanations. “You don’t understand.”
- Attacking: Hostility that diverts attention to others. “It’s other people’s fault.”
- Minimization: Downplaying the impact of your actions. “It’s not a big deal.”
- Justification: Presenting self-affirming evidence. “If you knew the pressure I’m under.”
- Shutting down: Withdrawing to avoid further confrontation. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
Roots of defensiveness:
People pleasing drives defensiveness. I’d brag about not getting defensive, but I worry what you’ll think.
Tying identity to performance makes criticism personal. I feel good about myself when the boss thinks I did good. It feels personal when someone suggests I didn’t do good.
The need to be right motivates self-justification. Confirmation bias is my favorite.
7 responses that defeat defensiveness:
Develop a hip-pocket response. When you start feeling attacked or criticized pull out a preplanned reply. Planned responses lower stress and portray confidence. Kneejerk reactions add heat to interactions.
- Openness. “This surprises me. Tell me more.”
- Curiosity. “What brought this to mind for you?”
- Development. “What suggestions do you have for me?”
- Gratitude. “Thanks for bringing this up. It’s important to me too.”
- Pause and breathe.
- Provide time for yourself. “Thanks for bringing this up. Let’s explore this after my next meeting.”
- Humility. Tell yourself they could be right.
What causes us to attack or explain when criticized?
What are some healthy responses to natural feelings of self-protection?
Still curious:
How to Defeat the Subtleties of Defensiveness
Healthy responses–I am going to consider your comments as well as ask a few other people for their critique of what I did or didn’t do. Thanks.
Love it. Expand vs. pull back. It feels leaderly. I think it’s important to be very specific when seeking feedback. Keep your personal goals and values in mind.
This is great and very helpful. Question: have you talked previously about the reverse side of this coin – how to respond positively and move the discussion forward when someone is being defensive with you? I’m wondering if those same responses work there to a degree.
Hi Fraser. I’m glad you brought this up. It’s a common issue.
I have written about that a few times. Although I feel it’s inadequate. Here’s a link. https://leadershipfreak.blog/2022/08/24/5-simple-ways-to-make-progress-with-defensive-employees/
The article might be helpful. There are two additional links on that post as well.
Terrific – thank you!
If it’s truly unjustified criticism, then being defensive is the death spiral. Instead per your suggestion, be open and explore what is being said. Have the person explain to you more about what they are saying and why. Pretend they have some huge insight you are blind to. Make them explain it and listen with everything you got. Strive to understand what they are saying. Sometimes they can’t explain their point and they realize it’s unwarranted. In the end only two things can happen, you learn something or they learn something.