Stop Offering Encouragement – Do This Instead
Some people reject encouragement. You say something good. They reply with something bad. Every affirmation is met with, “Yeah, but.”
Sometimes you resist self-encouragement. You say to yourself, “You got this,” and your inner critic says, “No you don’t.”
Use curiosity to encourage people.
Curiosity as Encouragement
Discouragement:
Try this exercise: Ask a team member to rate their performance from 1-10. Suppose they aren’t doing as well as they hoped. They give themselves 3. Ask, “Why didn’t you choose a lower number?”
Don’t waste positive words on those who dismiss them. Empower people to encourage themselves.
Yes, their performance was disappointing, but they have something to build on.
Self-encouragement:
I’ve been jotting down the cruel things I say to myself. I wouldn’t say those things to someone I hated.
Perhaps you say something good to yourself and your inner critic contradicts it. The next time that happens, ask, “Why aren’t you worse?” Take out a pen and write down your answer.
You aren’t perfect, but you aren’t a complete loser.
After failure:
When something goes wrong, ask the team, “Why aren’t things worse?”
Highlight actions that worked. Learn from team members who thrived. You can’t energize people and beat them down at the same time.
Everyone needs encouragement:
S. Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-Fil-A, was fond of asking, “How do you know if someone needs encouragement?” His answer, “If that person is breathing.”
When people fall short, help them see underutilized strengths. When people feel discouraged, turn their attention to small successes. When people succeed, encourage them to keep succeeding.
What can leaders do to encourage themselves and others?
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud “How do you know people need encouragement? If they’re breading 😊😂”. Thanks
That 1-10 question is amazing. What a paradigm shift. Can’t wait to share that perspective with my team. TY Dan!
Best wishes, Josh. It took me awhile to get comfortable asking 1-10 questions. But, I’ve found it quite useful. It helps us get past yes or no and have a conversation.
That’s a great way to get people to rethink their position. By asking “why isn’t it worse” you get them to think about where they are and what they have that is positive.
Thanks, Royce. A change of approach often is all we need to find renewed energy. It’s too easy to circle the black hole.
This comment could not be more true from S. Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-Fil-A, – “How do you know if someone needs encouragement?” His answer, “If that person is breathing.”
Often it looks like people do not need encouragement because of their disposition, position, title, wealth, or beautiful external appearance, but the human existence is to doubt. I always try to error on the side of encouragement as we can find something good almost everywhere!
Great point, Debbie. “Err on the side of encouragement….” In cases of encouragement, it’s pretty hard to do too much.