The #1 Self-Defeating Behavior That Brings Leaders Down
The faster you stop holding yourself back the more your life will matter.
Other people aren’t your biggest challenge. You are.
The best day in your leadership journey is when you realize the biggest challenges reside within. See if you do some of the self-defeating behaviors I’ve held dear.
Self-defeating behaviors:
Show up to convince instead of connect.
I’ve carried the burden of knowledge all my life. Everyone is an idiot when you show up knowing. And it’s so exhausting.
The burden of knowledge makes you pushy and manipulative. You don’t intend to be unhumble, but you can’t help it and you don’t see it. I was shocked when my daughter said, “I think you like to scare people.” I thought, “But I’m a fuzzy teddy bear.”
Talk more than you listen.
Put a gag in your word hole if you love the sound of your own voice.
One of my clients texted, “If listening was ever an issue for you, you’ve clearly solved it. You are one of the best listeners I know, finding things in people’s words they don’t even see themselves.”
I’m thankful she feels that way, and it scares me. Listening is work. It doesn’t come naturally to anyone who makes up their mind quickly. (If you’re an introvert, being quiet and actually listening are completely different things.)
The #1 self-defeating behavior that brings leaders down:
Lack of self-reflection destroys us.
The solution to self-defeating behaviors begins with structured self-reflection.
When I ask leaders about their self-reflection practice, they often look at me like a cow looks at a new gate.
Questions add structure to self-reflection.
- How did you receive help today?
- Who did you invite into your life today?
- What didn’t work for you today?
- What helped you flourish today?
- What will you do differently tomorrow?
John David Mann and I wrote a book that helps leaders see themselves more clearly. Coming September 19, 2023. Click the banner below to order your copy.
What self-defeating behaviors do you see in others? In yourself?
How might leaders stop shooting themselves in the foot?
Still curious:
4 Tools for Self-Reflection Every Leader Needs
The Secrets to Self-Leadership
Self-Sabotage | Psychology Today
Some days you leave me speechless. I guess that helps me be a better listener.
Well it’s a start, Gerry. 🙂 I’ll take your comment as a compliment. Cheers.
Absolutely a compliment!
Burden of knowledge, seen as scary by some and helpful by others – really hit home. Listening is work. I agree 100%. When I do work at listening: connection, accomplishment and contentment greatly increases (for me and the receivers). When I don’t – those benefits decrease. Thank you Dan for the reminder to keep working on it!
I see that you get the work it takes to listen. Your reflection on benefits of listening like, connection, accomplishment, and contentment is enlightening.
Listening, patience, grit, all require us to learn and develop! Having been the bull in the China closet, is surely a way to get caught up in yourself! Stop, look, listen, think, proceed with a plan!
Wonderful insights. Thanks Tim.
The #1 self-defeating behavior that brings leaders down: Doubting what you know to be true. Not listening to your conscience.
Thanks, as always, for your insights. I’ve had people tell me, trust yourself. I think sometimes self-doubt is good, when you’re a novice for example. Our conscious can be educated and it’s possible, in my opinion, for it to have a bad education.
Having said that, a clear understanding of right and wrong is necessary. As always, it’s a pleasure, Paul.
Moooo. I am that cow looking at a new gate. My self-reflection is usually beating myself up for what I didn’t do well or the mistakes made. Thank you for the structure to self-reflection to identify action. I will work to put away my inner Chris Farley “idiot” dialogue, and focus on helpful reflection to support the people I have the honor of working with every day.
Hey H. I’m with you. You point out that unstructured self-reflection is dangerous. Our inner-critic LOVES self-reflection. Getting a grip on that inner dragon is part living large. I say, “getting a grip on,” because I think we can find alternatives to inner-accusations. One way it to make a list of the things you did well and things you want to improve.
PS If it helps, some of the people I work with use a simple exercise that seems to help. Write down every nasty thing your inner critic says. Just notice it. Don’t judge it. Write it all out in it’s ugliness. The act of noticing is often helpful. TIP: Don’t try to silence the inner-critic just notice it. Best wishes.
Good morning, Dan ~ So, this post is the end result of the question you posed on Twitter early yesterday morning. I like it! Valuable information and insights. Having read through all the comments and your replies, I learned stuff – all good. There are so many ways to shoot one’s self in the foot. Learning how not to do that is a life-long task – over and over again. I appreciate what you do. Thanks. Cheers! See you on Twitter. ~ Jessan