Stop Outsourcing Your Emotions
Emotions energize action. They drive conversations, fuel decisions, and shape the future.
But emotional energy is hard to manage. It’s easier to blame than to reflect.
Leadership magnifies emotions. You can feel discouraged, inspired, and frustrated before lunch. No emotion moves faster or hits harder than anger.
Anger energizes immediate action. Used recklessly, anger burns opportunity.
Frustration means you care.
Be custodian of your emotions:
Reclaim your power by owning your emotions. Your anger belongs to you.
Stop pretending you’re powerless.
Stop shifting responsibility to others.
Don’t expect others to fix your emotions.
Stop saying:
- “You made me mad.”
- “I’m just tired and stressed.”
- “I can’t take it when…”
- “They pushed my buttons.”
- “I’m just being real.”
- “It’s just how I am.”
- “I can’t help it.”
Expecting others to soothe your emotions is an excuse. Learn to harness emotional energy.
Resolve your own anger:
#1. See yourself.
Anger reveals more about you than others. Anger shows what you don’t want. Turn attention toward things you want.
Reflect on what matters to you. Define what YOU will do to pursue it.
Anger is bullying when you use it to pressure others.
#2. Speak the truth.
Say what you see. Explain the impact on you and others.
Kind honesty reduces resentment.
#3. Set boundaries.
Fear hides behind anger. Courage sets boundaries. Define what’s acceptable. Clarify what’s not.
Boundaries reduce confusion, frustration, and resentment.
#4. Make provision.
People mess up. Expect it. Provide the resources they need to succeed. Tolerance is wisdom, not weakness.
#5. Change yourself.
Sometimes anger says it’s time to grow. Adjust expectations. Shift your approach. Learn something new.
Own your anger before it owns you.
TIP: Venting is the worst thing you can do with anger. (Bushman)
What’s the most useful expression of anger?
Why Maya Angelou Believed in Anger
The most useful expression of anger is that it leads to introspection.
—What’s the source of the anger?
If a person said or did something what was their motivation?
Is the cause of the anger within or outside my control?
How can I use this energy in a positive way?
Introspection is the rub. When I’m angry I other-reflect. Self-reflection isn’t on my mind! Having said that, I agree with you. It’s a powerful way for us to see ourselves more clearly, when we turn our attention toward ourselves.
Very interesting white paper on venting. Thank you for sharing Dan.
It’s a pleasure to be useful.
I’ve always felt that there is no place for anger in the workplace – or in my life in general. But, I’m realizing that the way I deal with my anger is to just suppress it. Dan, my takeaway from your article is that anger, along with every other emotion, can be energizing and prompt action when harnessed properly. For someone who can get stuck in inaction, I’m now asking myself; Am I bottling up the emotions I need to be passionate, push forward, and make necessary changes that take me from what I don’t want to what I do want? Thanks for the insight.
You’re comment inspires me, Matt. You said it so well. Bottled up emotions can become untapped energy. On reason we may be uncomfortable with anger is because we picture abusive people. I’m sure we agree there’s no place for yelling and screaming in the workplace, or other places.