7 Ways to Learn to Say No with Kindness
A person who can’t say no is bound to many masters.
A world without ‘NO’ is filled with distraction, chaos, frustration, burnout, and abuse.
A person who can’t say no is:
- Trapped.
- Overwhelmed.
- Pleasing others while displeasing themself.
- Easily manipulated by people who can say no.
- Driven by urgencies and neglectful of priorities.
- Resentful toward people they serve.
- Unable to make decisions for themself.
- Filled with self-doubt.
- An enabler of their abusers.
- Unable to manage their calendar.
“You have to be good at saying no and picking the things that really matter.” – Warren Buffet
7 ways to learn to say no with kindness.
#1. You.
The inability to say no is all about you. Don’t judge yourself, just own it.
#2. Imagine.
Imagine saying no with courage and kindness. Don’t use anger as courage.
You can’t do it until you can imagine it.
#3. Practice.
Confess your weakness. Practice saying no together. Ask each other to do things and respond with no.
#4. Deadlines.
Before saying yes, ask when tasks are due. People-pleasers pressure themselves with imagined deadlines. Maybe it doesn’t need to be done by the end of the day.
#5. Go public.
Tell your team you’re learning to live by priorities and that includes learning to say no with kindness.
#6. Sooner.
If you feel the need to think about it, the answer is probably no but you’re afraid.
Have a reputation for being helpful. Avoid saying no too quickly. But don’t let it drag out.
Delay increases frustration.
#7. Self-discovery.
- Notice energy. Is energy going up or down as you learn to say no?
- Notice frustration. Recuring frustrations reveal neglected values.
- Practice openness and curiosity. Don’t close down.
People who can’t say no wait too long to say the word that frees them.
How would you teach someone to say no with kindness?
The Ability to Say NO is the Power to do What Matters
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Solid blog. Saying “no” can be difficult as a leader especially as we build relationships and care about those we serve. I would like to push on the “slave” reference. It is culturally insensitive and the blog could have the same power/purpose without the reference.
Thanks for jumping in today. Saying yes is essential for success.
Thanks also for your feedback on verbiage.
Yes. Yes. Yes. People have a hard time saying “no” with courage and kindness.
My formula has two parts “no” and “thank you.” Like, “No, I won’t take on that project. I appreciate you asking.” If the project interested me, and only then, would I add an opener to future projects like “Keep me in mind for future projects. I’m really interested in …. (add specificity of what interested me in this project).”
I find people often add reasons to why they say “no.” I would say, in the very rare case, add a reason only if it contributes to better knowledge for everyone in the conversation. “No. I can’t help with the project, because I don’t know that coding language.” Then everyone knows not to ask me to help with that type of coding projects. That’s helpful!
Otherwise, giving a reason when saying “no” shifts the simple request into a drawn-out negotiation. Reasons often muddle what could have been a clear “no,” and attempts by the requester to negotiate around those reasons can show disrespect/devalue to the person who said “no.”
Peggy Lynn
Brilliant, Peggy. Don’t begin negotiating if your no means no. For all us people-pleasers your insights on not adding reasons unless it’s specifically helpful are so powerful. Cheers
The first and most important thing to remember is that “No” is a complete sentence.
The second thing to remember is that saying “Yes” and doing it poorly, late, or both is worse than saying “No” in the first place.
Guilty, Jennifer. There were times when I should have said no, but I didn’t and ended up disappointing people. I would love to call it kind-hearted but there’s nothing kind about disappointing people.